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| As Long As You're Here...; Konosetsu of course, RnR please! :'3 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 19 2008, 10:13 AM (899 Views) | |
| En Yuunagi | Jun 19 2008, 10:13 AM Post #1 |
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Grade Schooler
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As Long As You’re Here… --- 1st. The Release It was a normal day on Mahora Gakuen. The day began when a certain red-haired girl got up and do her delivery routine. Followed by her roommate, heiress of Kansai Magic Association, woke up and made a breakfast for them. The time ran, and when the red-haired girl came back from her routine, she screamed when she found a perverted ermine sleeps on her underwear. Of course that scream was followed by some beating. Another scream was heard. It woke the third resident of this dorm, a boy. He looks like around 10 years old. Woken up by a scream, the boy furiously searched for his glasses. “A…Asuna-san! Stop! You could kill Chamo with the brute strength of yours!!” The boy went out from his bunk and stick on the red-haired girl’s arm, making sure that the ermine didn’t get another wild punch. But guess he can’t chose the right word, since the girl she called Asuna looked on him with a murderous gleam on her eyes. “Care to explain what do you mean by ‘brute strength of yours’, Negi?!!” Asuna turned around and smacked the boy right on his head. A giggle heard from the kitchen, and a cute girl with long chocolate hair came out. She brought an omelet on her hands and set it on the table. “Breakfast’s ready!” And so like always, a knock can be heard from the door. A big grin plastered on the heiress face as she went to open the door. The door opened with a slam and revealed another girl with ponytail. Her uniform was neat, and she looks like she was ready to go to school. “Morning, Seeecchaaaaan!!” The heiress hugged the black-haired girl, making her blushing tremendously. “Mo-morning, Ojousama…” she muttered weakly. And that make the chocolate-haired girl frown. Pout can be seen on her face. “Mou, Secchan! What should I do to make you stop calling me Ojousama? I don’t like that title!!” “…Sorry, Kono-chan…But for me not to called you Ojousama…It was improper…also…” she stuttered, and that makes the heiress smile, and hugged her again. Of course, that made Sakurazaki Setsuna blushed MORE. “Wha-! Kono-chan…Wha-what are you doing…! This-this…!” Using her thumb, Konoka caressed the Shinmeiryuu swordswoman’s lips. The action made Setsuna froze simultaneously. “Ssh, Secchan…Is that so hard for you to call me ‘Kono-chan’? You just call me Kono-chan twice just now. I’m so happy, Secchan. I didn’t hear that from you for awhile.” She kissed Setsuna on the cheek, and with that Setsuna’s head almost explode right on the spot. She will, if Asuna’s call from the room didn’t wake her right away. “Sorry to interrupting you two, lovebirds. But please don’t make out in front of my dorm…” A huge smirk hung on her face as she saw that Konoka was dragging her Secchan to their dorm, since it was a fact that Setsuna still dazed from the incident before. “Well, let’s eat our breakfast so we don’t get late for school.” Said the young teacher. --- The day was going like as always. When Negi entered his class homeroom, he was greeted with a rose bouquet from the blond, Yukihiro Ayaka. Then it would turn into a furious battle, the class rep versus the Baka-Red. And almost the resident of the class will cheered on them. Of course there’s still some who didn’t interested in that fight, like the two members from the Library Exploration Club, Miyazaki Nodoka and Ayase Yue. They’re seemed preferred not to get involved in that fight. There’s also Hasegawa Chisame, who just typing furiously on her laptop. Zazie Rainyday, who still busy with her magic trick. Tatsumiya Mana, the tanned girl who still polished her beloved Desert Eagle. The tiny Vampire, Evangeline. A. K. McDowell, and her robot partner, Karakuri Chachamaru, went out from the homeroom and headed to the roof. On her seat, the Shinmeiryuu swordswoman sometimes peeked to get a glimpse from her Ojousama. And when their eyes met, she flashed a smile and then turned back to the front. With all his might, Negi finally could stop the fight between Asuna and Iincho. But unfortunately, the bell rang. Almost all of her student ran out the class. On his desk, Negi sighed. He wasted his lesson period AGAIN. “C’mon, Negi-kun, don’t look so gloomy like that.” Cheered Konoka, Asuna was standing right beside her. “Well, I guess you’re right…Uhm, where’s Setsuna-san?” Now it was a strange thing not to see the swordswoman along together with Konoka. After the Kyoto trip, the swordswoman almost never leave her Ojousama’s side. Unless there was an urgent task came to her. “Ah, Secchan is going to meet Gramps on his office with Tatsumiya-san. Guess it’s about patrolling on campus’s ground or something related to that.” She answered him cheerfully. ‘That’s right…I do aware that the demon who was invading the school ground is increased by time…Maybe the Headmaster is come up with a solution, or maybe an answer why the demon’s attack is increased several times than before…’ He thought, not aware with the worried look from his roommates. Not until a smack struck him, again. “Hey bouzu! What are you thinking? You seems lost in your own thought!” said Asuna with a clenched fist. “Nah, it’s okay Asuna-san. It’s nothing important anyway.” He forced a smile, not wanting another worries came to his students. “Let’s go home.” He smile and went to the dorm along with his roommates. ‘I guess with Setsuna-san and Tatsumiya-san doing the patrol out there, it won’t be a problem. Not to mention there’s Evangeline-san and Chachamaru-san. They’ll warn me if something’s going out of control.’ --- It was pitch black. The moon was covered by dark clouds. A demon was running on the forest ground, looking for a prey. A light flashed from its right-side made him stop. Didn’t aware what it was, the demon just launch a brutal claw to the source of light. The demon’s claw strike a tree and make it collapsed simultaneously. A gashed could be heard behind the demon. When it turned back, it was faced to a girl. A girl, who wore a mere Mahora Gakuen uniform and held a Nodachi on her right hand. “Shinmeiryuu Ougi, Hyakuretsu Oukazan!” she roared. And with the flown of hundred petals of Sakura, the demon was cut into pieces. “It’s the eleventh demon I slay for tonight…There’s something wrong about them…Not only the power that was cannot be compared to the usual demon that penetrated the barrier, but also…their movements…it seemed to be arranged” she murmured. She felt a huge youki around herself and quickly turned herself around. In front of her, two winged demons were aiming their claw on her body. ‘Crap, I don’t believe I didn’t feel their youki when they’re sneaking around me! Must be a lack of training…No, they’re different from the other the demon that infiltrated the school barrier until now. I should train more…’ She raised her sword, Yuunagi, to intercept the attack. She sure know that was inevitable to avoiding the wound, but at least, she should protect her vital organs. The first demon’s claw didn’t even touch her vital organs, but it torn Setsuna’s left shoulder. The wound was deep and long, from her left shoulder then to her right arm. The wound, not a life-threatening one, but sure it was drawing a lot of blood. With a lot of blood streamed on her right hand, her grip on Yuunagi slipped. The second demon swung her claw and threw her. She landed on a tree’s branch with another deep wound on her stomach. ‘Crap…I’m ashamed…’ Setsuna was trying to stand, but her leg was giving up. Her limb was trembling and was out of power. The demons raised it claws. ‘Guess…now I’m finished…’ It was when she wanted to give up, she remembered about something. Something that was very precious and important to her. ‘No! I’m not going to dead like this easily! Not now…!’ And the surge of power was coming to her. The desire was to kill was overflowing on her body. As her eye’s pupil became a golden one, a bright flash was enveloped the area around the swordswoman. --- A bright light was enveloped a small area on the forest ground. That light alerting almost all the magician around the school, including Negi of course. When he saw that bright light from the forest, he furiously took his staff and flew off from the window toward the forest ground. He didn’t mind the yell that Asuna threw on him or a worried expression on Konoka’s face when he flew without saying anything. There’s only one thing on his mind right now. A surge of huge demonic energy he felt from the forest just now. “Acceleratio!!” he muttered a spell to fly faster. --- When the young teacher landed on the spot, there are some people he knows was already standing around. There’re the tiny Vampire, Evangeline, along with her robot partner, Chachamaru. There’s also the tanned Gunslinger girl, Tatsumiya Mana. Their expression was stern, and it sent a chill on his spine. He looked around, and found something he feared. There was some tree that was collapsed, and a remaining from three demons. Also, there was one of his students collapsed on the ground. Her pale skin and uniform was covered with blood. “Setsuna-san!!” Negi was going to rushed to her side, but was stopped by Evangeline’s and Mana’s stern look. Mana was standing beside the unconscious swordswoman. She crouched and called her few times until Setsuna opened her eyelids. “…Setsuna, are you okay?” slight concern was heard from Mana’s words. With a nod, she rose to her feet. The gunslinger want to help her stand but she seems didn’t need the help. “I’m okay, don’t worry. This blood isn’t mine.” She started to walk away. Mana stopped her. “You know that I don’t mean to these blood.” But Setsuna didn’t answer her, she just walk away. The swordswoman stop beside the young teacher and murmured. “Please don’t say anything about this to Konoka-Ojousama. I don’t want to make her worry about me.” And then she walked and disappeared on the forest trail. --- A shout can be heard from the campus and some of the magic teachers rushed to this spot. The tiny Vampire walked away with her robot partners. “Boya, make sure that you dispose the remaining of the demons, and Tatsumiya, you come with me to meet that old geezer.” Some of the magic teachers ask what happened before to the young boy, but she just answer it’s the demon that penetrated the barrier, and didn’t say anything else. “Don’t worry, the demon was killed.” He said. When he came back to the dorm, he was attacked by a lot of question from Asuna and Konoka, but he was answering with the same answer like before. He just hoped that something like that didn’t happen anymore. That demonic energy before sent a chill down to his spine. He didn’t aware that soon they’ll encounter with that huge demonic energy again. --- On her dorm Setsuna was trying to clean the blood on her uniform, but her attempt was useless. ‘I’ll just get a new uniform…’ she thought. She threw her bloody uniform and then walking towards the bathroom. She stopped when she get a glimpse of herself on the mirror. Her skin was covered in blood indeed, but her wound was vanished, not even a trace was found on her pale skin. She rub her left shoulder, it was smooth even though it was covered by blood. She smiled bitterly when she looks on her reflection on the mirror. ‘…It seems like my half-side will be awaken soon…’ To Be Continued… ******* oh well... I wanna to upload it on ff.net, but it says that I should waiting for 2 days... I guess I'll upload it here first ne... RnR pleasee... Call me a weirdo, but I get the idea from my dream...
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| Jessie | Jun 19 2008, 12:37 PM Post #2 |
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KonoSetsu Fan!
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I don't like to lie, so I'll be honest, which is why some people probably say I'm cruel XD Anyway, it was nice, I found so so SO many mistakes (spelling, grammer...), and of course I do not pretend to be better at that than you, ne? English isn't my native language as well, but I found my self twitching my face a few times while I reading it ^^" Eto... Well, as long as it's KonoSetsu I'll bare with it, I vowed to read any KonoSetsu fanfic out there, and I still intending to do so! <3 Oh by the way, I really love the plot, I think it has a great potential! And it's Ok to have a KonoSetsu dream! I always think of Kono-chan and Secchan before I go to sleep in hope I will have a dream about them! HAHA! XD KonoSetsu BANZAII! |
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| En Yuunagi | Jun 19 2008, 10:18 PM Post #3 |
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Grade Schooler
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@jessie-san oh well, if it's about grammar and spelling...I know I'm bad wit that I'll do better next time (hope so...) eto...the grammar... should I just use the simple present? ah well, I'll change em asap then... thx for the review ne...
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| Dauthi | Jun 20 2008, 02:53 AM Post #4 |
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GUITAR HEROOOOO.
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Ask for a beta reader. They're free. Also, invest in Strunk and White's The Elements of Style. I am guilty of not reading it either, but I swear I'll start referring to it from now on. I don't think English is your first language? Is it? If so, I apologize profusely for ignorant assumptions.
We use 'on' when we're describing a physical object. "Plica-chan is sitting on a box." "She jumped on the box." Usually 'at' is used when referring to places. Thus, "It was a normal day at Mahora Gakuen." Thank you for telling us it's a normal day. Would the reader not have assumed this herself? Does it offer any pertinent information to the plot?
If you are starting your sentences with the past tense (or imperfect, if you've learned the concept) keep it in the past tense. That is the cardinal rule. Go through your entire thing and fix that, if nothing else. This sentence should either be: "The day began when a certain red-haired girl got up and did her delivery routine." or "The day began when a certain red-haired girl got up to do her delivery routine." #1 indicates she got up and her delivery routine is already finished. it is not a central event, we are just stating it to establish background and moving on. #2 indicates that she got up and is about to do her delivery routine. other events may follow.
Who is (the) heiress of (the) Kansai Magic Association again? Too vague. Do you mean that after Asuna got up, heiress of the KMA woke up and made breakfast? If so, your sentence isn't correct.
...she found a perverted ermine sleeping on her underwear.
'A' is non-specific. 'The' is specific. Since the 10 year old boy was woken up by a specific scream, described earlier already, in this instance it would be "Woken up by the scream."
I am clueless as to what "...stick on the red-haired girl's arm" means. Do you mean 'stick' as in a noun, as in the wand Negi carries around with him? (You haven't named this kid or the heiress of the KMA yet, by the way) Simple error: "the girl he called," as Negi is a 10-year old boy. You seem to have some trouble with distinguishing between imperfect and past tense, and also which verbs are allowed to keep it in the past.
Remember: keep it in the past. The actual story itself seems intact. It has an established plot with a predictable direction. The dialogue between the characters is choppy due to the poor grammar, but it is not out of character. I actually didn't spot any spelling errors as I read through. Nice job on that. You write a mean (as in good) action scene. Fix your grammar first (try doing it yourself, and then ask someone else to proofread it for you) and foremost. Once you're confident of that work on commanding a larger presence with your words, and you're on your way to an excellent story. |
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| Jessie | Jun 20 2008, 06:27 AM Post #5 |
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KonoSetsu Fan!
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^ lol, that sure felt like an English lesson XD it was probably the only lesson I truly loved at school <3 And I think there were a few words that turned into something else because of spelling mistakes... but it could also be that I just didn't understand the sentence so I changed a few words to make them fit XD KonoSetsu BANZAII! |
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| En Yuunagi | Jun 20 2008, 08:33 AM Post #6 |
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Grade Schooler
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@dauthi-san yep, English's not my first language and it is a lesson I hate... =( thx for your...explanation... I'll work harder next time... |
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