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The Comedy Club- The Official Joke Topic.; C'mon in and grab a drink.
Topic Started: Dec 10 2005, 03:09 PM (157 Views)
Tyrone Buggums
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Yarr. 'Tis the official joke topic. Post all your jokes here. And remember try to keep racial jokes and rude jokes about fellow members to a mininmum we aren't Def Jam Comedy 'ya know.

I'll kick things off......


Phone Call Gone Wrong. WARNING: Don't look at the ads.
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LuteFanBoyNick
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>_>

My eyes burn at the ads next to it....
:D
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Tyrone Buggums
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Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
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Ursper
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FFFF

Canadian Joke?
*summons Canadian army*


*samll boy appears*


Damn...
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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Tyrone Buggums
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Top ten things men SHOULDN'T say out loud in
Victoria's Secret:

#10.) 45 bucks?? You just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
#9.) No thanks -just sniffing.
#8.) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7.) Mom will love this.
#6.) Oh the size doesn't matter-She's inflatable.
#5.) No need to wrap it up-I'll eat it here.
#4.) Will you model this for me?
#3.) The Miracle What?? This is better than world
peace!!
#2.) Does this come in children's sizes?

And the number one thing that men should never
ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1.) Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into
that.
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Ursper
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FFFF

O.O
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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Kinkajou
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I make iron women out of iron maidens

Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work
drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you
keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human
Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.

and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!"
"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice."

Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
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Ursper
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FFFF

O.O
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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LuteFanBoyNick
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>_>

Heheh...
:D
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Tyrone Buggums
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Shade
Dec 10 2005, 10:04 AM
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work
drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you
keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human
Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.

and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!"

XD
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Ursper
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FFFF

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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Kinkajou
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I make iron women out of iron maidens

XD
"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice."

Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
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LuteFanBoyNick
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>_>

ROLF XD LOL LMAO
:D
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Ursper
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FFFF

Google=yourfriend.
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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Vicas
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Ok, hop aboard then. Adventure awaits.

XD
Quote:
 
[00:09:11] Magus of the Purge: You and Kim's anniversary is the original Great Purge?
[00:09:15] Captain Vicas: Yep
[00:09:28] Magus of the Purge: No wonder your relationshup has lasted this long.
[00:09:32] Captain Vicas: Of course
[00:09:36] Magus of the Purge: it was blessed by Gheb himself
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Tyrone Buggums
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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Ursper
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FFFF

I heard that beofre
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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Vicas
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Ok, hop aboard then. Adventure awaits.

Reporting

When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual does it, it's called "stalking."

Comedy Central's JotD...
Quote:
 
[00:09:11] Magus of the Purge: You and Kim's anniversary is the original Great Purge?
[00:09:15] Captain Vicas: Yep
[00:09:28] Magus of the Purge: No wonder your relationshup has lasted this long.
[00:09:32] Captain Vicas: Of course
[00:09:36] Magus of the Purge: it was blessed by Gheb himself
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Tyrone Buggums
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Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

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Ursper
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FFFF

Once there was a boy, and he was normal boy, kinda short,, think, brown hair, and green eyes. his shoes were size 7, and he wore T shirts and Jeans every day.

So, one day, he went to the bus stop, and there were these girls talking. the girls were the same agfwe as him, and onw was dreesed like a school girl, the other like some kind of Soccere star. They were talking about the box of fish. when the green, long, and tall double decker bus finaly arives, he gets on it. He as a realy old bus driver, female, but very masculine, with a wart on her nose.

He asks her, "I saw the girls on the bus stop and was was a soccer player the other a school gilr and they were talking about a box of fish. What's the box of fish?"

The Bus driver gets angry. "YOU SHOULD SPEAK ABOUT THAT! NOW GET OFF MY BUS!" She pushes hm off the bus and he hits the ground. he runs to school and get there 15 minutes late.,


Woulkd you like to here the rest?
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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Tyrone Buggums
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YEA!
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Vicas
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Ok, hop aboard then. Adventure awaits.

Redneck jokes!

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"



You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
Quote:
 
[00:09:11] Magus of the Purge: You and Kim's anniversary is the original Great Purge?
[00:09:15] Captain Vicas: Yep
[00:09:28] Magus of the Purge: No wonder your relationshup has lasted this long.
[00:09:32] Captain Vicas: Of course
[00:09:36] Magus of the Purge: it was blessed by Gheb himself
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Vicas
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Ok, hop aboard then. Adventure awaits.

Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):


[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____

Do you have a gun rack?


[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:


[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:


[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
Quote:
 
[00:09:11] Magus of the Purge: You and Kim's anniversary is the original Great Purge?
[00:09:15] Captain Vicas: Yep
[00:09:28] Magus of the Purge: No wonder your relationshup has lasted this long.
[00:09:32] Captain Vicas: Of course
[00:09:36] Magus of the Purge: it was blessed by Gheb himself
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Tyrone Buggums
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XD @ the first Vicas.

Too pass time waiting on the rest of Urspers'......

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

PWN'T
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LuteFanBoyNick
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>_>

Bugmeat
Dec 10 2005, 11:49 AM
XD @ the first Vicas.

Too pass time waiting on the rest of Urspers'......

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

PWN'T

XD!
:D
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Ursper
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FFFF

Ursper
Dec 10 2005, 02:43 PM
Once there was a boy, and he was normal boy, kinda short,, think, brown hair, and green eyes. his shoes were size 7, and he wore T shirts and Jeans every day.

So, one day, he went to the bus stop, and there were these girls talking. the girls were the same agfwe as him, and onw was dreesed like a school girl, the other like some kind of Soccere star. They were talking about the box of fish. when the green, long, and tall double decker bus finaly arives, he gets on it. He as a realy old bus driver, female, but very masculine, with a wart on her nose.

He asks her, "I saw the girls on the bus stop and was was a soccer player the other a school gilr and they were talking about a box of fish. What's the box of fish?"

The Bus driver gets angry. "YOU SHOULD SPEAK ABOUT THAT! NOW GET OFF MY BUS!" She pushes hm off the bus and he hits the ground. he runs to school and get there 15 minutes late.,


Woulkd you like to here the rest?

So, when He got In to scholl, his teacher, who was a 9 foot toall, 500 pound man wearing yellow overalls and a Cobra, yelled "why are you late!!?!"

So he said....


"I was at the bus stop and there were these girls talking. the girls were the same age as me, and onw was dreesed like a school girl, the other like some kind of Soccere star. They were talking about the box of fish. when the green, long, and tall double decker bus finaly arived, I gots on it. SHe as a realy old bus driver, female, but very masculine, with a wart on her nose.

I asked her, "I saw these girls on the bus stop and was was a soccer player the other a school gilr and they were talking about a box of fish. What's the box of fish?"

The Bus driver got angry. "YOU SHOULDN'T SPEAK ABOUT THAT! NOW GET OFF MY BUS!" She pushed me off the bus and I hit the ground. I ran to school and got there 15 minutes late. ANd All I real want to Knoww is what the box o fish is."


Te teacher got even angrier. 'YOU SHOULDN'T BE SPEAKING ABOUT THAT, yOUN MAN! nO GET OUT OF MY CLASS ROOM AND GO TO THE PRINCIPAL!"

He went tdow to the principla's offivce.


More later.
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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LuteFanBoyNick
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>_>

What do you mean by A Box of Fish? I have a general idea.
:D
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Ursper
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FFFF

You'll find out at the end.


And you are most likely Wrong as hell. PM me.
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TOUCH LITTLE BOYS. </3
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