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Music Jokes
Topic Started: Jun 23 2006, 06:12 AM (73 Views)
Shire Guardian
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I found a bunch of music jokes, some of which I actually found to be funny.

EDIT: Lots of double posting ahead, since one post is massive. I'll break it up into sections.

Drummer Jokes:

Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves during the parade.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out!

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.

What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A drum machine can keep a steady beat and won't steal your girlfriend!

Q: Why are drummers always losing their watches?
A: Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.

Q: What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you call a drummer?
A: You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.

Q: How do you confuse a drummer?
A: Give him a piece of sheet music.

Q: What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
A: Mildly retarded.

What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.

Q:How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.

Q. Did you ever hear about the drummer who finished high school?
No.

A. Me neither!

how can you get a drummer off your porch?
pay for the pizza!

What is the difference between a drun line playing together and shoes in a dryer?
Nothing

If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

What do you call a drummer with more than one brain cell?
Pregnant.

"Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer."
His mother scoffs and replies...

"Well, you can't do both."
Actively Battling:
Pengael lvl 20/17 Sniper
Angel lvl 20/10 Mage Knight
Noah lvl 16 Monk
Azul lvl 10 Shaman
Liere lvl 20/6 Crusader
Ciel lvl 1 Corsair

Retired:
Hithlum lvl 20/20 Falcoknight
Cyril lvl 20/20 Sage
Vince lvl 20/20 Paladin
Chiback lvl 20/20 Hero

I accept PM challenges!

^_^
BAH!
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Shire Guardian
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Flute/Piccolo Jokes:

How do concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
They ask their boyfriend to do it for them.

How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.

How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one

What is the range of a piccolo?
Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
--Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to whine about how much better they would have done it.

What do you call a good flute section?
Impossible
Actively Battling:
Pengael lvl 20/17 Sniper
Angel lvl 20/10 Mage Knight
Noah lvl 16 Monk
Azul lvl 10 Shaman
Liere lvl 20/6 Crusader
Ciel lvl 1 Corsair

Retired:
Hithlum lvl 20/20 Falcoknight
Cyril lvl 20/20 Sage
Vince lvl 20/20 Paladin
Chiback lvl 20/20 Hero

I accept PM challenges!

^_^
BAH!
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Shire Guardian
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Clarinet Jokes:

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.

How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.

A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections:

Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb

Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb

He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know hwow many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What do call a line setup by clarinets?
A circle
Actively Battling:
Pengael lvl 20/17 Sniper
Angel lvl 20/10 Mage Knight
Noah lvl 16 Monk
Azul lvl 10 Shaman
Liere lvl 20/6 Crusader
Ciel lvl 1 Corsair

Retired:
Hithlum lvl 20/20 Falcoknight
Cyril lvl 20/20 Sage
Vince lvl 20/20 Paladin
Chiback lvl 20/20 Hero

I accept PM challenges!

^_^
BAH!
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Shire Guardian
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Saxophone Jokes:

Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs

If lost in the woods, who di you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
1. Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. You can tune a lawnmower.
3. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
4. The grip

What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
The theory doesn't have as many leaks.

What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato.
2. The exhaust

What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

How do you define a perfect pitch?
Throwing an alto sax in a toilet from 20 feet with out hitting the rim

What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. Large hammers.

Which is the ideal place to practise on a tenor-saxophone?
A: In Saddam Husseins bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone-player never, but never practises. The risk of learning to play is too great.

What do you call a thousand saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: A good start!

Actively Battling:
Pengael lvl 20/17 Sniper
Angel lvl 20/10 Mage Knight
Noah lvl 16 Monk
Azul lvl 10 Shaman
Liere lvl 20/6 Crusader
Ciel lvl 1 Corsair

Retired:
Hithlum lvl 20/20 Falcoknight
Cyril lvl 20/20 Sage
Vince lvl 20/20 Paladin
Chiback lvl 20/20 Hero

I accept PM challenges!

^_^
BAH!
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Shire Guardian
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Trombone and Trumpet Jokes:

Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road?
1. The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.
2. There are skid marks in front of the snake.

What do you call a guy who knows how to play a trombone and doesn't?
A gentleman.

How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
An optimist.

How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
Take your foot off their head.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
5: 1 to change it, and 4 to make ludicrous sexual comments.

What do you call a trombone player in the street?
A beggar.

What does the trombonist say when he gets to his gig?
"You want fries with that?"

What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in it, running off the side of a cliff?
You could have fit more trombones in it.

A trombone player walks past a bar.
Could have fooled me!

What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How do trumpet players traditionally greet eachother?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

What do trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.

How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
None they can't reach that high.

What's the differance between a trumpet player and God?
God knows he's not a trumpet player.

Actively Battling:
Pengael lvl 20/17 Sniper
Angel lvl 20/10 Mage Knight
Noah lvl 16 Monk
Azul lvl 10 Shaman
Liere lvl 20/6 Crusader
Ciel lvl 1 Corsair

Retired:
Hithlum lvl 20/20 Falcoknight
Cyril lvl 20/20 Sage
Vince lvl 20/20 Paladin
Chiback lvl 20/20 Hero

I accept PM challenges!

^_^
BAH!
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Eusine
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BRING ME MOAR SUICUNE~

*cacks self at these jokes*

What? I'm easily amused.
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Saito Lv 1 Mega Man
Nae Lv 1 Mystic
Xie Lv 1 Bishie

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FE 9 Accomplishments
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Beating Ch 15 without killing anyone, losing any characters and recruiting Stefan :fwee:
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Shire Guardian
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I found a bunch more, for string players and singers if anyone wants 'em.
Actively Battling:
Pengael lvl 20/17 Sniper
Angel lvl 20/10 Mage Knight
Noah lvl 16 Monk
Azul lvl 10 Shaman
Liere lvl 20/6 Crusader
Ciel lvl 1 Corsair

Retired:
Hithlum lvl 20/20 Falcoknight
Cyril lvl 20/20 Sage
Vince lvl 20/20 Paladin
Chiback lvl 20/20 Hero

I accept PM challenges!

^_^
BAH!
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SabreCut
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Don't worry guys, I got a good price for selling you out

Shire Guardian
Jun 23 2006, 09:25 AM

What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in it, running off the side of a cliff?
You could have fit more trombones in it.

Ah, reminds me of the ned jokes of yore:

Two neds in a Vauxhall Nova drive off a cliff. Why is it shame?
The Nova can hold five

Two neds playing chicken fall off a cliff, who wins?
Society.
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Lady Drakonis
ha ha ha

It's funny because I get most of them. It's always fun to have a teacher that insults her own instruments.

I wanna see the string ones. Especially cello ones, so I can use them on Hoshi next time I see her.
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Gigs
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HELLO EVERYBODY

Wow, most of these are actually pretty good....and I recall hearing a couple, for example:

Quote:
 
How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.


Alternate answer: Only one, but they'll brag about it for 3 weeks.
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Lady Drakonis
ha ha ha

My schools music page used to have string instrument jokes, but the pages crapped themselves. That site really needs to be updated.
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Kochipahk
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The heart, it beats for blood.

Hey, I resent those drummer jokes! I know how to read sheet music, and I don't play an accelerando in 4/4 at 120 bpm.
The heart, it beats for blood.
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Kochipahk
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The heart, it beats for blood.

Lady Drakonis
Jun 23 2006, 08:19 AM
It's funny because I get most of them. It's always fun to have a teacher that insults her own instruments.

I wanna see the string ones. Especially cello ones, so I can use them on Hoshi next time I see her.

I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be funny if you didn't understand the jokes.

Though, this one was probably the funniest flute joke:

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.

Only 'cause it's true.
The heart, it beats for blood.
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Shire Guardian
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Double Bass:

Did you hear about the double bass player who was so out of tune his section noticed?


How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.


How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.


How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)


A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Actively Battling:
Pengael lvl 20/17 Sniper
Angel lvl 20/10 Mage Knight
Noah lvl 16 Monk
Azul lvl 10 Shaman
Liere lvl 20/6 Crusader
Ciel lvl 1 Corsair

Retired:
Hithlum lvl 20/20 Falcoknight
Cyril lvl 20/20 Sage
Vince lvl 20/20 Paladin
Chiback lvl 20/20 Hero

I accept PM challenges!

^_^
BAH!
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Kochipahk
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The heart, it beats for blood.

The first one slew me.
The heart, it beats for blood.
http://www.myspace.com/colonelkremlin925
http://www.facebook.com/rileyne
http://www.twitter.com/kochipahk
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Shire Guardian
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*walks in*

*dead Kochi on the ground*

...yep.

I'll go look for more.
Actively Battling:
Pengael lvl 20/17 Sniper
Angel lvl 20/10 Mage Knight
Noah lvl 16 Monk
Azul lvl 10 Shaman
Liere lvl 20/6 Crusader
Ciel lvl 1 Corsair

Retired:
Hithlum lvl 20/20 Falcoknight
Cyril lvl 20/20 Sage
Vince lvl 20/20 Paladin
Chiback lvl 20/20 Hero

I accept PM challenges!

^_^
BAH!
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Zap
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yeah

Those trombone jokes win at everything.
"I'm sorry, I had to skip English to attend a Sammich class" -Shade

Zapper (Sage | Myrm)
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NOT THAT ANYONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THESE ANYMORE :D
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