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| Beastly | |
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| Topic Started: Jun 5 2008, 08:11 PM (199 Views) | |
| Ragnarok III | Jun 5 2008, 08:11 PM Post #1 |
AKA King Crimson
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Lord Beastly And the Horror of Hard Rock By Cai Brown Act 1: Servant: Ah, back again? I remember you from Christmas! You won’t believe what I found in my stocking! Two tangerines and a candy cane! It’s all I’ve ever dreamed of- literally! Oh, well. There’s more of you this time, though, aren’t there! Oh, it’s all so exciting! Mommies, daddies, kids. Oh, I like them! I’m afraid my master’s out, he- Beastly: Let’s rock! Beastly enters with a guitar, which he begins to “play”, whilst singing The Animals. Servant: Oh, good god, no. Beastly: So, servant, what do you think? Servant: Oh, good god, no. Beastly: Yes, I am a guitar god, aren’t I? Powerful fingers, energetic fretwork, and they don’t call me Lord Beastly for nothing! Want a look at my axe? Servant: Please sir, not again! I still remember that night in Austria! Beastly: Oh, all right, what about my Gibson? Servant: No! Beastly: My Strat? Servant: No! My Lord, you are so foul! Beastly: My guitar, you fool! Servant: Oh, I see! (Whisper to audience) I always thought he had a ukelele! Beastly: It’s great, isn’t it? Hendrix could’ve played this if he wasn’t six feet under. Pause. Servant looks puzzled. Servant: Under what, sir? Beastly: Ground! Servant: I didn’t know he was a miner! Beastly: No, I mean he’s brown bread. Servant: (Looking shocked) Sir, that’s so racist! What would Martin Luther King think? (He does his MLK impression in a deeper voice) I have a dream that one day, in the burning red hills of- Beastly: Oh, shut up, cretin, you know I vote Conservative! Hendrix has passed on! Servant: Where to? Beastly: Upstairs! Servant: Really, I’ve not seen him! That said, what Jimi Hendrix is doing in your bedroom is no concern of mine! Beastly: He’s having a long sleep. Servant: (Like Frank Spencer) Ooo, Jimi, you are lazy! Beastly: A very long sleep! Servant: (Louder) Ooo, Jimi, you are lazy-er! Beastly: A very, very long sleep! Servant: (Louder) Ooo, Jimi, you are lazy-er-er! Beastly: Silence, imbecile! He’s dead, dead, dead! He is resting in peace, resting! This Hendrix is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life! If he hadn’t arranged them into hippy chains he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket; he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!! He is having a great gig in the sky! He is an ex-Hendrix! Pause. Servant: Oh. Beastly: Right, I’m off to wash my instrument! I can’t wait to lather up its fret board. Who knows where e-bay seller 100’s hands have been. Servant: After all, he does have access to the Internet! Beastly exits. Servant: Wait; did he just say he was going to wash an electric guitar? I hope he unplugged- Bang! Servant: Oh, dear. Act 2: Beastly is pushed in by the Servant, sitting in his lounge chair. Beastly: Oh, what a fool I’ve been! I can’t play a guitar! Servant: Not even Smoke on the-? Beastly: Especially not Smoke on the Water… Servant: You could always play bass, my Lord. Beastly: Bass? Bass? What kind of a life is that? There must be a way… Servant: How about X-Factor? Beastly: No, the problem is I haven’t got any talent. The last thing I want is to lose my dignity and self-respect as well! Servant: Well, my Lord, we could always use the hat of evil again! Beastly: Really? Go on then. Servant pulls out hat. Servant: Let’s see we could… Tell a five-year old how to make babies! Beastly: Relieve oneself in a public phone box! Servant: Leave Shaun the Sheep out on a really hot day! Beastly: Sensuously devour a cream cake! Servant: Burn down the Houses of Parli- Oh, sorry, this goes in the Good Deeds hat. Beastly: We could- Oh, I give in! This can’t help me at guitar! Most people want to learn all the techniques and positions, but I just want to strap on, plug in and make a loud noise! Servant: Well sir, you aren’t the only one. I might just have an idea! Act 3: The two walk across stage, laden with backpacks. Beastly: So let me get this straight? We go in through the back exit, record ourselves playing around, make a video and post it on the Internet? Servant: Yes, sir! Beastly: And we do it with a few famous horns behind us? Servant: Yes, sir. Beastly: And you’re sure this will get us on top? Servant: As long as we have some good vocalisations! Beastly: Ah, look, here he is now. Mark Ronson? Ronson enters. They all shake hands. First Ronson and Beastly, then Servant and Ronson, then Servant and Beastly. Beastly realises and lets go in disgust. Ronson: Nice to meet you. I hope you’ll enjoy making a music video with my brass band and having me as your manager. Beastly: Of course! What else could we have meant? Ronson: Well, this is my studio just down the road, so we’ll use the back entrance. Want to see my cornet? Servant: (With creepy grin) Oh yes. Beastly: What a lovely instrument! Do you shine up the bell everyday? Ronson: Yep, I’ll show you if you like. I get the cloth like this and then- He gets out a cloth and starts rubbing the cornet up and down. Beastly and Servant look repulsed. He gets more and more excited throughout. Ronson: Then all you have to do is make a good job of blowing it off. Want to come in? Servant: Oh, yes! All go offstage, Ronson rubbing his cornet as he goes. Act 4: Ronson: Now, Beastly, what do you think the most important thing about being a rock star is? Beastly: Playing an instrument? Ronson: I said rock, not prog rock! The most important thing is how to handle the chicks. You reckon you can do that? Beastly: Well, I did see this program about poultry with Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall… Ronson: No, I mean “the birds”! Beastly: Yes, I mean “the birds”, too. Ronson: Women! Don’t worry, I made the mistake myself, see I… It doesn’t matter. Well, Beastly, I’m going to leave you with one of my hottest groupies. See you later! Ronson exits. Beastly: Wait, I, I don’t… Servant enters, dressed in drag, it is obviously he, and he even tells the audience to shush. Servant: Hello, big boy. Beastly: Hello… Fat girl… Servant: Oi, you’re no oil painting yourself, love! Beastly: How dare you say that! I’m just big boned… in everyway! Servant: Promises, promises! Wanna ask me anything? Beastly: Um, well, do you… Like me? Servant: Oh, yes! Beastly: In... That way? Servant: Oh, yes! Beastly: More than anyone else? Servant: Well, yeah, but not as much as… you know… Beastly: What? Who? Servant: You know… Him. Phil Collins… Beastly: What, you… What? Servant: Oh, he can give me “Invisible Touch” any time he wants! He can “Follow Me”… Mmm, to the bedroom! I’ll make sure he can feel it “Coming in the Air Tonight”! Oh Lord, Oh Lord, Oh, Phil! I’ll even dress up as the great ape of your choice! I love you, Phil Collins! Servant dives off the stage. Ronson enters. Ronson: Going well? Act 5: All sit around Ronson’s desk. Ronson: Now, I’ve done you a favour, it’s time for you to do me one. Servant: Oh, I’ll do anything. Ronson: Good, cause this won’t be easy. See, some of my acts aren’t as, how can a put this, docile as you? Not as, I don’t know, drug-free. More, beehive shaped? Know whom I mean? Servant: PHIL COLLINS! Ronson: Yeah, I don’t manage anyone. I want you to capture Amy Winehouse. Beastly: But, that’s, that’s… All they ever found was some tracks and the occasional dung sample. Ronson: That’s all THEY ever found. I have photographic evidence right here. He hands over a photo. Beastly: My god! It’s hideous. Ronson: We got close before. Friend and me were camping in the woods when we heard it howling. We thought it was in pain, but it was just trying to sing. We approached it, but it was too fierce. My friend asked it if it wanted to go to rehab. Beastly: What did it say? No, no, no? Ronson: Yeah, if that means “It ripped out his tongue, snorted it up it’s nose and went “Hmm, that’s good Granola”” in your language. You got 2 days, lads. The hunt… is… on. Act 6: Beastly and Servant are crouching down, looking through binoculars. Both whisper when speaking. Servant eats biscuits. Servant: Sir. Want a Hobnob? Beastly: Go on then. A bush rattles and animals panic. Servant jumps and the biscuits go everywhere. Beastly: I couldn’t see. Damn! How about you? Servant: No. Argh…. Beastly: What do you mean, “No, argh”? Servant: I can’t see at all, sir. Beastly: Why? Servant: It’s the biscuits, sir; I was munching on McVities Nob and squeezed the bag too hard in the excitement! Beastly: Those cream filled Nobs are lethal. The crumbs get everywhere. Winehouse: Whooooooooooooooooooooorl!!!!!!! Beastly: Quiet! Did you hear that? Servant: Sorry, sir, I was trying to get my Nob out! Beastly: Oh haha! You can’t keep milking the nobs you know! Argh! I mean you can’t keep making jokes about something that small! Damn! I mean we can’t just keep gagging on nobs, you know! Oh, for god sake! We have to have some plot development, you know! Servant: There’s a plot? Beastly: Probably. Winehouse: Whooooooooooooooooooooorl! Beastly: There it is! Now get your gun packed and prepare to shoot your load! Damn, I hate innuendos! Look, here it comes! Winehouse appears like some sort of banshee, shrieking at the audience. Beastly: Three, two, one, fire tranquillisers! Winehouse screams, looks drunkenly at the darts before taking them out of her arm and drinking them. Servant: I don’t get it, that was enough to knock out a horse! Beastly: But not a cow! Aha- I have it! The beehive must have absorbed the dose! If we can just get rid of it… Quick, we can fight it with it’s own weapons! Put on the MP3, Servant. “Valerie” plays full blast and Winehouse eventually falls to the floor, the beehive failing. Servant: My lord, you did it! Beastly: Even Winehouse can’t take that rubbish without losing her hair to stress. By the way, who was the producer of that god-awful track? Servant: Apparently it’s by… Oh no…. Beastly: Please god, not Ronson! Oh, fate deals us blow after blow! Servant: Now whose spouting poorly conceived innuendo! Beastly: Right! I’m going to find Ronson and arrest him for- Franklin storms on. Franklin: Stop! Do you have any idea about the amount of plot holes in this pap? I’m not being funny, but after 5 years of Trentham High English, is this the best you can do, cause I don’t think it is and believe me you don’t want me on your back. I’m not being funny, but really, wouldn’t Beastly know Ronson produced it seen as he asked them to find Winehouse in the first place? And even my Year 7’s know not to milk nob that many times! Go on, get off, utter rubbish. King: Oh no they don’t! They’ve just lowered the ideals of Trentham High in front of everyone here today! Vulgar language, indeed! I hope you can explain this pretty well, lads! Beastly: Well sir, we’d like to say… We got you this best of Prog Rock LP. Servant: And a Dark Side of the Moon poster. King: Oh great! Don’t matter about the language. For stuff like this I’d just let you say fu- END MUSIC |
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| Thyunda | Jun 5 2008, 08:22 PM Post #2 |
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Ooh, ooh! Can I be Ronson?! |
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| Ragnarok III | Jun 5 2008, 08:26 PM Post #3 |
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AKA King Crimson
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You or Woolley. Do you like it? |
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| Thyunda | Jun 5 2008, 08:26 PM Post #4 |
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I love it. Brilliant! |
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| Ragnarok III | Jun 5 2008, 08:27 PM Post #5 |
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AKA King Crimson
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Better than before? |
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| Thyunda | Jun 5 2008, 08:29 PM Post #6 |
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Yeah. I think I'd make a good Ronson.... What kind of accent does he have? (By the way, I might not come in tomorrow. Will we be starting this?) |
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| Ragnarok III | Jun 5 2008, 08:32 PM Post #7 |
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AKA King Crimson
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Yes, we will. If we delay we won't have time and it just took me three hours to do this and get Photobucket back, so I want to see it done... I think american, kinda like Rattrap... Use Wiki. Gotta go now, anyway. If you can't ge in, I'll save Ronson. If you are, that's better, but it's up to you. See ya. Syd. |
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| Loz | Jun 5 2008, 08:38 PM Post #8 |
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I Like it, especially the Phill Collins jokes. Personally think Gnome would make a better Franko... |
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| Ragnarok III | Jun 6 2008, 06:35 AM Post #9 |
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AKA King Crimson
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 "I'm not being funny, but are you trying to say that I look like McGinley?" |
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| Loz | Jun 6 2008, 11:36 AM Post #10 |
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Hey, I don't have to worry about her reading that- she wouldn't be able to get close enough to a computer to see it. |
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| Woolly | Jun 7 2008, 02:53 PM Post #11 |
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if franklin willing to take part? if so then theres five of us(if robin does it)[ooh-err], and only four parts i know this all sounds very wrong, but i think its fitting, and you know what i mean. |
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| Thyunda | Jun 7 2008, 05:03 PM Post #12 |
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Yeah....but Robin refuses to come back. So we have four parts, for four of us. |
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| Ragnarok III | Jun 8 2008, 07:47 AM Post #13 |
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AKA King Crimson
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Con, thankyou so much. I wondered when someone would ask this and you pretty much summed up why it is as it is. If there had been five parts it would have crashed easily due to no-one coming in. With four parts the worst that can happen is, well, Robin is fired, which, assuming he continues his "I don't want to do anything but I won't say it" approach is probably best. I never realised the amount of roles whilst writing it, but I can honestly say the person who will suffer most is me. I should have wrote six parts (one for Hel) and I really wanted a larger one for Loz (ooer). I am sorry, but if I start including things for the sake of it, not because they are fun or entertaining, the whole show will suffer, and to be fair, even though Robin made a good servant, I can neither force him to do it nor put up with his mind-wanking attitude. I am very sorry if anyone is upset, and any suggestions for extra parts and lines will be added if we all agree. Apologies, Syd. |
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| Ragnarok III | Jun 8 2008, 07:56 AM Post #14 |
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AKA King Crimson
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Oh, and any teachers will play themselves. Franko should do it, I doubt she won't. If not, we just use a teacher that will. |
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| Woolly | Jun 8 2008, 02:12 PM Post #15 |
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thats fine less lines means less working
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