New LB: Lord Beastly Rides Again

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New LB: Lord Beastly Rides Again
Topic Started: Apr 15 2009, 05:06 PM (19 Views)
King Crimson	Apr 15 2009, 05:06 PM Post #1
Advanced Member Posts: 317 Group: Admin Member #10 Joined: February 27, 2009	Lord Beastly Rides Again SCENE 1: Empty room. A door opens and slams. Beastly: Come on, Servant, hurry up, Aunt Ethel will be here in three minutes! Servant: (Off-stage) I’m coming, sir, but I could do with some help lifting it up! I’m having to put all of my energy into heaving it out of the back! Beastly: Stop whinging, cretin! Make sure you grasp the hand holds tightly and pull! Servant: I’m trying, master, but the things are so heavy! That girl just kept packing stuff into them! I asked her to stop but now they’re almost bursting! Here we go! Nggggh! Crash and splat. Beastly: Now look what you’ve done, the yoghurts all over the carpet! Honestly, why do you always drop your load before we can even get it in?! Servant: I’m sorry, sir! My hand was beginning to ache from the exhaustion and something had to give. Beastly: Well, get what’s left into the kitchen! Really, servant, shopping with you is like something out of Full Metal Jacket! Have you got the bananas? Servant: No, sir, it’s just the way I’m walking, that’s all! Beastly: Oh, shut up, you know I meant…. Oh what’s the use? Have you got the German sausage? Servant: It’s these new trousers, sir, they just ruck up! Beastly: Oh, I’ll bet they do… I trust at least you have the nuts? Servant: Yes, sir, I’ve got two packets in this bag over here! Beastly: Oh, good, Aunt Ethel always liked a Brazilian! Pass me some items and I’ll try and stuff them in this cupboard. Servant: You know, my lord, I’ve never met anyone from your family before. You have told them about me, haven’t you? Beastly: (Not terribly convincingly) Yes, why wouldn’t I? Now just start washing up those carrots, they’re covered in mud. Servant: Certainly, sir! Oh, go on, what did you say about me? Beastly: Well, I…. Servant: Did you say I was good in the bedroom? Beastly: What?! How dare you be so crass and foul! Servant: Good at cleaning, my lord! I am a servant, after all! Oh, I bet you told them all about how obedient I am! Oh, you know that I’d do anything for you, don’t you? Beastly: Well, yes but… Look, Servant, I didn’t actually, completely, absolutely truthfully, honestly tell them per se. Servant: What? Beastly: Well, I wanted them to think I was a bit more, you know, independent. A bit more… Servant: More what, sir? Beastly: Married. Servant: Married? Married? You’ve never so much as proposed to me! Beastly: Not to you, idiot, to a woman; a wife! Servant: A wife? What kind of a sick, twisted mind have you got, sir? You’re living a normal, happy life here with a hunchbacked, socially subnormal male of half your age that you pay to dress up in a uniform and clean out your quarters and you fantasize nightly about a legal, loving wife? You should be locked up, sir; it’s unnatural! Beastly: Look, I know, I’m sorry, OK? Just calm down and pop this potato into the closet under the stairs- Servant: Oh, I shall, and whilst I’m there I’ll lock myself in! Beastly: Wait, servant, we’ve got to- Slam! Beastly: Great, now I’ve got to get all this food ready in time for my Auntie coming round or I won’t even get a fiver in her Christmas card! Right, stew the beans, stuff the turkey…. Aha, fruit, what maestro could be without the succulent babes of nature?! Apples, oranges, pineapples, cherries, bananas, spiders, grapes… Spiders? Oh god… Servant! Servant! Servant: What now, hubbykins? Beastly: There’s a spider in my fruit bag! Servant: I’m not surprised, always sleeping around with that wife of yours! Beastly: For Christ sake, Servant, she doesn’t exist! Oh, god, it’s on my shirt! Oh god, oh god, oh god! Rip! Beastly: That’s one shirt gone, but at least the spider’s off me! (Pause) Oh, god, it’s on my ass! Get it off! Get it off! Servant: Why don’t you ask your dearest spouse? Beastly: Shut up! Only one thing for it, trousers down! Rip! Beastly: Ah, at least now… Argh! Oh, Satan help me, I guess I’m gonna have to do it! Rip! Stamp! Beastly: Goodbye, spidey! Servant: Goodbye, pants! Beastly: Oh, piffle, I’ll get dressed and then- Ding-Dong! Beastly: Here she is! Creak of door opening. Beastly: Hello, Auntie Ethel! Ethel: Argh! SCENE 2 Courtroom. Judge: Mr. Beastly, please enter the stand. Mr. Sneedly, would you like to cross-reference the accused? Sneedly: Yes, your honour. Now, Beastly, on the night of the 9th of February 2009, you claim to have preparing a meal for your Great Auntie, Mrs Ethel Nol, but it is reported that you were, in fact, preparing something a little more engaging for her, opening the door as naked and one-minded as a mole rat in heat! Beastly: Look, for the last time there was a hairy thing crawling all over me! Sneedly: We know! That is why your accomplice is also on trial! Beastly: Look, my servant didn’t do anything! I was trying to get him to come out of the closet and then all this happens! Sneedly: So we should add workplace harassment to your list of misdeeds?! Beastly: No, I- Look, what can I do to prove my innocence, what? Judge: Very little, I’m afraid. Do you maintain your statement of no guilt? Beastly: Yes. Judge: Very well, then. I sentence you, Lord Daevid Allen Beastly, to a week of community service. The exact details of your sentence will be revealed in a few moments to both you and your little helper. If you would please go into the waiting room… Footsteps and door noises as Beastly walks into Waiting Room. Servant: Hello, sir. Beastly: Oh, so you’re speaking to me now? Servant: I’m sorry about the other day, sir. I was making a fool of myself, trying to hide inside the closet. I don’t mind about that whole wife thing, really. In fact if you found your soul mate we could just relax whilst she did all the meaningless chores I do! Beastly: I’m not too sure that was a very PC thing to say, servant. Servant: In this script, sir, that was virtually a touch of class. Beastly: Oo-er, touch! Servant: See what I mean? Beastly: Oh well. What do you think we’ll get then, eh? Litter picking, rubbish collecting, disposal of nuclear waste? Servant: Don’t know, sir. Considering we’ve been done for sexual deviance and perversity, I don’t think they’ll give us anything important. Beastly: Mmmm. Fair point, actually. I mean, they wouldn’t let us near anyone who needs a caring, stable environment or is easily influenced, now, would they? Servant: No, sir, that would just be stupid and irresponsible. Beastly: Quite. Ah, here comes our sentence, now! Police: Beastly and Servant? Servant: Oh, yes! Police: Judge says he was going to let you do something important let litter picking but due to your conviction under section three of the UK Sex Acts Legislation, you’ve just got three weeks in a Primary School. Beastly: Oh, no…. Police: What’s up, you don’t like children? Servant: Oh, we like children, officer. We like children a lot! SCENE 3 A classroom; screaming kids. Mrs Whinmug: Settle down, children, settle down! Good morning, class! Kids: Good morning Mrs Whinmug! We love you! Mrs Whinmug: Oh, isn’t that nice? Well I’m afraid I’m only popping in for a few moments today because I’m going to a meeting with Mr. Prince and the other science teachers, but I’ve got some special friends to come in a and look after you today! Say hello to today’s tutor Mr Beastly and our new classroom assistant Mr…. Servant: Me? Oh it’s been so long I can’t remember! I’ve always felt a bit of a Richard, though. Mrs Whinmug: Yes, well… I’ll check up on you tomorrow, class, and then I’ll have to be off again on a training course down in Helsinki for a week, but I’m sure by then you’ll all be well acquainted! (To Beastly) They’re a lovely group, Mr Beastly; you’ll have no trouble at all! I’ll see you tomorrow and then you’ll be on your way for a bit, I’m afraid. So long!!! Follow Whinmug outside as door shuts. Mrs Whinmug: La dad a da, whoo booboo boos! Wahey! I’m dancing in the rain! I’m dancing in the- Car skid and crash noises. Back inside…. Beastly: Well, er, um…. Good morning class! Silence. Beastly: I said good morning class! Kid A: My mummy told me not to talk to strange people. Beastly: Really? Well, we’re not strange- Kid A: Are you kidding? That assistant of yours looks flipping demented! Servant: Hello, kiddies! Want a sweet? Kid B: Argh! Beastly: Well, that’s just, um, the way he is, really. Kid A: He’s a freaking mongo! Servant: That’s abuse of staff, sir, let me spank him! Beastly: No, for the love of Vishnu the last thing we need is you touching them in an inappropriate fashion! Servant: Go on, sir, one good spank! Let me make him lie down and just whack him in the a- Beastly: Shut up, servant! We’re already doing time in a Primary School for granny flashing, if you start doing this sort of thing we’ll end up in a nursery! Servant: That settles it, sir, I’ll spank his brains out! Beastly: No you bloody well won’t! Right, then, class, I’m going to pass this paper round and you’re going to write your names down, OK? Thank you. Alright, Servant, what do we need to teach the little buggers? Servant: First lesson is English, sir, and then they have a break and come back for maths and science. Beastly: Excellent! All written your names down, kids? Wonderful! I don’t know, servant, these modern parents giving babies silly names, its madness! Servant: Really, sir? Beastly: We never had any Yusaq M’dik in my day, let alone Hugh Renate! Wait, we’re one name short of the class total. You, girl, what’s your name? Girl: Er, Ura Silicunt, sir? Beastly: Thank you. Oh, well, English time! What book are you reading, class? Kid B: Harry Potter, sir! Beastly: Harry Potter? At least this should be easy. Right, kids, what page are we on? Kid A: 32. Beastly: Great. Can anyone tell me what’s happened so far? Kid A: Not really, sir. We mostly just focus on the use of extrapolative narrative compounds on the titular characterisation represented by tensile expletives and quasi-nouns. Beastly: Oh. Wonderful… Does your teacher ever show you videos? No? To bad, kiddies, watch and learn! Ah, this one should do! “Look and Weed: Learning Letters With Syd Barrett! “ Won’t this be fun! Kid A: No, he looks retarded! Beastly: Well, let’s try it anyway! VHS pushed into TV. Screen and sound flicker on. Syd: Is the camera on? Person: Yes, Syd, the camera is on. Syd: Is it eating solid light? Person: Yes, Syd, now sing the bloody song. Syd: Ok. Hello, kids! Do you like letters? I like letters! I write letters! I write letters to Suzy, and Jesus and Grape-fruit Man! I write letters to Grimbley Grombley Gnome-person, and all the pixies, and Iggy the Eskimo- Person: The song, Syd! Syd: Oh, OK, guys. Syd begins to sing to the “Magic E” song whilst randomly strumming / banging guitar. Syd: Let me teach, I’m high on weed! Magic, magic weed! Magic, magic weed! Pip, turns to pipe with me! Shin, turns to shine with me! Try, some, it’s only Class C! Try Magic, magic weed! Magic, magic weed! Beastly turns TV off. Beastly: Kids, you never saw that, did you? Kids: No, Mr Beastly. Beastly: Good. Now go on, get out and have your kit-kat or whatever it is. Kids: Yey! Beastly: Servant? Servant: Yes, sir? Beastly: You will remind me to kill my Auntie, won’t you? Servant: Yes, my lord! Beastly: Excellent… SCENE 4 Bell rings. Kids come noisily back into classroom. Beastly: OK, kids, we’ve almost got through a whole day of this farce, let’s see if we can make this go quick, eh? Servant: Trust me, children, Mr Beastly’s an expert on that! Beastly: Oh, shut up! Now, you are all 5, aren’t you? Class: Yes, sir. Beastly: Good, because the only work we could find said Year 5 on it. Apparently it isn’t suitable for anyone younger than that, so it’s a good bit of luck, really. So, who knows about their bodies? Come on, it shouldn’t be embarrassing! OK, then, lets try this another way; does anyone have any questions about the subject before we begin? Kid A: Can I ask Mr. Richard a question? Beastly: Why ever not? Fire away! Kid A: Mr Richards, are you a butt-plumber? Servant: What? How dare you so much as suggest that! Kid A: See, Ura, I told you he wasn’t! Everyone knows he’s just a filthy tranny! Servant: Sir, this is outrageous! Beastly: Not at all, servant! These children need to be able to explore possibilities, understand that there’s nothing wrong with…. People like you. Kid A: Yes there is, he’s a blinking she-male! Beastly: No, he’s not, he’s just… Wait, you aren’t are you? Servant: No! Honestly, just because I have two years worth of Men’s Health magazines under my bed you all think I’m dancing with the Tin-Man! Beastly: Oh, whatever, next question! Kid B: Mr Beastly, where do we come from? Beastly: (Nervously) Well, it’s, it’s sort of this area really… Kid B: No, I mean, where do we come from before we’re born? Beastly: Oh, right, I see what you mean. Now, Ura, do you know what the word “spunk” means? Kid A: No, sir, she means before that. She’s just being stupid, anyone, everyone knows god made us. Stupid! Kid B: Am not! Kid A: Am are! Beastly: Oh, shut up with the grammar-less bickering and get a grip! You get taught creationism? Kid A: Yes, sir. On the first day- Beastly: What is this place, Mississippi?! From now on, kids, there is no God! Now, we’re all going up to the school library to pick up some textbooks. Does anyone here read the God Dillusion? SCENE 5 Staffroom, teachers laughing. Teacher A: And then he says, “What’s that Miss?” and I say “Don’t worry Timmy, it’s a party balloon!” Teacher B: Hahahaha! You see, I told you she can be a laugh! Gloria, these are our new cover teachers- Beastly: Mr Beastly. Teacher A: Nice to meet you. Servant: Mr Richards. Teacher A: And you too. So, you got the easy ones, then? Beastly: Easy ones? What on Earth do you mean? Teacher A: The kids! They’re like angels compared to my group! Teacher B: And mine. Still, at least none of us have- Well, you know…. Servant: Know what? Teacher A: You mean they never told you about Shane? Beastly: No. Is he difficult or something? Teacher B: Let’s just say that if you were to simultaneously challenge Stephen Hawkins to a chess game, J.R.R. Tolkien to Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuits and Bill Gates to Monopoly, you still wouldn’t be in a more difficult situation than one involving Shane. Beastly: I don’t understand. Is he disabled or something? Teacher A: No, but his last three tutors are. Creak… Teacher A: Oh no, get down; It’s him! Play “O Fortuna” classical music. Scratch sound. Beastly: That’s it? All this terror over something from the cast of Time Bandits? Little sods only about a foot bloody high! Come here, Shane, I’ll get you a drink. Do you like coffee? Shane: Coff - ee? Teacher B: No, please stop, you don’t know what you’re doing! Beastly: Nonsense! Here, I’ll just get the coffee jar and- No, you can’t have that, Shane, me lad, I need to put water on them first…. Get off! Help! Servant, come here. He’s- Smash! Beastly: Great, coffee beans all over the- Oh God, he’s eaten them…. Come on, now, you can’t go- Argh! Teacher B: Run! Run! Running sounds and edgy string music. Servant: Sir, I have a plan! If we get into the main complex we can phone the InGen headquarters on Isla Sorna and get air lifted to safety! Beastly: Servant, that’s Jurassic bloody Park! Stop running. Beastly: Hang on, you may not be quite so stupid as your appearance or IQ tests would indicate- Servant: I get O confused with 7…. Beastly: In his caffeine induced frenzy, Shane may well have become inhibited by kinetically focused vision, that is to say that he needs you to move in order to see you. If we all stand still a moment…. Shane: (Getting closer and then further away) Blarghabittanargawargaoomphreyoom! Teacher B: He’s headed for the music room! Crashing drum sounds. Teacher A: I never knew he had such a talent for drumming! Beastly: Lord Beastly saves child from road into misery once again! All that time he was heading into a drugged, drunken, dead-ended future and now he’s gone into the music business. Come on, Servant, let’s go home, Coronation Street’s on in an hour… SCENE 6 Morning, the next week. Beastly: Fantastic! All present and correct! Now then, kids, I’ve got a special guest speaker coming in later, but first we’re going to continue learning about our bodies with a little song I like to call “Phallic Sneezes Spread Diseases”! A one, two, one, two, three, four! (Start strumming guitar) I’ve got a blob on the end of my nob and his name is Mr- Knock knock! Beastly: Well, close enough. That must be our guest speaker, I’ll just open the door. Door noise followed by sounds of an angry mob. Door close, Noises stop. Beastly: Well, that was odd. If I didn’t know better I’d say we’d just become some sort of migratory route for Daily Mail readers. Servant: Its worse, my lord; they’re an angry, hate fuelled mob! Beastly: There’s a difference? Smash and thud of stone thrown through window. Beastly: Leave this to me, servant. (Opens door) I say, what exactly do you want? Mob Member: You’re head on a spike! Beastly: Definitely Mail readers, servant. (Speaking slowly and deliberately) Why – do – you – want – to – kill - us? Mob Member: You’ve taught stuff to our kids, Beastly- Bad stuff! Come on, lads, get him! Beastly: Servant, to the hall! Crashing and chasing soundtrack. Mob Member: Aha, we’ve got him now! What do you say to that, people?! Mob 1: Monster! Mob 2: Weirdo! Mob 3: Demons! Deeeeeeeeeemons! Beastly: (Desperately) Look, what have we done wrong? Is it teaching them about drugs and puberty or something? Mob Member: Drugs and puberty? Half of them are up the duff and high on crack, anyway! Beastly: Well what is it, then? What? Mob Member: You’ve been teaching them about Darwin and monkeys and Atheism! Mob 1: Evil: Mob 2: Kill him! Mob 3: Burn the heretic! Deeeeeeeeeemons! Advancing mob sounds. Beastly: Well, this is it, Servant! Servant: My lord, I want you to know that I wanted your babies! Beastly: What?! Never mind, here they come! Argh! Knock knock! Crowd stops. Beastly: Oh, I almost forgot, our guest speaker. Come in! Dawkins: Hi, I’m Richard Dawkins! I here you’ve been reading my book. Mob Member: Richard… Dawkins? Book? What book? Dawkins: You didn’t know your kids had been reading the God Delusion? Mob 1: Argh! Mob 3: Demons! Mob sounds as mob chase Dawkins out of hall and away from Beastly and Servant. Dawkins: (In the distance) Ow, my Occam’s Razor! Beastly: Well, servant, lets get home before they crucify us to a wall or something. Servant: What about the kids, my Lord? Beastly: Oh, no need to worry; I’m sure their teacher will come back from her training in Hawaii once they tell her all about it. Somewhere in Hawaii: Mrs Whinmug: No, I’m still ill, Sandra, I need time re-training before I come home. You know, taking it easy and getting back in the swing. Alright. Will do. Bye. Phone buzz. Mr Prince: Wow, Mrs Whinmug, you really have made a recovery; even with your leg in plaster you can still do three lengths of the swimming pool! Mrs Whinmug: Its not the only thing I can do with a broken leg… Mr Prince: Really? What else can you- Oh. Ooooooh…. Credits over steel band Jamaican music. End of credits. CUT SCENE Beastly: Well, kids, here’s another English video. Kids: Yey! Beastly: Ok, here goes; it’s called “Lou and Reed”. Enjoy. VHS sounds. Lou Reed: Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony. VHS Stops and crackles. THE END.



Thyunda	Apr 15 2009, 07:59 PM Post #2
Administrator Posts: 711 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: April 20, 2008	Hahahh, awesome!



King Crimson	Apr 15 2009, 08:25 PM Post #3
Advanced Member Posts: 317 Group: Admin Member #10 Joined: February 27, 2009	Read all the way through? It kind of got reconstructed out of the one where he was going to get a wife, which I've actually just restarted....



Thyunda	Apr 15 2009, 09:37 PM Post #4
Administrator Posts: 711 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: April 20, 2008	If I reply, Crimson, it means I've read the whole thing. It ALWAYS means I read the whole thing.


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