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Can I shoot a 12 year old; the first real trouble with puberty.
Topic Started: Jan 29 2006, 08:19 AM (705 Views)
rikal
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Rebbetzin
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I need more hugs. Ds has been out of school for 2 1/2 wks and sometimes his chutzpa is amazing, even for a teenager. I think the better the kid is, the wilder he lashes out when something really bothers him. DH is avoiding the planned principal/son/father meeting and has cancelled out twice. He asks why I can't handle it. R' Porush also wants to see him again. Everyone says that I shouldn't push him because he has strong resistance to being bossed around by his wife.
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CravingRavioli
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aishes chayil
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here ya go
:hugs

Last summer I was discussing with some friends ab whether teenage boys were more difficult than teenage girls. I was leaning more towards girls being more difficult, but ds has said things and copped attitude that I don't think his sisters would do. (I know, bad grammar--sleep deprivation).
Not that I have any wise advice, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping that your situation gets resolved soon.

Tzippi
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FlowerGirl
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Rebbetzin
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:hugs

You're a very wise woman!

I just finished reading a book
"How to tlak so that kids would listen & how to listen so the kids would talk"
It is absolutely amaizing, and might be of help to you.

Hope all goes well!
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rikal
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Rebbetzin
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CR - Boys and girls each have their meshugassen. Its a close call, but I put my money on the girls. A teenage girl is your competion in the house and can leave poor dh frazzled. My poor dh married me w/a 10 yr old dd. It was hell until she went to dorm (desired by all and highly recommended by educators and mashpiim). You have to have given birth to them to love them at that age.

FG, thanx for the compliment. I now have all 3 of my young ones at home and dh is just now starting to get that the situation is ridiculous.

As to the book, we don't have a communication prob. I am sure that if dh would say "You get your butt out of bed in the morning and go to school!", we wouldn't have this prob. There are now about 10 kids in this age group out of school as the problem is contagious. Nobody wants to be the sucker that drags himself out of bed every morning and gets on that bus. Those 10 kids (surprise, surprise) are my 3, 2 from a father who is in heavy counseling as he avoids all responsibility, and 2 from a house where the father works long hours and her kids are friends of ours. I suggested to her that she keep her sons away from mine until this thing is settled.

I also don't use books that use "techiques". The book is an old one and it was hard to become a SW in the 80s and not come across it. My friend swore by it and her ds looked at her and said, "Mom, don't use that psychological stuff on me". The Rav we use calls that trying to manipulate the other to do or act as we want. I believe that in communicating the most important thing is where you are coming from and not the terminology. If you read Tony Robbins or c"v experience EST you will see how important language is to them. Learning a new language. This was astutely recognized by G. Orwell (I know the ex. is extreme).

Even in SW I learned the shita of E. Berne whose whole work was about getting people to truly communicate as opposed to putting in the disc and playing the role. Even if the role is caring parent. Be one, don't act like one. Come from the right place and you'll find the words. Put the effort in to loving the child as opposed to loving ourselves through the children.
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FlowerGirl
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Rebbetzin
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I overall agree with what you wrote about communication.
However, there are different ways of giving a message, and some are more constructive then others.

The "How to talk" book is actually very good, b/c it points out how different modes of communication ilicit specific reactions & actions and you don't need to read the book in order to figure out which ones are more productive (and which ones are manipulative, etc).
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