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| Sending away to learn | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 8 2006, 06:26 AM (1,446 Views) | |
| chavamom | Apr 3 2006, 09:56 PM Post #46 |
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Bala Buste
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The more I see how my nearly 14 year-old behaves lately, the more I am rethinking sending him away..... GRRR. Obnoxious and everything is everyone else's fault. He slugs his brother. But it's his brother's fault! Why? B/c 'he's obnoxious'. GAH. I can't take it anymore. I told him that I didn't care how obnoxious his brother was, in our house we do not permit physical violence. So no joke, he tries to start lecturing me on how 'one day I am going to realize that it is his brother's fault b/c I am going to see that he is obnoxious and hit him too'. I told him to leave the table b/c he was in danger of me hitting him (I don't hit him) and he stomps off to his room ranting 'You SEE! You favor him! He provokes me and you do nothing to him!' His brother made a face at him, btw, that was the provokation. And he mamash slugged him twice for it, the second time after I said 'keep your hands to yourself'. Jerks, both of them. |
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| rikal | Apr 4 2006, 12:15 AM Post #47 |
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Rebbetzin
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Is he your 1st to get there? I had it 5 times already. Just like kids dutifully pick up in gan and Mom has to "coerce", this shtus is put in its limits in the dorm. The other kid is the same age and may be bigger. If he's not someone else is. The no violence rule is from an authority figure, not somebody we get into justifications and negociations like Mom. Nobody needs to tell most Moms today its hormones. Wait to you see a girl that age in action. :ha It is hard to remember that though and many parents find themselves in a position of weakness vis a vis their 14 yr old gaon. My father used to always tell us the old saying about how at age 17 he was amazed how dumb his dad was and when he was 21 he was amazed at how smart he got in 4 years. Another yeshiva tip - take a look at shiur gimmel. Are they good guys? They are the role model at least as much as the rabbonim. They lead the shiur alef guys in mivtzoim and run optional shiurim and such. Not perfect, finetooth comb shidduch check out. Do they act like Chassidishe bachurim? Does the class have koch or are they cold? |
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| chavamom | Apr 4 2006, 12:49 AM Post #48 |
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Bala Buste
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Yup, howdja guess, :hide I forgot to add that that^ is me hiding from my older 2 boys! |
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| rikal | Apr 4 2006, 01:22 AM Post #49 |
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Rebbetzin
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Cause I didn't see anything unusual. Thank HaShem he's normal. The way he goes now will depend on how he's handled. He does what he does because he wants to be independent, mature and knowledgeable - strong. He doesn't want to be dependent, juvenile or uninformed - weak. The prob is deep down he knows that he is less of an adult than you are so he watches you from the corner of his eye. He needs 2 things now - as much age appropriate freedom to make his own choices and deal with the consequences and to see that his parents are sure of themselves, have things basically under control and have a definite mutual derech. I can tell you personally that it is catastrophic if even one of these is missing in the parent. I now have 3 kids at home. The important thing is that his limits and responsibilities reflect his true maturity and not society's norms. I know somebody asked for notes - maybe after Pesach/Bar Mitzva. Rav Porush in his class on the teenage years says that na'ar comes from l'na'er - to shake up or er - to be aware, awake. He said at this age a child can be either all shook up and confused or er, aware, of things that adults have forgotten. That is why teenagers are usually extreme about what they are into. It doesn't matter if it is crass materialism, saving EY or bringing Mashiach. The difference is based on do they have something positive to channel all their energy into and do they have a place to safely experiment with their independence. A child given the oportunity to be responsible will not need to rebel as he will not perceive a threat to his independence. Another project to the mile long list of what I may do someday: translate the book Ani V'haNa'ar. A whole sefer on the year before Bar Mitzva and excellent. I suggest that what's in that book be learned when your son reaches 10 and the advice is useful until they come out the other end of tipeshesreh, somewhere between 18 and 24. That is on the list right after developing an 8 week workshop based on the teachings of R' M. Rotenshtein, R' Porush and a few others with a combined experience of around 200 yrs. in dealing successfully with frum teenagers and their parents. |
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| FlowerGirl | Apr 4 2006, 12:05 PM Post #50 |
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Rebbetzin
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My kids are no where near teenagehood, but I'm fed up with their: "he looked at me" Sneak peek into future? :evil: Do u know where they sell patience? |
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| CravingRavioli | Apr 4 2006, 12:57 PM Post #51 |
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aishes chayil
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The thing with my teenage son, he's not just my bechor, he's also the only boy. He doesn't slug his sisters, he just gets into these long "insult fests" with them, especially with his teeange sister. I can't wait till tomorrow night when I force my teenagers to work together on pesach cleaning the bookcase. I'll probably have to leave the room so I don't have to listen to their fighting. I don't care at this point, as long as they get the job done. I should add that ds is very good with his baby sister. I have this great pic of him learning gemara with the baby on his lap. I'd post it if I knew which computer it was saved to. |
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| chavamom | Apr 4 2006, 03:27 PM Post #52 |
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Bala Buste
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This is true here too. He has always been good with the 'baby'. He is good with his 3 year-old brother too. It's just his brother 18 mos younger that brings out the worst in him. |
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| CravingRavioli | Apr 4 2006, 04:13 PM Post #53 |
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aishes chayil
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It must be something with that age difference. My two older ones are 17 months apart, so they pretty much hit adolescence at the same time. |
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| rikal | Apr 5 2006, 12:21 AM Post #54 |
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Rebbetzin
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Close in age = competion. This close in age is a different prob. Its worse w/stepdads, but bothers & sisters is bad enough. I call it pargia syndrome. A pargia in Hebrew is a "teenaged" chicken, not a chick and not a rooster. They walk around the yard all day screaming ku ku riko just because they now can and they have the urge. I now have 3 of them. There is an age when something itches boys but they don't quite know what. That makes the presence of girls, including sisters annoying. W/o thinking about it they fight w/their sis to keep healthy distance. And when dd is dealing w/her hormones, too, it can hit the fan everytime they see each other. |
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3:37 AM Jul 11