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| Am I the meanest mother in the world? | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 7 2006, 11:58 PM (969 Views) | |
| chavamom | Mar 7 2006, 11:58 PM Post #1 |
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Bala Buste
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My 13 1/2 year-old son has been making us nuts lately on a number of points. There would be the poor school performance (mostly due to inconsistant homework), waking up at the last minute for minyan and making everyone late - despite incentives, etc and the biggest would be his total lack of taking responsibility for anything. It is always 'someone else's fault'. So today, I went to pick him up from school and he doesn't come out. Everyone has left and I'm still sitting there. Finally, I go inside and he is sitting in the office waiting to speak to the assistant principal. Apparently he got involved in an altercation and was spraying glue on someone's locker (he was not the only one involved). He tries to claim that he was not involved, he was trying to take it away from other kids, etc - however, there are numerous witnesses to the contrary, including a teacher. SO I left him. I had dinner to make and carpool to run. He called later and wanted me to come get him and I refused (near tears said "I can't believe you are going to really make me walk"). We live 3 miles from school and there are actually people who walk/run it for exercise daily. A friend's mother stopped to give him a ride and called me and I told her 'no, please don't'. She said 'but he's wearing short sleeves and doesn't have a coat' (it was in the upper 40's -low 50's). He has recently decided that he is 'too cool' for long sleeves or a coat. I told her that was poor planning on his part and perhaps he would take a jacket tomorrow. SOOOO - he came home, tried to act angry for a minute, saw it was getting nowhere, ate dinner and fell asleep....at 8 PM. Bet he wakes up for minyan on time tomorrow. But I know that I am going to have a rep as the meanest mom in town. |
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| Karapooz | Mar 8 2006, 12:04 AM Post #2 |
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aishes chayil
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Oh, boy. That's the teen years for ya! Hopefully, he'll look beyond self-pity and actually realize where he messed up. And I see that issues don't change much from toddlerhood into adolescence. They get a bit more sophisticated, but are essentially the same! LOL |
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| rikal | Mar 8 2006, 01:02 AM Post #3 |
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Rebbetzin
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I was assistant to a child psychologist and he used to tell me that kids go through an ugly stage at 4-5 and repeat it 10 years later. You were not at all mean. The best way to teach an older child is by letting him live with the consequences of his actions. Mom is not a 24 hr carservice. She come at ... and if you aren't there because you screwed up, tough luck. My absentee is now dealing with the fact that he is the only kid his age not talking about the school Purim party. And no, under no circumstances can he play "visitor" at his old school for the party. The flip side is some kids will accept the consequences, but there is no real way to force a child over bar mitzva. Maybe dh can get physical but hitting is assur after bar mitzva and you'll pay dearly for that one at 17 when ds grows. Here B"H, nearly every boy goes into yeshiva w/dorm at 8th-9th grade. It does wonders for three reasons: 1) The issues between parents and teenagers are not there - the comparisons are with other boys their age and not there older sister who can stay out later, etc. 2) Parents can choose a yeshiva where the kids have a good standard of behaviour, positive peer pressure, and the kid who puts glue on a kid's locker is not cool, ditto one who doesn't have the sense to wear proper clothes. 3) Also, the staff there knows more about teenage boys and of what they are capable. Teenage rebellion can be almost entirely be shown to traced to independence issues. In yeshiva kids have more independence and responsibilities in most whole families. Just traveling back and forth by themselves makes them more responsible. If I did that to my kid they would use their money or borrow from a friend and take the bus. Forcing kids to take 18 years to "grow up" is artificial and not the case in most of the world. In the US model kids don't have enough independence and responsibility and my kids had too much because their Mom was a single parent.An important truth I learned from the rav we use for shalom bayis/chinuch: If the choice is a close one between being too strict or too lenient choose the strict option. A child that has been raised too leniently will have a hidden problem that will take years, if ever, to be found. The kid who was treated too strictly will have a visible problem and can be helped more readily. |
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| rikal | Mar 8 2006, 01:20 AM Post #4 |
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Rebbetzin
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From my course with R' Porush: A youth is Hebrew is na'ar, נער. The root nun-ayin-reish is to shake. The essential root is ayin-reish which means awake, aware, conscious. Depending on the handling of this independence issue and the consistency of the parents and school a teenager will either be shook up or tossed here and there or become aware of what is expected of him and what his responsibilities are.. This is the confusion that causes rebellion. If he is consistently given appropriate responsibility and the parents are consistant in their limits, even if they are not the area norm or the child disobeys, the chilod will learn to be a responsible adult. |
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| aaa | Mar 8 2006, 09:51 AM Post #5 |
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queen
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good for you, chavamom! hope he learned his lesson. I agree with you 100% about not sending a boy that age away from home. sleepaway yeshivos like to believe they have total supervision and control, but that is simply not true. i have heard some terrible stories about things going on at sleepaway yeshivos. these may be the exception to the rule, but such things are far less likely to happen when the boys live at home. besides, unless there are very strong reasons why parents cannot or should not do so, they should be the ones exerting the major influence over their children. I for one am not about to reliquish that right or that responsibility to someone else. |
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| realgood | Mar 8 2006, 12:02 PM Post #6 |
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aishes chayil
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According to love and Logic chava mom, you did the right thing. Good For you! |
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| Zeesachaya | Mar 8 2006, 12:51 PM Post #7 |
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Rebbetzin
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Awesome Chavamom. I would have done the same thing. Dh was raised very strictly and as such he is extremely independent, knows how to take care of things and excelled in the military as a youth. Me? Raised totally free and hippy dippy - I can't do a dang thing for myself and I am still a major slob trying to figure out a schedule for everything. |
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| 0613 | Mar 8 2006, 12:52 PM Post #8 |
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:)
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SHKOYACH chavamom!! :clap |
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| Karapooz | Mar 8 2006, 01:11 PM Post #9 |
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aishes chayil
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Honestly, I believe consequences are the best form of punishment. No one is being the meanie. Whatever happens, happens. Don't want it to happen? Act differently. |
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| zuncompany | Mar 8 2006, 01:14 PM Post #10 |
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Administrator
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I was raised like Sarah and still trying to figure out how to deal with life! URG!!! Chavamom- your awesome! I really commend you for doing what you did. It is the harder thing in the short run but in the long run it pays off. How did he do today? |
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| ebpeuka | Mar 8 2006, 01:53 PM Post #11 |
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aishes chayil
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Oh, yes, I forgot to start off by saying that I think you did great, chavamom. |
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| chavamom | Mar 8 2006, 05:05 PM Post #12 |
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Bala Buste
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Well, he got himself up this morning. We'll see how he does when he gets home from school. |
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| CravingRavioli | Mar 8 2006, 06:31 PM Post #13 |
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aishes chayil
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Chavamom, you're my hero. This age can drive you bananas. My ds is a little older (KA"H almost 15) and I have moments where I think he would be better off going away to yeshiva. The problem is, my meshugge son only wants to go to France. France? You gotta be kidding me. And now he wants to go to yeshiva kayitz in Russia. He and his sister (age 13 1/2 KA"H) both seem to view me and dh as human ATM machines. B"H it's mostly for good things, like for instance ds has been making a wish list from the Artscroll catalog. That's a good thing, but not to the tune of $2,000. |
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| realeez | Mar 8 2006, 06:53 PM Post #14 |
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Brain Freeze
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Sounds like you handled the situation very well! |
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| FlowerGirl | Mar 8 2006, 09:27 PM Post #15 |
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Rebbetzin
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I know you weren't asking for advice, but tell them they can work to earn the $$ for their wishes & you will cheap in up to a sertain amount. and if you're seriously considering sending your 15 yr old to anywhere in the former Soviet Union, I strongly reccomend pm-ing ebpeuka about it - she might have sometips/ advise for your. PS I also have an Artscroll wish list........... ('ve got any extra chash in your ATM? :money LOL) |
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