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What do you do?; re: yeshivas
Topic Started: Jun 2 2007, 11:05 PM (563 Views)
chavamom
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What do you do if your son is in a school that is not appropriate for him, but is saying "you can't make me" about going somewhere that would be more appropriate? There are a few great places that we could send him, but of course most places aren't crazy about taking a kid who says that he doesn't want to be there....
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U Tarzan Me Jane
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Oy. I did that to my parents. In the end they did make me.... :hugs
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chavamom
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But how?!?! Most places don't want you if you don't want to go!
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U Tarzan Me Jane
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I was actually REJECTED. (oops) My father got another interview and told me that I was to go and act like I WANTED to be there, and if I didn't I would be very sorry. He said it scarily enough that I believed him so I did what he said and stayed in the school for all 4 HS years.

Once I got there, it wasn't as bad as I thought. Although in hindsight it was a bit frummer then I was, and It worked against me a bit.
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chavamom
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I don't think that would work at this point :( .
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rikal
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I have one at home as you people know for just that reason. He is here because dh says "It's his decision..." Uh, not entirely. 12-14 yrolds do not have the proper tools and maturity to choose their school. I know that if dh and I would say to him together, "We made this decision because...." and listen to his objections he would have been in school a year ago. I believe the two of you should sit down and make him explain his objections, maybe he is afraid of fitting in with a new chevra, my son is but will never admit it as he was always the teacher's pet and king of the class. Maybe he's afraid of the level of learning/observance. If the new place entails going to dorm then its best he's as ok with the idea as possible.

Don't let him know feel that you "need" him to go or you will up the stakes.

Another idea. That the rav or someone talk to him. Most kids won't just shrug and say they don't want to the rav. Respect makes them try to answer questions honestly plus the rav doesn't have the emotional peckele to overcome. It s not his teenager.

Often the I don't wanna is for parents. They don't have the guts to say it to a RY. You can also find if the hanhala is understanding to reasons for moving him and do what they can to help him feel wanted.
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chavamom
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I think our husbands come from similar backgrounds. Mine had parents that never made him do homework and let him drop out of Hebrew school after a year because he "didn't like it". So that's where we are starting from.

I'll see if maybe we can get a meeting with his rebbe set up. He respects him.

His reasons for not wanting to go are that he thinks he wants to be "modern Orthodox". Keep in mind that he thinks this means "a heter to watch movies and hang out with girls" and not some big philosophical issue.
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rikal
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As to backgrounds, dh was just the opposite. The day before our wedding my mil was still telling dh what he had to wear, had to comb his hair, etc. We have a prob of he is going to the opposite extreme to make sure his boys can breathe. Result is the same.

As to the MO thing, dd told her guidance counselor that her Mom was c l o s e d. When she talked to me we figured out that open minded was a code word for permissive. We confronted her and let her know that in this we are on the same page despite the fact that we came from different groups. The counselor in the school she chose for herself was Litvish and she thought that would keep me from working with the school or communicating with the counselor. Change the terminology on him. Unfortunately, when he gets in to yeshiva he will find that in the best place there will probably be someone else who also secretly wishes he could be 'modern'. They tend to ditch this one at shidduch time when they chap that a good name is everything.
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rikal
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One of my sons wanted to go to yeshiva tichonit for the same reason. When we got there he was refused but what the RY said to him helped. He pointed out that he was wearing a black kippa and his family is charedi. He then explained that in his yeshiva he wants boys who want to pick themselves up and not knock themselves down. He then refused to take him. It went in deep. He is DL today, but someone who is picking himself up and not going down.
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chavamom
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rikal
Jun 3 2007, 12:04 AM
They tend to ditch this one at shidduch time when they chap that a good name is everything.

Oh, absolutely. I've seen that a number of times over with friend's kids. But how do you keep them from ruining their name in the meantime?!!!!
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rikal
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chavamom
Jun 3 2007, 07:18 AM
rikal
Jun 3 2007, 12:04 AM
They tend to ditch this one at shidduch time when they chap that a good name is everything.

Oh, absolutely. I've seen that a number of times over with friend's kids. But how do you keep them from ruining their name in the meantime?!!!!

A leash just long enough to give a little slack. Though we have to make the face that we expect good behavior but know within you that they will bend the rules somewhat and not to get hysterical. If you are consistent about what you think is right and wrong, even if they don't listen now they will come back to it. Do keep your eyes ears and nose open to step in if things go in a real bad direction.

A good yeshiva ketana rebbe knows that no matter how tight the misgeret the kids will manage to add some individuality. Where ds#1 went it was wear shirts with light stripes instead of totally white. In another ds's yeshiva it was hiding a cellphone or double sided CDs with Avraham Fried on one side and some pushtaky garbage on the other side.

Its all a level of degree.
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chavamom
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Dh and I had a talk with ds today that went significantly better. We are going to go to Chicago to look at the schools there, probably this week.
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zuncompany
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any chance you will be hoping over here when you are in the mountains for the summer?

btw- will you be around the sunday after tisha b'av???
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chavamom
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Yes, we should be in Philly after camp is over. But I think the Sun. after Tisha B'av we are still in camp. Is that your upsherin? Maybe I can take that as my day off (I'm allowed one for the month).
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zuncompany
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:) yes, july 29th and it is looking to be a mini jwn get together going on! We are calling it for 11:30 but people will be in and out all day. Otherwise let me know when you will be in our neighborhood!
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