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My 6-year-old resents not wearing short sleeves
Topic Started: Jun 7 2007, 08:55 PM (370 Views)
daisy
princess
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Last summer I decided that dd should begin wearing longer sleeves (she was 5 and several months). Dh's family is chabad and they start at 3 (dh is not so makpid, though); my family varies, but I think 6 is about the norm.

She was OK with it last summer, but didn't love the idea. This summer I see it is really bothering her. She really doesn't have any short sleeved clothing except for 1 shirt that ironically was given to her by some of the chabad relatives as part of an outfit. She always puts on that shirt and tries to lose whatever she is wearing over it. She also likes to dress up and run around in clothing that is not tznius.

A lot of her classmates still wear short sleeves. She is one of the oldest in her class, so many of them are still 5 (there are no chabad kids in her class).

I've been giving her gentle reminders, but I don't feel good about it. I don't want her to resent tznius at the age of 6. I want her to feel good about tznius. When I was a kid the tznius norms were much older and I came to want to be tznius before it was expected of me. On the other hand, I don't know that letting it go and reversing a decision like this is good chinuch either, especially since 6 is kind of borderline for this anyway.

This is where not quite fitting in to a community unfortunately becomes a problem (a whole other story).

Anyone have experience with this?
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zuncompany
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one thought- could you take her out and offer to go shopping with her and find some snious clothing that she likes. This way she can be a part of the whole process and can take ownership of the decision.
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rikal
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Rebbetzin
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It is hard when the community is different and you are the tougher end. When we moved to the yishuv B"H tznius was better than it is here now. There wasn't this minhag to wear pants under the skirt even when its shvitzen hot outside.

My dd had beautiful clothes but the fashions worn in the city, She started bugging me to get more "yishuvy" looking clothes. We made a deal. I made the tznius rules and she could use her own taste when shopping. Also she could not just throw her whole closet out but she could pick her new things. It worked well. She could now buy skirts to the ground but not to the knee or with slits. Ditto tops. She could buy trico but not short sleeves. And so on. But she was already 10.

When I decided that dd had to be tznius all the time we did it for her BD. Took her out and bought her a dress she loved - with sleeves, Will the community catch up when most of the girls are 6? If not you will have to work hard on implanting pleasantly the specialness of the mitzva and how she is a big girl for being tznius.

Don't go back on the decision, it teaches that these things are arbitrary and if parents can just make it up so can I. Only you don't realize they got that msg until 12-13. It is a fair request for her age. Teaching your child that though we are in a community this is what's done in our home is healthy. Very healthy. She won't hate tznius if she doesn't feel you are buying her ugly clothes. It will build her character if she has to occasionally be a little different.

I also have no trouble vetting friends. If you find that there are girls teasing her or encouraging her to not listen I would steer her away from those girls. If she does not look weird and is a nice girl to her friends it will blow over. I will say that it is better to be in a school where the kids are a little above you than a little below because the peer pressure is in the right direction.
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Its Me
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Bala Buste
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:hugs
Edited by Its Me, Feb 1 2009, 04:15 PM.
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sauls_mom
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i agree with previous poster- let her pick out some of the new clothes to wear. also- are there any books that deal with it that may help?
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hallie_ari_mom
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Rebbetzin
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Or.. you can buy a few things that you feel are acceptable, and let her play store in your house. Return what she doesn't like. I am just guessing that if you bring her to a store with tank tops and short sleeves she'll be drawn to them.
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ScrappingMom
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My kids have been among people who dress differently than us. I explained to them (without putting anyone down) that we dress this way because this is who we are. And everyone does what's right for them. You could explain to your daughter that this is how things are done in your household. And like previous posters said, let her help pick out her wardrobe.

Good luck!
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Reverse Karma
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can you add lace or something to shirts she already has? i also don't like layers.
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DefyGravity
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princess
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Are they wearing longs sleeves or quarter length? If they're wearing long sleeves, maybe get them 3/4 length so they'll feel a little cooler.
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zuncompany
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i find it very hard to find 3/4 for little ones.
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CravingRavioli
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aishes chayil
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There are some stores here that carry 3/4 sleeve shirts as small as size 4.

This issue only came up recently with my 6 yr old. We go out of town for the summer, and she goes to camp with all different types of girls who are at all different levels of tznius (including not at all). She never made an issue out of it, she understood that different people do different things. She only started asking about wearing short sleeves or short socks whenour new neighbor's 6 yr old daughter came outside to play in short sleeves and short socks. The whole "different people do different things" discussion doesn't really apply here. But I stood my ground and told her that tznius was not negotiable. she had one meltdown and never brought it up again.
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daisy
princess
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thanks for all the responses. They are really helpful. Most of her tops are 3/4 sleeves. Last year my mom shortened a bunch of them for her.

I don't make a big deal about socks, but have been slowly encouraging her to wear them and she's usually OK with it.

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rikal
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Rebbetzin
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zuncompany
Jun 8 2007, 09:56 PM
i find it very hard to find 3/4 for little ones.

Do I see a business opportunity? Here they have 3/4 for baby up.
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zuncompany
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Its the "out of town" communities where its harder. I would love for frei though!
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ScrappingMom
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Jewish Housewife
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zuncompany
Jun 10 2007, 04:01 PM
Its the "out of town" communities where its harder. I would love for frei though!

There you go- another excuse to make a trip here. :D
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