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| Explaining the concept of death to a 3 yr old; How to do it... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 3 2007, 02:31 AM (429 Views) | |
| Jo :-) | Jun 3 2007, 02:31 AM Post #1 |
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queen
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Hi I'm looking for some advice. After not saying much about my father for about a week, My DS has been asking about him over the last few days.... "Where's grandpa gone?" "Is he still at the hospital?" "It's taking a long time" Etc etc How can one explain the concept of death to a 3 yr old? I have tried but it is such a difficult idea for a child to understand and I could do with some help! Has anyone been in this position? What did you say? |
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| buba-luba | Jun 3 2007, 02:44 AM Post #2 |
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aishes chayil
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I haven't been in the position of a close relative passing away (B"H my Dad should be healthy!) but we've had to deal with explaining the death of a friend to Adin (3 1/2). It happened in such a way we had no choice - we were at the zoo planning a picnic when DH got a phone call that the levaya was to take place within the hour. We told him the friend had been very sick, and sometimes when people get sick or are old, they go to be with Hashem. We are sad because we won't be able to see them anymore, but they're fine since Hashem is taking care of them now. He asked a lot of questions, like "will he come back", "is his wife going to bring him back" and then for a while each time we met someone old he would ask whether that person was going to go and be with Hashem... Also he's asked who Bubby and Zaide's grandparents were, and asked whether they were with Hashem and that's why we didn't get to see them. Of course this would be appropriate only in a religious context. We didn't say anything about the actual levaya and what happens to the body - I think it's way too soon. Good luck, I wouldn't keep the truth hidden since he for sure sees your sorrow and will make up all kind of weird stories unless told anything. |
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| shortcake | Jun 3 2007, 03:00 AM Post #3 |
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aishes chayil
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both my paternal grandparents passed away last year and I had to explain to my DD age 4...my kids went to the cemetary for the lavayas as per my father's and his sisters request, but I had them w/a babysitter a bit aways during the actual burial- I explained to her that zaidie's mommy/tatty- her grandma/grandpa went to hashem and now zaidy is very sad and we're going to the "sad place" (the cemetary) she was also at my parents house during the shiva, so I kept reminding her that we went to the sad place and zaidy is sad...I'm not sure how much she understood, but she does associate the "sad place" with s/o going to hashem...it might have been easier for her to get it, since she only remembers my grandmother as very ill in a bed- i'm not sure. |
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| Jo :-) | Jun 3 2007, 04:07 AM Post #4 |
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queen
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We have talked about dad 'being very sick and going to be with Hashem' and that we are sad. I am certainly not keeping things hidden, but DS is having trouble understanding and he is the type to ask and ask until he does understand... DS didn't go the levaya or cemetery, but did spend some time at the Shiva when it was fairly quiet (and it was only 2 days) and he certainly has sensed that something major has happened. I guess it will sink in for him with time and we will carry on answering his questions |
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| ykmommy | Jun 3 2007, 06:11 AM Post #5 |
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aishes chayil
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from my own experience, a problem arose when I was sick and ds was told that 'mommy was very sick' because he then asked his Tatty, "Does that mean she is leaving us and going to Hashem?" So - this made me think, "Oh-oh, now he will aske if every sick person is going to leave to go to Hashem!" I then said that sometimes Hashem gets lonely and wants some company, so he picks people that would make a really good friend, and that person goes to be with Hashem. We are sad, because we miss them in our life, but happy that they are making Hashem happy. Just last night - we were 'cloud watching' before shekiah and I pointed to a cloud that looked like Har Sinai with the shechinah over it and ds asked, "Is the cloud shaped like 'so and so' there too?" I comforted him and said, "Yes, right beside Hashem's cloud" (every little bit can help). Sorry I've gone on and on. I just know what it's like because I lost my father when I was little from cancer and I wish I had the answers then. |
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| buba-luba | Jun 3 2007, 08:05 AM Post #6 |
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aishes chayil
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Yep... After that expanation we had an intense time of questioning, and tried to do our best to explain. For example - we saw someone bold, and DS asked me why he was bold, so I said it's because some people lose their hair when they get older. His immediate question was "so he's going to go to Hashem?". I don't remember what I answered... Then the questions got rarer and stopped. |
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| sauls_mom | Jun 3 2007, 12:36 PM Post #7 |
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Bala Buste
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i know there are some good books out there- maybe some has a link to one jewish based? good luck and HUGS |
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| Ima2Netanel | Jun 3 2007, 12:47 PM Post #8 |
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princess
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I cant answer you on how, but the why is important. My mom passed away at 3 and I still have unresolved issues because nobody ever talked to me about it. I wasnt at the funeral, etc. Nobody ever really told m what happened. Kids know when something is wrong/different. They need to feel included. If you dont tell him the basics (obviously age appropriate) he may begin to see death as something that needs to be hidden/feared or is shameful. |
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| Marion | Jun 3 2007, 01:25 PM Post #9 |
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aishes chayil
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There's one I remember from when I was little called "why did Grandpa die"...I don't remember if it's got a Jewish slant or not, but even if not it was pretty generic (no pictures of churches or talk about Jesus, if you know what I mean). |
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| ScrappingMom | Jun 3 2007, 03:12 PM Post #10 |
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Jewish Housewife
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I agree with telling your son. When my brother passed away, my parents didn't want to talk about it, and that was hard on us kids. My kids were little when my grandfather passed away, but I spoke with them about it. Obviously, the amount of information depends on the child's age and maturity. :hugs |
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| U Tarzan Me Jane | Jun 3 2007, 03:15 PM Post #11 |
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Rebbetzin
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:hugs :hugs |
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| rikal | Jun 4 2007, 12:23 AM Post #12 |
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Rebbetzin
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The thing to watch for is that the child doesn't get apprehensive that others, like Mommy and Daddy, may also leave him to go with HaShem. In a case like this, where the person was older you can say that when one gets older and has lived a life of doing and love then HaShem takes our loved one to be with Him so he will never be sick or have to suffer again. It is also important to say that zaide can still see them and will still watch them grow and be happy about them doing mitzvos or good things. It is just we who can't see them, so we are sad. For the person who went to be with HaShem it is the best. I envy you because by us a four year old will tell you that he is at the babysitter because his family went to a funeral, how many were killed, what families they were, etc. When I told my nephew that my Mom was also with HaShem he said, "Who killed her?" |
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| ykmommy | Jun 4 2007, 06:37 AM Post #13 |
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aishes chayil
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Wow, different world - no? Hard to believe that little ones have to live through such pain like seeing their family killed. Makes you rethink your life a bit. thanks for a different perspective, Rikal. |
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| hallie_ari_mom | Jun 4 2007, 07:26 AM Post #14 |
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Rebbetzin
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Hallie is 4.5 and we recently started discussing death. She calls her great-grandma's Bubbe's, but she has no Zayde's. We were watching my wedding video last week when I said, "oh look.. they are Bubbe and Zayde that you never met". I was looking to open the conversation and she took the bait. "Can I see them?" "no, they died". Oh.. "Are they in heaven" "yes, sweetheart" "Mommy? Can we visit heaven when we go to Florida next time...." At that point I figured she had enough info to ponder and I kissed her keppie and walked away. |
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| zuncompany | Jun 4 2007, 09:01 AM Post #15 |
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Administrator
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Its interesting because Zu sees pics of FIL and knows he is not alive but doesn't seem phased at all by it. When we were talking about the upshern for Tev he said Bubbe, Bebe, and Papa are coming but not Zayde but I love them all. |
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