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curriculum; need help asap
Topic Started: May 26 2008, 03:09 PM (978 Views)
rikal
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Rebbetzin
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Very hard situation. Sometimes a hanhala will decide that a certain parent is too much for them to deal with and sometimes it is justified.

We have hear a mother who thinks she is in hanhala and tries to micromanage the schools. Our brilliant yishuv put her on vaad chinuch and she ruined one school and her older kids had no friends.

The mamad is public school and has to take everyone. When they moved their 2nd son to Talmud Torah the principal told the father that the child could be there on condition Mommy did not come to the school or call. Abba was the one who had to deal with issues. They were right. So even if you are ok know that parents can make a hanhala insane, especially religious parents. Its in our genes. The boys in Talmud Torah are popular. The girls are still in mamad and have no friends.

I AM NOT saying that its your case, but having to deal with these parents will make them short or suspicious.

There is a difference between an Orthodox school with all kinds and a school run by one kind and your kids are different. They will disrespect their teachers or parents, both serious averot.

Do you have a good relationship with the head shalaiach or the guy at the top with pull in the school. Enlisting their help often helps.
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shortcake
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here, kindergarten they go through the alef bais in order and learn a letter a week and are able to point to the letters and say the name/sound "mem is for mommy" "ches is for challah" in pre1a they review the letters first and then start going through the nekudos- kamatz alef ah etc... and start blending and by the end of the year they can read from the siddur some kids better than others/more smoothly... in english they learn the abc's and lots of sight words and how to sound out words to read, but like hebrew some kids are more smooth than others...
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rikal
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I would be careful, that is a lot of problematic practices in one post.
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Zeesachaya
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Gosh Zun, how awful that it is not a nice fit for everybody. I know you have been working so hard to help this school and even offering up your own backyard so that they have a nice play area for the children. Obviously all my teaching experience is from within the private sector so I don't have any advice on this issue for you. However, I do think it's odd that they have waited until the end of the semester to speak with you about this. If there was a problem (i.e. the chance that they might want to hold him back) they should have spoken with you a while ago so that a tutor could have been brought in earlier. I'm sure your little guy is smart - just based on folks I've met with his genes - he's gotta be one smart cookie! Good luck with this. Keep advocating for your son Mama.
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zuncompany
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rikal, I think every parent with a boy is getting this to an extent. All but one of us have been told our kids have "issues." Some justified (hey, I will not ever say Zu is perfect and doesn't have issues to work on) and most is nitpicking on the boys. I have witness situations while picking up Zu and later heard parents whose kids totally didn't have a part in the situation were told their kid was the issue. Some of it is politics. Nobody wants to tell their boss their kid is an issue. One parent of a boy is just taking out all their kids. Another they just turn try to ignore commentary but the mom calls me very upset cause she doesn't feel this is okay. The rest are upset but not willing to do anything because they don't want to be "that" parent. Since before channuka I have kept my mouth shut. I don't argue, question, anything. I don't need my frustration and disagreement taken out on him. I do what they tell me. I have offered to help because I keep being told us parents don't do enough and the admin is overdone but I get turned away. Something we ALL need is a school cal and handbook. We need consistent rules. One parent picks up in a snood daily, no comments to them. I pick up (in the pouring rain mind you and I am walking from my back door, across a parking lot, and am there and I am read the riot act. I did not get a parent teacher conference when they did them. I got very sick. I had a m/c that afternoon. I was in the bathroom very sick, I called them and told them I am very sick I need to reschedule. I even told them I was in the middle of a m/c. I try over and over to reschedule. I am told they can only do it in the middle of the day, my husband has to be there, and I can't bring the kids. I asked if they have suggestions for a sitter cause its next to impossible to find around here in the middle of a work/school day. My husband just could not take off work. He had MAJOR deadlines looming and was working 60 plus hour weeks than. My husband was the only tatty they would not have the conference without. I finally convinced them Dh could not make it and I told them tell me when and where and I will make it work. For 6 weeks they kept changing the time and place on me not giving me a straight answer. They refused to even show me his progress report (though others who couldn't make it were giving it in their kid's backpack that friday). There seems to be one set of rules with some parents, another with others, and I get a whole different set. I will work with it, I kept things in big time the last couple of months, smiled and no fighting. I don't want to be that parent.

This all started because again, no schedule so we are sprung with an email that our kids are having an end of the year thing that parents are to be at and no other kids. When? In the middle of the day. As well, I have window installers coming than because I didn't know my kid had this that day. I wouldn't have scheduled the windows than if I had known!! Heck, even 2 weeks ago I could have rescheduled. I called yesterday and I would have to wait 2 months (going to the back of the Que.) and we can't afford to! I emailed saying I would love to be there but between the kids and the windows its impossible (they asked for rsvps). I got read the riot act. And of course they want to know why we aren't giving meiser to the chabad house because they think since dh has a decent job we have money. They mentioned that since we could afford the playset and windows we could have donated. Um, the swingset was a gift from their grandparents... our part of the gift was the labor of putting it together. The windows we have to thank GW Bush for cause of the stimulus package money. We are investing it into the house because we can't afford the $800 a month of an oil bill anymore! Where we give our meiser really is not their business though.

I am just frustrated and I am working hard to not go bananas. I am keeping my mouth SHUT here. I will go into the meeting, breath, and smile and nod. I don't know what else to do. When I told her I felt their expectations were not consistent with most other schools nor the way they are presenting it she told me to bring proof. I will smile, breath, show her, and hopefully she will listen for once but I am not going to push it. We are the only ones she is saying the end of the year conference SHE must run. She has basically banned the teacher from talking to me (we used to discuss Zu weekly so we were all on the same page and things were going well). I know the other parents had their "conference" over the phone with the teacher already. I am not sure what to do about Zu because he was labeled a problem before he ever went to school there and they refuse to give him another chance. His teacher did and had gotten close with him. She is pretty blunt with me and I appreciate it. When you are told though by the people in charge things will be so much easier wth Tev cause he is such a good kid and so smart its upsetting and its been said mult. times. I wish they would just admit- they have a personality issue with Zu and move on. He is 5 for heck sake. He is a good boy when given the chance.
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zuncompany
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My bad- I apparently DID say something recently. There was a bathroom incident which I will not go into but it left Zu very upset. I called and requested that they make sure Zu is in the bathroom with no other kids when he goes because of it which apparently I have heard through the rumor mill asking for to much.

(btw- the only incident I have really been outspoken about was to do with my backyard. See, my homeowners insurance wasn't going to cover if something happened. We wanted to let them use the yard but we needed to make sure we were covered. A few friends who are lawyers told us to get proof their insurance would cover the yard and that every parent should sign a permission slip saying they give permission for the kids to be in the yard and that they acknowledge whatever happens while the school is on our property is the schools responsibility and we will not be held accountable. This was out conditions on them using the yard. By the first day they still had not done this. I had to push it. I was trying to be the good parent and let them use it despite the fact that the offer they made us was a joke and ridicules because I know how good for the kids to play outside. However, I also had to make sure i wasn't going to get sued. When I took Zu out during that time they made a small stink but I kept my mouth shut. I was calm and cool about it. I keep my frustration elsewhere.)
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rikal
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Unlike the others, I do have much experience on the Chabad system and how it works. There are a few schools here that are experiencing similar issues and I know the reasons. It is late I will try to pm (dh is already maariv and his dinner is not ready).
I was that parent, often.

Chabad schools are kehilla schools, they are intricately tied to everything - shul, Anash, nashei - that is part of the community and they do deserve the community's support. We do not have another alternative so we have to make this work.That does not mean blank checks. You have a right to question but you have to have the ammo, from our perspective. Sources from the Rebbeim and so on. I know it is harder in a community that is on their own and think life has changed but if so then it becomes "There was no judge in Israel and every man did as was right in his eyes". Just take a look at what meforshim have to say about that. A school which has an excuse why they don't listen to the Rebbe in my eyes is not a Chabad school.

To just stir up is negative energy, which is never productive. I would even ask the teacher directly to sit with her to clear up issues. Take notes and try to get her maybe to write a summary and xerox a copy for each of you. I would insist on a meeting with the principal, teacher and anyone from your family that you choose to send. I do think it is a good idea for your dh to be there even if work has to suffer some, kids are more important. The job has to get it that Tatty also has responsibilities. It probably won't take more than an hour. A man is usually harder to roughshod.

From your description I would guess that the staff is all young or there is in hanhala someone who is older who know longer has koach to cope with the challenges and is awaiting retirement. I have gone into schools to "make seder" but usually brought by the hanhala who have either totally lost the parents or the parents have totally devastated the staff, both happens. Everyone has to know their job and place. The place of hanhala is to facilitate an environment where teachers can educate and students can be educated.
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npl
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Sara, your son's right to privacy in the bathroom is not negotiable, shouldn't be an issue (it's not like they are potty training the whole class together).
Don't let your right to advocate for your son be used as an excuse here.
But, having been in a situation where my child was labelled as being a social problem, because they didn't have all the facts straight, he is now assumed to be acting unprovoked, etc. I have written letters clarifying the situation, because if anything is going on his file it better be supported by his side of the story.
What I've decided to do when the school hasn't given my kids a fair chance, and haven't got the skills or open-mindedness or initiative to create a safe and nurturing environment for them, is pull them out. And it was relatively easy for me, because there is a good alternative (although it took time for me to get over my hang-ups about sending there, and really do my research to decide it will probably be a better environment for them). The way I see it is that there will be social issues in both schools, but the new school has a better track record of pro-actively and effectively dealing with behaviour and social issues. I had quite a few misgivings about the new school, and only time will tell if I made the right decision. I'm being totally upfront with you about this, because I know it is a major decision. And sending outside of Lubavitch is probably an even bigger consideration for you than my decision of sending to dati tzioni or yeshivish. Once I got a more in-depth picture of both schools, though (from being in one and talking to parents of all different types about the other) I found my initial impressions about both were wrong.
Hugs, I wish I could help you in a more concrete way. My instinct says run, and my rational side says it's not that easy for you.
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npl
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In reply to Rikal's last post, which I only saw after I posted mine.
If there is a way of working this out, so that you can stay in the community school, and a part of everything that goes on, and the school is improved because of it, that would be ideal.
It sounds like other parents have the confidence in you to tell you about their experiences. I wonder if a well-organised, respectful and well-researched presentation by a group of parents could help to make the changes you all agree need to happen.
I'n definitely not suggesting you go and rabble-rouse, or try to arm-twist the administration. I think that isn't kavod, and is counter-productive. But, if many of you feel the same about the same issues, and you have a way to communicate those feelings as a group, then it might be more effective than trying to tackle them individually. I'm not suggesting you try to get the administration's back up, and I'm not sure how you would do this (especially because I don't know your community).
Just an idea that I thought I'd contribute to the discussion. And if I'm way off base, maybe it will trigger another idea for a solution?
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zuncompany
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npl- this is definitely happening and starting to with people who have way more power than me. I am just lowly anash without a big checkbook;) Some parents are perfectly happy and their kid is doing great. Its more the boys parents who are not happy. The bathroom incident the teacher 100% handled, it was looked into, and everything is fine (its others who think I am asking for to much). The teacher is an amazing amazing girl and I can not say anything but wonderful things about her. She is not the issue. Her I go to with a problem and things are handled asap. but she also doesn't have to deal with politics :) If it was up to me Shemtov would take over the school and bring someone in officially for this. I don't know what the story is because I am not a shaliach and am left out of a lot of discussions.

Rikal, I would love any and all insight from you.
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Bas Melech
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queen
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On the other side, grouping and coming to the hanhala is sometimes seen as an open decleration of war, no matter how good your intentions are. I know this from personal experience and now I just keep out of things. But if there is any injustice, I make sure that they know that I am not all honky-dory about it.
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zuncompany
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I know and thats why people have been apprehensive!
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U Tarzan Me Jane
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wow. I am so impressed with the way you are handling this. I would have blown a gasket is I had to put up with 1/2 of what you are dealing with.
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zuncompany
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I have privately. There is one shaliach who we are close with and he has been helping us as they listen to him when he comes with concerns. He has some respect in the community and the yichus.
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