Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Would you tell?; DH's grandmother
Topic Started: Jul 31 2008, 08:51 AM (406 Views)
ICan
Member Avatar
Where am I?
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
DH's grandmother passed away during surgery yesterday in England. DH will be flying to London this afternoon to be with his family until Sunday. DS who is almost 4 last saw her during Pesach, and then probably a year before that. Should I tell him that she passed away and that is why DH is going to London? Or not bother telling him, since even though he might remember seeing her once she wasn't a big part of his life and he will not realise if I don't tell him anything.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
sauls_mom
Bala Buste
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
i think it depends on your family and your child.
for me- i would tell him. it would explain dh's mood (and yours probably) and would explain this unexpected trip. i also dont believe death is something that children should be shielded from- and that it can be explained in an age appropriate manner
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
sauls_mom
Bala Buste
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
i am also very sorry for your loss
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Chavelamomela
Member Avatar
aishes chayil
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Sorry for your loss. I think it's important for little children to be told, so they can be given an opportunity to grieve. As a 4yo, ds's response may be something like "I'm so sad...can I have a candy" or "That's sad not to see grandma ever again...let's go play outside" - don't be surprised if little children respond in a sensitive, though quick manner, and then move on (until the topic comes up again).

Also, I am sure that when your dh comes back from England, you can prep ds with "Abba is very sad because his bubby died and he misses her very much. He could really use a hug for comfort"

I think that's important to give our children healthy experiences about death and grief and teach them how to cope in a healthy manner and develop tools for comfort.

And if ds is really sensitive, you can suggest some sort of project to help memorialize his grandmother - maybe the two of you could put together a small scrapbook of pictures of his Bubby so he can remember he by.

HTH.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
U Tarzan Me Jane
Member Avatar
Rebbetzin
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I would tell him, I just don't know how. bighug
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
realeez
Member Avatar
Brain Freeze
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Chavelamomela
Jul 31 2008, 09:03 AM
Also, I am sure that when your dh comes back from England, you can prep ds with "Abba is very sad because his bubby died and he misses her very much. He could really use a hug for comfort"
That's a really good idea.

:hugs
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JRKmommy
Member Avatar
Bala Buste
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I told my then-4 yr old dd when dh's grandmother in Israel died. She only met her as a 6 mo old baby, but likes to look at pictures of Nana holding her and hear stories about her.

My kids were also very aware of what was happening with my bubby last winter and spring, and we told them right away what happened. They were almost 4, 5 1/2 and 8 1/2. They had visited her in the nursing home and knew who she was, but they didn't have the sort of memory of her that I did because they never really knew her before the Alzheimers' when she was well. So I echo what Chavela said - kids can get the info, but not seem particularly sad if it was someone that they didn't know very well.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ICan
Member Avatar
Where am I?
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
I told ds, he asked a few questions and then moved on. I'm pleased I told him though because he is very perceptive, and now he knows why things are hectic at home, even though he probably doesn't understand.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
hallie_ari_mom
Member Avatar
Rebbetzin
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know the answer. I'm interested though in what everyone else is saying.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Bas Melech
Member Avatar
queen
[ *  *  *  * ]
I'm sorry for your loss.

Explaining things is always better because kids have fine tuned antennas but may not always understand.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
npl
Bala Buste
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I'm sorry for your loss. I've had to tell my kids about their great-grandparents. First was a ggm they remembered quite well who died soon after we moved away from living quite near her. The other was their ggf who they only met a few times, but the older two remembered him.
Be prepared for some follow-up questios. I found it helped them to have a simple concept of bodies and souls and the soul in shamayim with H' and the body not needed any more (helped explain why they remembered their ggparents as very frail, and also to distinguish between old people dying and the fear of me or dh or younger people dying). My oldest wanted to daven, and make a picture to remember the good times (but she was nearly 6yo)
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Zeesachaya
Member Avatar
Rebbetzin
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to tell him and that it was helpful for him.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ICan
Member Avatar
Where am I?
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Hmm... Now I'm second guessing the decision to tell him. Before bedtime he had lots and lots of questions, 'is grandma going to die again' 'is savta going to die' 'is zeida going to fix it?' The questions aren't what really bothers me (though they aren't easy to answer :) ) but I am concerned that he will be speaking to my in-laws for example and say something like 'are you going to die, savta?' (or worse) or some other potentially uncomfortable/painful comment. He is very liable to do that. I'm just not sure I should have brought it up when he just vaguely remembers her.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Jo :-)
Member Avatar
queen
[ *  *  *  * ]
I know it is awkward (btdt not that long ago) but I still think it was the right thing to do, despite the questions- and we had plenty... and potentially uncomfortable moments.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
sauls_mom
Bala Buste
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
he is trying to internalize what you said and how it impacts him daily. its tough to see them struggle with understanding- but i agree that what you did was for the best
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · Pre-schoolers · Next Topic »
Add Reply