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| getting it in their head | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 26 2009, 09:16 PM (752 Views) | |
| zuncompany | Jan 26 2009, 09:16 PM Post #1 |
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SO, despite all the hard work we have put into making it a successful year for Tev, its become very apparent that his teacher has a different set of rules for him than other. He is allowed to get away with things she would never allow with anyone else. He HATEs this. He sees it plain as day and complains up the wazzo. There is no expectations for him to learn anything because well... he has allergies and asthma. I have talked to the principle who has tried. I have talked with the main teacher who makes excuses. I am told time after time it will stop but it doesn't. Its to the point where he HATES it and has started wetting his bed if I mention cheder. It has also created a behavioral issue at home- "well my morah lets me!" Me, Um, I am not your morah and I am not scared that setting rules will make you react or give you an asthma attack. I am not scared of temper tantrums cause you didn't get your way cause it might make you react or have an asthma attack. Rules are rules in this house! I have a call into the school counselor cause at 4 years old- I don't want to push school which is creating an environment where he hates being there. He loves the social interaction but he hates being treated different. Try reasoning with a 4 year old that just cause Morah lets doesn't mean you should do! LOL I am hoping the counselor will be able to talk with them and get them straight and on a better track. He is a smart kid and picks up everything I am teaching Zu at home... there is no reason he shouldn't be getting it at cheder. The only reason is because he is not expected to learn anything! Until the counselor gets things moving I am not forcing him to go. Any suggestions once things have been settled on the school end to convince Tev to give them another shot? |
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| mummy | Jan 26 2009, 10:33 PM Post #2 |
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aishes chayil
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Would he want you to give him another shot at something after he's misbehaved? Thats how I convince my kids. Everybody gets it wrong sometimes, if the school does its part and gets things sorted, then it would be good of him to give them another chance. My kids seem to go for this and when they do it, you have the bonus of being able to praise them and they feel really good about themselves. |
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| ElTam | Jan 27 2009, 10:06 PM Post #3 |
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queen
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What does the Morah herself say (not the head teacher)? Maybe she honestly thinks she'll cause him to have asthma if he gets upset. |
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| Jo :-) | Jan 28 2009, 09:10 AM Post #4 |
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queen
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Tough situation - I sympathise...we had lots of issues with DS1s school last year and ended up having to move him...and B'H he is doing so much better, there is no comparison. I wish you luck Sara. It is very hard to get through to teachers who refuse to listen! |
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| zuncompany | Jan 28 2009, 10:15 AM Post #5 |
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The assistant is her own story- love her but while she denies she is scared of him, though its clear as day. The main morah says okay, and that she will stop but a week later is back to the same old. Dh had a long talk with him last night and he told dh the kids don't want him there. That they tell him to go because they want to have fun. I have heard a LOT of complaints from parents about their kids missing out on stuff cause of Tev. Thing is, all the things held back I did not ask for nor do I want going on!!! I have given them safe solutions as well as honestly offering on those days to keep him home. They however still blame us but don't follow what we suggested. I am sure the other kids feel like they are missing out. UGH! Waiting for the counselor to call back cause I think at this point she needs to step in. Marion- I have explained a million times to the teacher, letting him have a temper tantrum and saying no to him will not cause him to have an asthma attack unless he causes it himself and honestly, he should never be allowed not to follow the rules cause he will cause himself an asthma attack! Its setting up some major behavioral issues we have never seen before in him because I just have no pity- rules are rules in our house. Edited by zuncompany, Jan 28 2009, 10:15 AM.
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| U Tarzan Me Jane | Jan 28 2009, 11:31 AM Post #6 |
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Rebbetzin
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why is it that the kids know that they are not doing things because of him? What is going on in that classroom that is giving over that message? my son is in kindergarden, I doubt that he could figure out that they are not doing something because of one specific child, unless he was being told "we cant make peanut butter play dough because so and so is allergic." (peanuts are banned anyway) It seems to me that if the other 4 year olds are noticing something different, its because of the teachers. |
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| zuncompany | Jan 28 2009, 11:43 AM Post #7 |
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Right! So when the kids complain that they don't have xyz but their sibs got to the teachers say, because Tev is allergic. When parents call and complain about xyz they are told, cause tev is allergic. I keep talking to them about this and they don't get the harm they are doing!! This is why I called the counselor. |
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| lilac7 | Jan 28 2009, 12:05 PM Post #8 |
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queen
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In my son's school they dont' allow parents to bring any food (like cake) for kids birthdays from home because some kids are allergic, but nobody knows which specific kids are allergic, and for sure other kids don't know |
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| npl | Jan 28 2009, 12:20 PM Post #9 |
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Bala Buste
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My ds, who was on a restricted diet and was given special food, treats, etc, did not know that other kids in the class had allergies. That's the way it should be. It's confidential medical information that should not be shared. Even at age 4, my ds was in control of how much he let his peers know about his medical condition. |
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| U Tarzan Me Jane | Jan 28 2009, 01:33 PM Post #10 |
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Rebbetzin
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I'm going to go out on a limb here, But your kids school is extremely negligent. They are freely giving out your child's medical information as an excuse. If my sons teacher was doing this, he would no longer be in the school. Setting a child up for being disliked is really bad(especially if you are teaching them to be intolerant because someone has a medical issue). And these teachers seem incredibly irresponsible. I can't really think of many activities that would be a problem for allergies beyond baking, and even that can easily be done without eggs. 4 year olds do not know what their sibs did in kindergarten, so they are not asking why THEY are not doing it unless someone (a teacher perhaps) is telling them they are missing out. |
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| zuncompany | Jan 28 2009, 01:50 PM Post #11 |
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Actually we have been recommended by psychologists who deal specifically with kids with food allergies NOT to keep quiet at all. We have not asked for foods to be banned from the classroom because we do not believe its a healthy way to deal with it- Tev needs to learn to be in the real world and foods are not banned from the real world. This I have no issue with. Its things like, Shabbos party where I have no issue with keeping him a special stash of Shabbos party treats and the kids get something else but the teacher and principle are nervous to serve Shabbos treats he might be allergic to so instead of saying, well, we are nervous and haven't bothered to find out what fun treats they can give them instead they give the animal crackers that I send JUST for Tev (issue in itself) for Shabbos party. When the kids complain about not having fun treats they say, well Tev is allergic. OR they get a special party for the mitzvah jar being filled up and the reason why they can't have a fun party treats like the other kid's- well, Tev can't have. Even though I have told them over and over again what he CAN have and have offered if they give me the money to pick it up myself. They once decided to do an ice cream party... well, Tev can't have cause of nut and egg issues. Fine, I will bring an alternative for him. They decide instead to wait to do it until he leaves for the day (so now he doesn't get to be a part of it at all even though he helped fill the mitzvah jar) but when the kid's complain about not having the party yet that day, they say well you have to wait cause Tev is allergic. Ironically they do pizza parties for the other classes and Tev is FINE with the pizza from the pizza shop! But no, for some reason his class can't have one instead of the ice cream?? I got a lot of complaints that night- why did you stop the ice cream party from happening? I didn't! I actually did NOT ask for a nut ban in the school. Someone else did for their child (this family HAS kept it a secret that their kid's have FAs and have run into many many problems). However, when parents complained they get sent to me for ideas of alternatives so they assume I asked for it. I have become VERY vocal about my feelings against banning food items from this school. Heck, if I was going to ask for a ban it would be eggs and fish!! Nuts are the last of my worries! Studies show that by keeping quiet that your kid is the allergy kid it a) doesn't make it real to people (aka they don't take it as seriously) and b) your kid actually could be in more danger (cause people are not aware). Kids who are out about it their peers are more likely to be accepting (unless of course the teacher sits there blaming the kid for anything in the class not being fun enough!) as well as the kid is actually safer. Kids who grow up with their friend's knowing and understanding, those friends end up being a security wall naturally and protect the child. They don't let the kid take risks and when others come into the group they become protective and explain to the new kids so they will also become understanding. The world is not going to ban foods or revolve around him, but having friends who know to wipe their hands before shaking his hand or handing him and item, or when teens go out to eat the FA teen isn't pressured into eating because their friends know and understand. Overall, studies have shown to be out in the open in general IS healthier for all involved. Besides we are talking about a school with 15ish families here... who doesn't know in this community my kid's don't have a mile long list of allergies!? LOL Tev npl WANTs his friends to know because he feels safer. He LOVES that they happily wash their hands when they come to school. It makes him feel good when he used to walk into Zu's class and a kid would yell out, Tev don't come in, someone is eating egg! He loves when his friends tell him they made sure their mommy's called his mommy so he can be a part of their birthday (the parents always make sure to call and always make sure its safe and still fun!!). None of the parents are sitting and telling their kids what they can't do because of Tev... thats the school. The parents have been wonderful with their kids and remind the kids what they can do with Tev and what Tev CAN have (though, they complain to me their kids don't get xyz because of Tev and why can't I give the school alternatives! Um, hello... complain to the school cause I am!!!). |
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| zuncompany | Jan 28 2009, 02:00 PM Post #12 |
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The K class is in the classroom next door. The majority of kids in Tev's class have sibs in that class like him (though zu is not there now). They are WELL aware of what their sibs are doing.
exactly- they are using him as an excuse. Like I said, everyone knows we are the allergy family but the school is NOT working with us. They are saying, well its easier just to say nobody can have even though thats NOT what we want or have asked for. Than they make it like it is. Right now, he isn't in the school until something is fixed! Its not cool!
yes, this is why I am bringing in the school counselor. The TEACHERS need some training. What makes me sad. I know the teacher is a POFAK.
depends... Tev can't sit and make noodle necklaces if the noodles are not safe (he has reacted!). I gave them the names of all the noodles thats safe for him... they decided to just not do anything involving noodles- even the noodle table (they were using noodles instead of water/sand. Chalk and some paints are issues... I gave alternatives. Baking can't be done at all cause their cooking source is WAY contaminated (they were cooking something safe for him in it- he reacted to just the baking... no eating). However, I have offered to bake things here (we are behind the school) or just send stuff home unbaked. I have offered to make the challah dough at no cost to them and after one week they said it was inconvenient. Something about the kids not liking the water challah (UTMJ its your recipe so they are on crack or something cause its an awesome recipe!!). I could care less if they warn me ahead of time if they have non-safe food items so I can make sure he has safe alternatives!!! They are using him as an excuse plain and simple not to do certain things. |
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| npl | Jan 28 2009, 02:42 PM Post #13 |
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Bala Buste
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Zun, my ds was also very open with his friends - it was very obvious from day 1, because they were eating crackers, cookies, etc and he was eating rice cakes or apples. But, whilst he was great at explaining to his friends that he can't eat what they had, or that they need to wash hands after they eat at our house, I did not discuss how to adapt activities for him at the classroom door. I did that over the phone with the teacher, or after everyone else had collected their kids. I made sure the teachers knew that all food-based activities were fine for the other kids, and that they just had to let me know so I could provide a safe alternative for him. I davka went in on Purim to do the cupcake decorating, bringing all his own safe ingredients, so the teachers didn't have to worry about the kids getting things x-contaminated (and ended up helping all the kids at his table). The point is, whilst the kid should feel empowered to explain his needs to his peers, and to protect himself from getting sick (not eating unsafe food, etc) they should not be put in a position like you describe, where he is the scapegoat because of ignorance. We only had a couple of incidents over the 3 years, where there was a problem. Once, when he went apple picking, he wouldn't eat the apple straight from the tree, because it wasn't washed and I hadn't told him it was safe (I always re-washed fruit for him, in case of x-contamination). I wasn't there and he handled the situation himself at age (just)4. Once, the teacher made hamentashen with them, using their hands, without consulting me first, and didn't tell him they weren't safe to eat. He assumed they were safe, but B"H they did not eat them in class. That was the only time I made a public fuss, because I was scared that the teacher wasn't caring enough to keep him safe. And in G1, he was given candy with dairy in it, but he knew that if it wasn't something he recognized, he shouldn't eat it without showing it to me. At age 6, when he was going to a summer camp that served snacks and lunch each day, he had enough experience to be able to manage himself, explain it to his counselors and friends (although I gave detailed instructions to the head of the camp). He even came home one day with the box from the crackers, because the counselor wanted to be sure they were safe. He had 3 years of school experience to get to the stage where he could manage this (we hadn't sent him to this camp the year before because he wasn't ready to handle it yet). From my experience (and I know it's different for us) it seems like Tev is developing a healthy sense of his needs, and how to handle them sensibly. As for working with the school - I'm sure you already did all the basic stuff, like making sure there are clear lists of what foods are safe (including specific brand names) and that these lists are posted prominently in appropriate places (where the snack foods are stored, eg). I feel for you - let us know if there are any developments you want to advice about! Final thought - does the school need to follow the laws about equal access? If so, you probably have a legal case for getting them to comply, and explaining that may be required just to get them to understand the seriousness of the situation. Sometimes, understanding that something is illegal makes it important enough for the person to take it seriously. |
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| zuncompany | Jan 28 2009, 03:07 PM Post #14 |
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NPL- not a single convo was at the classroom door. All private. Parents were sent a letter from me saying if you have any questions please feel free to call so that they feel comfortable asking questions. MANY have so they can include him in things like birthday parties. As well, I knew the kids would have questions for their parents at home because I know people who have had the kid's with FA kids in the class like Tev and this way if the parent didn't know the answer, they could get it. I gave them packets and packets worth of things to empower them in the classroom and issues like this not come up. IN FACT, I spoke to them before school about NOT making him into a scapegoat at a teacher inservice. They have been spoken to many times. This is why I am bringing the school counselor into it. No, they could just tell us simply he can't come. Legally they don't even have to accept him into the school. They don't get federal funding so they aren't covered under the laws. Heck, most schools around here private wouldn't even take him! The day school would not have even made an effort to make the classroom safe for him to come. |
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| U Tarzan Me Jane | Jan 28 2009, 05:35 PM Post #15 |
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Rebbetzin
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Kids know the difference between water challah and egg challah? :wow The school is cracked. Kids know cookie and no cookie. not, only cookie with eggs are yummy. Quite honestly, I am all for letting people know a kid has allergies, but I am also not for singling the kid out for it. And blaming everything on a 4 year old with no control is stupid beyond words. Did it occur to you that they may be trying to force you out so they won't have to deal with the issue like adults? |
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9:15 AM Jul 11