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Seeing regular kids...
Topic Started: Jun 25 2009, 12:09 AM (470 Views)
miriam19
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queen
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So Im not sure if this post even belongs here but since my son is technically in this age bracket I guess it does. Anyway, as you guys know, he is 4.5 y.o., is autistic, and while he's making nice progress in school, he is far, far behind versus kids his age on everything: social development, motor skills, obviously speech... the list goes on and on. Now, he is my "only' so on a day-to-day basis, I sort of don't really think much about it, he is all I know. However it is getting increasingly harder for me to go out and see other people with kids his age who are normal. I look at those kids, who are speaking, doing all those things, are completely potty trained (we're somewhere half way...) - and it's like a different world. Like something so amazing. A kid who speaks in sentences and actually plays with others and even asking questions and stuff like that.. It's hard to explain, but I always feel like I'm just watching some surreal show, like wow so THIS is what it is to have a 4-year old...

The problem is, lately I literally feel like totally melting down every time I see a regular kid. Before it was more like curiosity and now I see someone with a kid my son's age who is normal and I just feel like I want to cry, right away. So I try to sort of leave. Aside for all other things, I went through divorce this year and so now a single mom and in case anyone wonders I very much doubt I'd have any other kids. Which is another issue - even those few parents who do have autistic kids have at least one normal kid. My son is great - he is very affectionate, his autism is somewhere on a moderate spectrum so he does communicate at least a bit- but it is mostly labeling - he'd tell me what he sees or requests what he wants from me. But if I ask what you did in school, or anything initiating conversation he just doesnt say a word. So I have no idea what he thinks, what he feels, what's going on in preschool, nothing. Again I totally love him and enjoy spending time with him - the problem is when I see other, normal kids.. I just feel like falling apart. Even on TV. So I dont really know, should I get myself more exposed to normal kids so it wouldnt affect me as much or should i actually try to avoid - not that u can, really, sometimes total strangers in the store make me feel like melt down. I guess this is more of a vent, but I feel very strange lately. And I dont want my feelings to affect my son, so that's a worry too...
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Zeesachaya
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Rebbetzin
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Miriam,
First of all - I want to thank you for feeling comfortable enough to post your feelings on the forum. It's important for you to have a place to vent and I know how it feels to just want to get it out there, but you can't always do it with your close friends or family.

Second of all - my heart goes out to you on your divorce this year. I've been divorced for three years now and I know that the first year was THE hardest for me because it was such an adjustment from the life I knew before. Every year I get stronger and I pray that you will too.

Finally, I don't know what to tell you with regard to your emotions being so strong when you see children who are not autistic. I just want you to know that I read your vent and I hear your struggles. This must be something that a lot of parents go through when they have a child with special needs.

Unfortunately, so many of our experiences in life are gauged by how we feel about others and what they are going through. If you could experience life with your son in a vacuum then these instances of emotional pain wouldn't occur but of course we have to deal with other people every day. I understand why you would sometimes want to just leave the others and be alone with your son so that you didn't have to feel this emotional pain. Of course you love your son (as you posted) but nonetheless, it is hard to deal with the struggles of raising a child after a divorce and it sounds like right now is not such an easy time.

Strength to you my Jewish sister and be well.

-ZC
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mummy
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aishes chayil
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Miriam, I think how you are feeling is perfectly normal. You want the very best for your son, you want him to achieve, to thrive and to make friends and so on. It hurts to see your kids struggle, it hurts to think that they could somehow achieve more/be more. You have to reset your goals and dreams for your child.

I am in the process of having my son tested for auditory processing problems and also autism. He has some major language problems and a few little social issues. I so hope its 'just' auditory processing. I have an older DD and a younger DD as well. My older DD is gifted. It kills me to see my little boy struggling with things she does easily. Whats worse is when his little sister is able to do things he struggles with. I see how it shakes his confidence and that breaks my heart. I dont envy other people for having 'regular' kids, but I do sometimes want to stomp up and down and throw an almighty tantrum sometimes because I cant 'fix' everything for my son, and I cant save him from this.

Big Hugs!!
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zuncompany
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Administrator
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Miriam, hugs!!!!!

Wow, you have a lot on your plate.

I know its not the same thing, but I hear the same kind of feelings with a lot of food allergic parents. I felt that way for a long time until Denver. What helped me in Denver? Education for me was power. Knowing everything I could do to help them and make things any better took away a lot of the powerless feeling I had. The second thing was talking to someone. I sat down with someone daily there and worked through a lot of my feelings. I don't see someone here because I feel in control and good but if I got to that point again, I would seek it out.

Zusil has a lot of educational special needs and honestly, I have considered speaking to someone about dealing with this cause I am almost at the point of breaking just trying to fight to get him the help he needs on top of the stigma in the frum community. At the Cheder meeting monday honestly I blew up at a parent cause they were whining about how could a family not know if they could commit or not- its simple, your sending or not (we didn't know if the school would be opening until last week btw for next year). Um, its NOT simple!!!! I don't know STILL if Cheder will be able to provide an educational environment thats healthy for him. I am PISSED that we are being pushed by the principle not to give him a Lubavitch education just because he has learning disabilities and she keeps trying to push us to not acceptable places despite mult. Ravs saying she is wrong on this to us. And than I have Freida who is very advanced and can do most of Zu's school work. Her speech is way more advanced than him and she is 3 years younger. It breaks my heart when I see how frustrated he gets when she shouts out the answers to his work before he can get through the question. Tev is so kind hearted B"H to Zu and really makes a point of not making Zu feel like he is behind him. So, I can honestly tell you, having one with educational special needs/behavioral issues and than others without... it doesn't make it easier. I am sorry to say so. It almost is a constant reminder of how much harder it is for Zu.

PLEASE get a hold of friendship circle (through Chabad). They run so many amazing programs. We actually were approached Monday by the head shaliach here for it and he is such a help navigating things already. It was like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders. As well, they do mother's night out for the moms, they send you a HSer who will give you an hour off and just be your children's friend, group settings for the kids (playgroups for the younger ones), hebrew school, etc...
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4hope
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Bala Buste
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miriam, i don't know what it's like, and i won't pretend i do. we all have our share of issues to deal with, they are incomparable generally.
my heart goes out to you. there is not much i can do for you, except wish you strength and wisdom, but also to wish you to find a support group or something like that. people who know what you are going thru, to recognize your struggles, and to be able to provide you with real advise, real and relevant advise.
your son is blessed with you as his mother, as i believe also you are blessed with him!
sending you hugs!
and yes, by all means, use this place as a venting place:)!
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npl
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Are you part of a support group? I joined a couple of online support groups when my boys were sick, and it was so helpful - not just for practical stuff like diagnostics, management, etc, but also for emotional support.
I know it's tough - btdt with all the judgment calls that everyone and their aunt felt they had to give me so I could miraculously cure my kids and stop depriving them of a normal childhood and creating emotional problems in them because of my mismanagement (yes, people with no exposure to the disease were sure that I was doing more harm than good by not feeding them food that could kill them, but not one of them was there to hold the screaming toddler or change the third acid diarrhea diaper of the hour that burned their backside, or stayed up all night nursing them to soothe the pain). The support groups helped me to see the positives in my kids, beyond the disease. There are many positives to your ds, and seeing him with typically developing kids is painful (when all other kids were eating candy and treats, and my kid was eating a rice cake, that was so painful to me, though the kids were fine with it) but other people in your position can help you keep your perspective, especially as you are parenting alone.
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ElTam
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queen
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Miriam, first of all, huge hugs to you. You are dealing with a LOT. I guess my only advice is to give yourself permission to feel the way you feel. I think a lot of times we do ourselves so much damage trying to say, "Oh, I shouldn't feel bad about this thing or that thing." But you do feel bad. And feeling it makes it easier to move through, in my experience.

Divorce is every bit as traumatic as death, and to be dealing with your feeling about and challenges with your son on top of that is a lot to ask of one person. May HaShem grant you much strength.
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bnm
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queen
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I'm on the other side of the coin. My cousin has twins who are dealing with more than just preemie issues-#2 has major muscle stiffness and is developmentally delayed due to prom. they are 1.5 years old and my almost 7 month old who is very advanced is passing #2 in various milestones. it hurts me to watch him struggle and I know it bothers my cousin too but I can't avoid seeing her cuz we are neighbors.
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Marion
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aishes chayil
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You are not alone. Along with many others I also struggle with this. I was thinking about your post yesterday on my way home and had the horrifying thought that this is EXACTLY my problem with my 2 kids. My oldest is speech delayed...his 20 month old brother has the same vocabulary and almost clearer enunciation skills. And I get so much pleasure out of the younger one, but dealing with the elder is always a chore. It's a problem because it DOES affect each of them...they see how each is treated, who gets how much patience, who is expected to be independent (age appropriately) and who gets more "spoiled".
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4hope
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Bala Buste
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beautiful post, eitam
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Reverse Karma
aishes chayil
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I used to have that too, with my not-too-frum kids. I went to therapy - anger management and homeopathyu/energy healing. It helps a lot.
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miriam19
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queen
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Thank you everyone for such kind responses. You guys are the best. Zun, thank you for your perspective. Of course when you're on a different side of it, you do wish you had one kid without an issue just to see how it is to raise a regular kid.. but I see your point about being in pain for the one that's behind...

I do have one support group online that I visit, I tried one in real life and just left in the middle of it - I coudl not handle it. Most parents there had much older children and the way they were describing their problems I was sort of omg... that's what in store for me? When my son is teen? I couldn't handle it.

Yeah it is hard to feel that way because I'm not a jelaous person by nature at all. And I also dont want my son to get any vibes, although I don't think he does - if he read emotions he woudln't be autistic...

In any case, I take it day at a time. My son is really sweet and actually communicates in his own way, but again when I see the difference that's when it hits... Hopefully I'll figure it out.
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mummy
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aishes chayil
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IYH you will find the right way to deal with everything for you. We all have our own ways for dealing with life's curve balls. All the best.
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