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| Closeted Or Repressed Behaviors; As Requested | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 6 2008, 04:01 PM (5,043 Views) | |
| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 07:27 AM Post #31 |
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So, when the back and forth games start happening (i.e., we're friends/we aren't friends) what do you do? If she is the one who suspends contact, is it up to her to contact you? With a guy, I would wait forever and if he didn't call... meh.... no biggie. With her, it is different. I really fear being rejected or hurt further by her, yet I don't know if she is afraid to call or what. She's the one in denial this time around, not me! I know exactly what I want ;P and that freaked her out. She wanted to play high school games of flirting and retreating and truthfully, it just got to be too frustrating so I pushed it and BOOM, I'm out. Shit. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 07:41 AM Post #32 |
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I try not to stare. I can't stop my gaze. I try to be discrete and make it quick and not obvious. Men crack me up because they really lack tact when they do it. I make an effort not to be like that. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 07:45 AM Post #33 |
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i am too lazy for blog
:) in addition to... i am a bitch too enough myself she contacted me after not answering on my call but i denialed i was too angry. and i often denial calls or events.
how do you know? maybe she just afraid much |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 07:48 AM Post #34 |
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I just wanted you to stop hijacking this thread with your inane drivel. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 07:49 AM Post #35 |
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Heh..She just afraid much ... that is exactly what I think the problem is! But why be such a bitch to me?? I don't want to ruin her life, I want to make it happier! But I acted the same way when I first realized what the deal was between us. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 07:51 AM Post #36 |
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Maybe you bore her to death. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 08:11 AM Post #37 |
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alarm! idiot/troll here |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 08:13 AM Post #38 |
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remember that people are different if you are ready for something - it doesn't mean she is the same. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 08:53 AM Post #39 |
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When I was 14, I had a close friend whom I pushed away for what seemed like no reason. All of a sudden everything about her annoyed me -- her clothes, her other friends, her problems and especially her new boyfriend, who was a lot older and smoked pot in his car all lunch hour. She was growing apart from me and I was too unaware to understand how traumatic this was and exactly why. After we stopped talking, I broke down about it to another friend of mine and asked her to help me write her a letter. She did but joked and told me "it sounds like you're in love with her." That rang through my head for days. Walking home by myself, it hit me as clear as the sky over my head. I was in completely infatuated and she had had to go. I became very detached from any sexual feelings. Since I caught on to being gay, I learned to hide the signs. I made very shallow friendships after that and took on a perpetual air of disdain ala Daria Morgenderfer. Guess I was kind of a cunt. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 12:53 PM Post #40 |
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I always hear about how tactless men are when checking out and drooling over women but I seem to perve way more than most of them. I have to turn my head and look over any semi attractive woman that passes my eye, none of my male friends or colleagues seem to do this, when I look around I'm usually the only one who is doing it |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 12:59 PM Post #41 |
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I've never been closeted and can't relate to any of you. Guess I'm lucky to have grown up in a progressive environment, but I really don't understand how anyone old enough to live on their own would live a lie on purpose. Totally weird. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 01:53 PM Post #42 |
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Well that's cool (and I mean that in a non-sarcastic way) to hear from people who never felt the need to. As to why people do - lots of reasons. Probably some to do with fear, of external (people/society) and internal (struggling to accept yourself) things, of actual things (ie safety issues) and imagined things. Habit/change, also tied in there with fear I guess - like the snowballing effect where the lie seems much bigger than you after a while, someone wouldn't even necessarily have to have started that process off, it could just grow from the whole heteronormative assumptions thing. Mmm, what else? Access of information. Isolation. That's all I can think of at the moment. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 04:42 PM Post #43 |
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Let me try and explain it to you. First are you femme or not so. Because as sad as it may be a straight women has more priveledge than a lesbian. There is a part of the person that doesn't want to loose that priveledge they have. Or feel rejected when once was excepted. If you were out from day one perhaps you don't know what others fear of losing. The second point is when growing up for me, I didn't understand what it all meant. I wasn't really that aware that I didn't fit the norm. But I played sports. When a girl is a pre-teen and a tomboy there is still a stigma to it. (I did not grow up in the 50's and the teasing still goes on today. The difference today and 20 years ago, is there is enough support out there for kids today that they can say so what, I can be gay.) Someone suggesting you are a lesbian or dyke and you are kid aims directly at your self-esteem. You are heading towards adolencents and you're already a mess. Your boobs aren't big enough, you hate your hair and now there's a suggestion that you aren't femine enough and that guys aren't attracted to you. It's seems to be a negative, rejection word, being called different. You will drop your sports and for many femme it up a lot in highschool so no one can critize you like that again. Being called gay as a man (to the mainstream) means you are neat, in shape, can dance and like cultured things. For a woman it means you are either fat, unattractive to men or you lack feminity. |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 04:58 PM Post #44 |
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When coworkers ask which star I find hot, I'll say: Brad Pitt! |
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| Guest | Oct 7 2008, 10:59 PM Post #45 |
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haha, yes I use that one too. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 12:53 AM Post #46 |
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I'm beginning to think this is many a young lesbian's story. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 02:18 AM Post #47 |
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What do you ladies think about this? I work with a woman who gives off The Vibe. She's 40, has never been married (although she was in a long-term relationship with a guy) and always talks about how "sexy" this or that male celebrity is or how attracted she is to some random man. She's also one of those people who always seems to be able to work a gay reference into any conversation. Like, oh, she was out with her girl (space) friends the other night and lo and behold they accidentally ended up in a lesbian bar! And this isn't the first time this has happened, ha ha! Or she'll name-drop a really obscure lesbian celebrity into a discussion about movies or t.v. (I mean, how many people can throw Cherry Jones and Jane Lynch into the same conversation?) I'm pretty sure she knows I'm a lesbian, although I'm not positive. She's made several comments about my body, and by "comments about my body," I mean she told me I should be a stripper. (Which was flattering, but really. Who says that?) Overall, she pays a startling amount of attention to me, including mentioning that she thinks about me when this 20-year-old girl she knows who "comes over to watch movies sometimes" laughs, because we have the same "cute giggle." (It should be noted that I'm 22 and she compares me to this girl quite often. Where did this girl come from? How did they meet? Still unclear, although she's definitely not a relative. Also, I'm not a giggler, so she's lying.) She's twice asked me to go see "Jersey Boys" with her, she says I smell nice, she loves my handwriting, and the list goes on. My girlfriend hasn't been shy about noting how over the top her compliments are, so it isn't as if these comments should just fall out of her mouth. She really seems to be flirting. But: she also talks like Sarah Palin's prayer group when she and another coworker discuss The Gay. As in, "Oh, I just wish they would keep it to themselves" and, "I'm not one to judge, but I don't approve of it!" Add to that her "These colors don't run" bumper sticker and her disdain for The Daily Show and you can see why A) I don't want her talking about my tits anymore and B) I'm confused. "A" can be solved with a quick call to human resources, but they can't solve "B." So ... do you think this is the behavior of a terribly repressed lesbian or just a distasteful person? |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 02:36 AM Post #48 |
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She could be bi-curious, but my guess is that she is trying to show how liberal she is through her nice gay comments ... and without saying directly to you that she supports you, she is hinting at it. Now, she could be repressed ... and like many repressed people, they tend to act hypocritical when confronted with the subject of their repression. If you truly want to find out, the next time she flirts with you, ask her if she is hitting on you. She'll either recoil in horror and never do it again, or she'll ask you out. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 03:03 AM Post #49 |
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^^is she hot? If she's old and unattractive it sounds creepy, and you can file for sexual harassment |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 03:36 AM Post #50 |
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I'd say she's an average-looking woman. I'm not interested in filing for sexual harassment because I don't feel threatened by it. However, I will say it feels a bit creepy, if only because she seems to have this Jekyll and Hyde personality. On the one hand, she compliments a woman's body and remembers how her hair smells. On the other hand, she finds gays weird and has a fuck-yes-America! bumper sticker. What's odd is how she handles these two personalities. In front of me, you'd never know she'd ever uttered a homophobic comment. In front of other coworkers (who then pass the information along to me), she is a complete social conservative. I'm inclined to believe she leans more to the right because of her bumper sticker. That doesn't eliminate the chance that she is flirting with me, but it does add an interesting layer to it. I think the other commenter may have been right about her trying to seem liberal in front of me, but I'm not sure why she'd want to, unless she had something to prove. Either way, it's odd. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 05:20 AM Post #51 |
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I am okay reading her stuff. Right here. I always find the bad english amusing. So girl who have warm clothes your house... what country are you in and what's your first language? Just curious! |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 05:21 AM Post #52 |
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^^ Are you particularly hot? Maybe she's just an older woman who appreciates your youth and beauty and is trying to bridge her conservative (homophobic) gap with you by offering compliments. She might genuinely like you as a person and think you're cute, but she probably doesn't want to go down on you. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 05:38 AM Post #53 |
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I'd generally agree with the people who are saying she's just a crazy old fundie, but the Cherry Jones and Jane Lynch thing is throwing me off. I mean, I love Jane Lynch, but she's relatively obscure. And Cherry Jones? I don't even know what she does, just that she's a lesbo. It sounds to me like a certain closeted Log Cabin Republican has been reading Best Lesbian Week Ever. I mean, Cherry Jones? Really? |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 05:53 AM Post #54 |
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No, I wouldn't say I'm hot. I have a pretty good body, and I might say I'm cute, but it's a "pixie girl with glasses" cute, not a "classic beauty whom even the straightest of women would find attractive" cute. But as you and another poster have pointed out, she could just be trying to assure me of her liberal leanings. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 05:58 AM Post #55 |
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When I was in high school and even junior high, I used to get these crushes on girls that, at the time, I didn't know was a crush. I actually thought all girls felt like I did. In high school, I started writing poetry for my friends but it was always intense, almost love poetry. I would give them the poems because I wanted them to hug me. There was one girl I was in love with but I didn't know I was "in love." I remember one night she held my hand before a football game while the band prayed before going out to perform. (I was in marching band). She would also do weird crush like behaviors. She once gave me a walkman and told me to listen to a song on the bus ride home because it reminded her of me. We had this weird, falling out about nothing but looking back, I think she might have figure out before I did that I was gay and she was freaked out. I think she's married now. I did date a guy once for about 8 months but it just never felt right to me. We tried to have sex but we weren't real successful and the whole thing just felt wrong. He broke up with me and now I'm friends with his gay brother and he told his brother he wasn't surprised at all that I'm gay now. I never really felt shame about being gay probably because I didn't really think I was. I didn't even really have sexual feelings for either sex for a long time. In my very early 20's I fell in love with a girl that I worked with and there was all this sexual tension going on between us and so, one day, I started making out with a male co worker. I think I was just a confused mess and he was willing. I stopped the makeout session and was pretty grossed out by it. Then about a month later, I actually got up the nerve to kiss the girl I was in love with. I did go through a bit of the "oh, I'm not gay. I'm just in love with her" phase. But then, looking back at my life I actually had to laugh when I realized that yes, I was so very very gay. I just had a moment where suddenly everything clicked. I'm out to everyone now. I openly talk about my girlfriend if coworkers ask what I did over the weekend. They all know. I'm really proud of my lesbianism and I've been told that I'm not obviously gay. I have had moments where stupid kids or people will call me a dyke in passing or in rare altercations and I always come back with, "Yes I am. You say that like it's a bad thing" because honestly, I don't see it as such. The insults can only hurt if you believe there is something negative about what they are calling you. The few women I do know that I suspect are gay or closeted all have one thing in common: anger. For those of you still closeted, you're really not fooling anyone and it's really nothing to be ashamed of anymore. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 06:02 AM Post #56 |
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Yes, that's what always stands out to me, too. Jane Lynch is famous enough that anyone who's seen a Christopher Guest movie or "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" can mention her. But the only reason I know of Cherry Jones is because I spent a few miserable years of my life studying dramaturgy, of all things, and Cherry Jones is a great stage actress. She's done some films and t.v., but not enough to be part of everyday conversation. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 06:24 AM Post #57 |
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No way. With all you've shared, she's definitely gay. I'm thinking not even bi, but full-on lesbian. That doesn't mean she hasn't been with men. She could be deeply in the closet or in denial. She could easily be playing a role at work for self-preservation. Remember, the older someone is, the more intolerance we've experienced in life. I pretended to be a Christian at one job, because I knew it would cost me my job to admit or be openly atheist. And in fact, when it became known, I was indeed fired for innocuous reasons. I feel sorry for your 40yo, but yes, I think you should confront her head-on. I would say... it's terribly flattering how often you hit on me, but I'm in a committed relationship. She may go into horror and insist that she never meant to hit on you. Just calmly smile and say, Okay, no prob, that's just how it came across. Her own paranoia about it should cause her to chill out a bit with the come-ons. But you need to realize you're probably dealing with someone with quite a lot of unprocessed emotions. It would be super cool of you to hold a lot of compassion for her after this. You could trigger something in her and she could react in a number of ways. Remember she's just dealing with her demons and you confronting her in a calm, non-threatening manner actually helps her get to the next step in her life. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 06:59 AM Post #58 |
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^Thanks. That sounds like solid advice. If she is gay (and I suspect she is), I think you're absolutely right about her having to deal with a lot of emotions she'd rather not have to deal with. As much as I dislike her, I do feel bad for her, especially after reading your response. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 07:11 AM Post #59 |
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I have to admit, coming from the place of compassion, and trying to understand why a person is the way they are, has helped me numerous times to stop hating them. Once I get their perspective (or try to put myself in their shoes), it makes all the difference, and then I understand they can't help it. This said, you do not have to put up with the things she says. It's good to have compasion for someone while also having boundaries about what you allow. Both can be done simultaneously, with a little effort. |
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| Guest | Oct 8 2008, 08:01 AM Post #60 |
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Thanks for your responses. It's, honestly, been something that's always been very confusing to me. And sad. But mostly confusing. I guess in addition to growing up with fairly liberal friends and family for the most part I, also, have never really given a damn what anyone thought about me. Certainly, there are things about myself I take pride in and want to do well and be appreciated for, but I never felt a need or even a real desire to be considered "normal". I guess I'd be considered mostly androgynous leaning towards femme; I don't really fit the tomboy criteria in looks or behavior. My energy is stereotypically masculine most of the time, I dress androgynously and I'm fine boned and sort of delicate looking. Some people find me attractive, some don't, I don't care, I don't define myself nor do I validate my self-worth as a human being by my fuckability as determined by some magazine editor's criteria nor some antiquated notion of "femininity". I may never fully get how someone could torture themselves year after year by attempting to deny their sexuality to themselves and the rest of the planet, but I do appreciate the insight into some of the conditions and thought processes that might be going on behind that. And I hope that those of you who are closeted, choose to come out sooner rather than later. There are certainly situations which could make it risky, but I feel really sad that so many people are excising such a fundamental and fulfilling angle of themselves. You really may be surprised at how little people care that you're gay once you come out and how accepting they may actually be. And your sex lives are certainly going to improve. |
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