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| Serious dating question | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 8 2013, 01:05 PM (1,075 Views) | |
| Alice Lawless | Jun 8 2013, 01:05 PM Post #1 |
N64 collection completed 7/29/12
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First off, hey everybody, I'm still alive. Second, forgive me if this question offends anybody. So I'm 21 and I have a pretty sweet job that makes some sick pay. I met a girl who's 24 and makes above minimum wage but way below what she should be making because she's an assistant manager at Sonic (for eight years). This chick isn't in the career field and I guess that scares me because of this next part coming up. So I've got a date with this girl coming up, and I just found out that she has two kids. What do! I have a feeling she might want me just for the financial stability because let's be honest, I may be a decent looking dude but I'm a stick. I'm Stik Ross for fricks sake. I'm afraid of telling this girl that it won't work because of kids because that's not my reason for wanting to cancel the date and stop talking. I'm afraid she might have something up her sleeve for one thing, and I really don't think I can financially support four people, myself included. I already know I'm not mature enough for all of what I might be getting myself into if I keep seeing her. So my question is, what would you do if you met some chick with two kids who's trying to jump into a relationship ASAP? For those of you who have no idea what this is like, it feels like continuing on somebody else's saved game. I mean no offense by this question, but it's been bothering me because she didn't tell me up front until a while after we've been talking. If it was one kid below he age of two, then that's be fine. But two kids, probably old enough to walk and talk? That freaks me out. I'm thinking of maybe being brutally honest during the date. Not about her, but about myself. Maybe that'll make her start looking elsewhere. |
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| YogurtStorm | Jun 8 2013, 01:31 PM Post #2 |
Your mom is a nice lady
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I like the ''continuing some else's saved game'' analogy... Thats a hard one though. If you're having this dilemma, try to figure out why... Do you really like that girl? If you're asking us here and seemingly in deep thought already ahead into the future, you obviously must like her enough (and, I assume, KNOW her enough) that you're even considering a future with her, right? Or have you just met, and it's still fresh? If it's the latter, don't worry about those things right now. Get to know her, take her out and take your jolly time to read her intentions. You'll be able to tell if it's all an act if you play it nice, cool and slow. If she really is just trying to get to you for the money, she'll want to always be quick on the trigger to advance to ''the next level'', if you know what I mean. Just take it real slow, don't rush into any sudden decisions you may regret. Because, likewise, she may have two kids and an unideal job, but maybe she really is a good person in there and legitimately likes you! Just be careful on your end too my friend. |
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| bluedogrulez | Jun 8 2013, 02:02 PM Post #3 |
Racing for Fulcon Capital
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That continuing some else's saves game line is CLASSIC!! Assuming this girl is an absolute peach, you gotta ask yourself if you really want a serious relationship at this point in your life. Maybe you do (and that's fine), but seems to me casual might be a good option for a while. Thing is, I'm pretty sure a mother of two is not looking for casual. What's that line from Jerry Maguire, "Single mothers don't "date." They have been to the circus, you know what I'm saying? They have been to the puppet show and they have seen the strings." |
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| Alice Lawless | Jun 8 2013, 02:25 PM Post #4 |
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N64 collection completed 7/29/12
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I didn't want to ask anyone I know personally because its pretty hard to talk about. But I can tell you guys this much: I don't want a future with her. A permanent one I mean. I want to find a way to politely tell her it's not in my best interest without being too much of a d-bag about it. I want to bring up student loans and house hunting and all that stuff maybe something about my past relationship might show her I'm not ready for a large commitment with someone I'm not IN LOVE with. On the flip side, maybe she's hoping for that to happen to get half my ****, I dunno. If we understood women 100%, I'm pretty sure our brains would an hero. Anywho I appreciate the comments. It's just difficult convincing myself to either let her down or keep leading her on. If anyone knows a good way to "break up" with someone and not upset them, please let me know. |
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| DeeMoney | Jun 8 2013, 05:26 PM Post #5 |
Outback Adventurer
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I think the safest thing for you mate, would be too cut her away. Everything you said about what she might be up to rings alarm bells. If you don't want to get into a relationship then this doesn't sound like the girl for you. Although in saying that, it's totally your call, but because of recent events a relationship might not be the best avenue for you right now. Your 21 mate, go out and enjoy yourself before you get tied down in another relationship. |
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| TNT737373 | Jun 8 2013, 11:26 PM Post #6 |
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This an extremely stressful and uncomfortable environment you'll be putting yourself in Alice. There will be tension around the kids and overbearing feeling of guilt in dating her without supporting her, even though there shouldn't be. Honestly most men don't encounter a scenario like this until they're in their 30's+. Even though I'm a year younger than you man, there's no way I could handle the weight of a relationship like this for at least another decade. So many obstacles I'd feel like I'm drowning, even if she was my dream girl I'd have to cut her loose because kids aren't my strong suite. Raising another man's children brings up many complex issues in the long run. Just like Dee said, you have to enjoy your 20's as much as possible, these are the prime years of a man's life. Settle now and there'll be a large amount of pent up energy later on. Comedian Bill Burr says that when you're about to step into a serious relationship to ask yourself: "Could this be the mother of my children?"Can I wake up to this woman everyday?" Edited by TNT737373, Jun 8 2013, 11:27 PM.
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| Alice Lawless | Jun 9 2013, 02:08 PM Post #7 |
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N64 collection completed 7/29/12
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That's how I felt about the ex. But nah, I think you all are right. I find it easier to ask you guys questions like this on here because most of you have experienced more in this world than I have, and plus it's easier to ask a personal question when you don't have to look face to face with someone when you ask it. I appreciate the responses. I'm going to tell her that I'd still like to support her emotionally, but I can't be the person she expects me to be because it'll end up being a disaster for both of us. We were supposed to go out on a formal date tonight but due to heavy rain we cancelled it for later in the week. |
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| clarky_n64 | Jun 11 2013, 01:45 AM Post #8 |
Modding Monster
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I think in your own mind you already knew that you weren't keen on getting into a relationship with this woman after finding out about her kids which is good as you are quite clear on what you do and don't want. However just look at it as a bit of fun. You never know, you could just be reading the signs wrong and all she actually wants is a bit of fun. Which is perfect for a 21 yr old  How I envy you 
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| action | Jun 25 2013, 07:05 AM Post #9 |
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Senior Member
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i've been there and bought the t-shirt. i even had a relationship with a woman for a whole year, she had a three year old son. she lived on a minimum social wage, while i earn money for two. i feel like i wasted a year of my life. the constant doubt wether she likes me as a person or for my money. the feeling of bringing up someone else's child, a child that may look for their real father after you invested all your love and energy in them. so what i'm trying to say is: ditch the girl, in very clear terms. otherwise it will keep on and on and before you know you're stringed. being polite cost me a year of my life. end it, NOW  better stick with a nice looking girl (no model!), a "boring" but solid relationship (bright stars dont last very long, white dwarfs do), not much hassle, no children, no debts, both of you having stable income. no drama, just two people knowing very well where they want to head to. the rest will come naturally. |
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| Alice Lawless | Jun 25 2013, 07:20 AM Post #10 |
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N64 collection completed 7/29/12
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I ended up doing what you'd expect me to do and said I don't know if I'm ready for this, but opted to remain friends. She agreed but I haven't heard from her since. Looks like I may have avoided a catastrophe. |
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| DeeMoney | Jun 25 2013, 04:07 PM Post #11 |
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Outback Adventurer
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Awesome, maybe she's on the hunt now for someone else. Crisis averted. 
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Nintendo Network ID - DeeMoney19 PSN Network ID - hallxx81xx Xbox Live Gamertag - DeeMoney 2K19 | |
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| justinwebb | Jun 25 2013, 06:10 PM Post #12 |
Senior Member
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Dodged a bullet on this one |
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| Alice Lawless | Jul 8 2013, 06:34 PM Post #13 |
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N64 collection completed 7/29/12
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Ugh.... I don't know why I'm even going to talk about this, but I might as well just tell you guys. So I started seeing this girl last week. July 2nd was our first date. She has a kid (go figure), a one year old daughter. Real cute and all that. So anyway, to keep this story short, last night was the last night I'll ever see her again. About 3pm she said she was going to travel about an hour out to Boiling Springs and said she'd be back by 7pm. Well I found out today via facebook that she packed all her things and moved there. She didn't directly tell me, but I found out through the caption on the picture of her and her daughter on a boat where it said, "just moved into our new home." I dunno man, I spent about $200 on food alone for this chick and took care of her kid. I guess you could say I dodged another bullet by it being only a week and only $200, but still, what the frick is wrong with women these days? This one, Kimberly, turned out to be a gold digger, and I suspected this right from the start. I'll spare the details, but I discussed this with one of my friends right after meeting her. I told her yesterday that I wouldn't be able to let her move in just yet and that I've exceeded my budget for the week so I'll have to keep spending to a minimum. That was the last I saw her. Before that I spent about $75 on stupid crap and $200 on food. Last night and all of today she wouldn't answer my texts or return my calls. Well, until I got this one: "sorry, moving n stuff" To be fair, I was planning on leaving her anyway, but the fact that she left me before I could leave her is what upsets me, and I don't know why it does. In fact, I should be happy that she did the dirty work for me and didn't have to make myself look like the bad guy. Take note gentlemen, chicks equal trouble. |
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| Nuno | Jul 9 2013, 03:44 AM Post #14 |
Veteran
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My feeling is that you seem to engage on these things too much too fast. My suggestion is: start taking things slower. You only met this girl for a week. How did you spend so much so fast? You should start by chatting, taking her out to dinner, get to know her better, giving it some time and only then figure if she's right for you. But.. what do I know about relationships myself... |
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| Alice Lawless | Jul 9 2013, 06:50 AM Post #15 |
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N64 collection completed 7/29/12
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Going out to eat adds ups fast. I had to pay for her, her kid, and myself. Took her out to Lu ch and dinner several times. We saw each other every day for a week and went out to eat almost all of those days. I just want to find a girl I can trust but every one of them is after something. I want a companion, they want money and material possessions. This was t the first time something like this happened :/ |
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| buddy1983 | Jul 9 2013, 07:00 AM Post #16 |
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Firstly you dont have to pay for everything, if she's is interested in spending time with you she will be happy to buy the food/crap sometimes. Secondly the best peice of advice I can give is stop looking for a girl, the more you look and the harder you try the more likely you are to find the wrong type. Spend time on your own, with friends and the right one will come along, trust me I know. Be happy with yourself and when the times right your find the right girl.
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| Nadim9067 | Jul 11 2013, 04:18 AM Post #17 |
Trigger Happy
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Mate, just be honest about it. When it comes to relationships, the more hard questions you put off to the side (such as financial stability like your saying) just leaves room for problems to build up later. If she wants to get into a serious relationship then you need to explain to her straight away your situation, let her explain her side of things - and make sure it's in detail because if something doesn't sound right then pick up on it and ask her, don't give her the chance to take an inch because she will take a mile - and i'm not saying this against females or whatever, people are naturally like this. Explain that you can't support four people financially, there is no other way to go about it. If you tell her straight up then you will get the honest response and if she makes elaborate excuses or stories to make it sound like ''it may work'' then she's not worth it. If she takes the time to think about it to compensate for the situation that it will put you both in then I would give her a chance. If she mentions money alot then keep your wallet hidden. Play it slow with progress, hit hard with the questions and put her on the spot. |
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| Alice Lawless | Jul 11 2013, 08:17 AM Post #18 |
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N64 collection completed 7/29/12
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The girl in the first post (Stephanie) completely disappeared after I told her straight up that I wasn't ready but opted to be friends. Haven't heard from her since. The girl a few posts up (Kimberly) is another issue. We went out for a week (July 2nd through July 7th) and is gone now. She's the one I spent a load of money on by taking her out to eat severl times a day, ever day (we saw each other for all six days we were together). She tried moving in and I said I wasn't ready for that. I had a feeling she was using me the whole time and I was right. When I mentioned that I exceeded my budget, I didn't see her the next day. I found out on Facebook that she moved an hour away and is now living with another guy. But get this: on Monday I got a phone call at six in the morning, she said that he kicked her out (third guy who did this since I've known her. I'll upload a picture of the note that the first guy left her) and she had no place to stay. I told her I had to go to work and that I got off in 12 hours from the time of the call. I also said, "thanks for letting me know you were leaving. It was really nice of you to up and leave and move in with another guy and then come crawling back to me when it doesn't work." Half an hour later I got a text that said she was going to explain every later. I haven't heard from her. On Facebook she kept uploading some pictures and statuses and junk, and the location tag says she's still living there. Am I the only one here who's a Crazy Magnet? I seem to attract trouble women all the time. I'm at work right now but I'll upload the letter later since it explains why she keeps getting kicked out of places she lives. She doesn't pay rent so I assume she gets to live there for free in exchange for sex. That's probably what happened with me come to think of it. She has no home, no job, and her ant infested car belongs to her ex-husband, who has reported it stolen. She tried bumming money off me by saying she needs $330 to fix three of the four ignition coils. She then said that the light no longer comes on for it and it seems to be working now but could fail at any time. Sounds like a coverup for no evidence. I looked up on Google some if the things women will say or do when they're trying to scam a guy for money, it all checked out. She mentioned other guys who are providing money for her but said I was the one she wanted to be with (she must say this to all of them), her schedule for someone with no job seems to be really busy because she's always cutting plans short to travel out of town to "see family" but she said she has no family in SC. I showed her nothing to be attracted to since we have very different tastes on music, movies, hobbies, activities, morals, politics, everything- yet she [pretended to be] interested. Every time she called me up was when she wanted to go out to eat or needed something. I caught on from the start and made sure not to give her too much. Well I ended up spending most of that week's paycheck on her, but at least it was six days and not six months or something. Ya know, this is the kind of thing that makes me realize that if I can't have the ex, I would much rather stay single. Two women, both with kids, both ended up being money grubbers. Next chick I meet I'm telling her I'm unemployed and she'll have to pay for dinner. Or better yet, next chick I date who's after money, I'm going to take her to a five star expensive restaurant, order a huge meal, excuse myself to use the bathroom, then hop in my car and leave her with the bill. That's kind of like what they're doing to me anyway. |
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| Phantom | Jul 11 2013, 08:37 AM Post #19 |
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Hey, Ive been reading all your posts here and id like to help with advice, but with the advice i usually give people you will probably end up much worse so i just wanna say that i hope you can get all this sorted out And yes do a runner at a 5 star restaurant!
Edited by Phantom, Jul 11 2013, 08:42 AM.
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| NintendoLuke99 | Jul 11 2013, 09:10 AM Post #20 |
Nintendo 64 Teen Enthusiast
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Well,My Personal Advice(and i am not a expert of dating),is take a break,relax for a while,and the perfect girl will come.(my oldest bro had to learn this,and after waiting for about 5-6 months,he got the perfect girl and there still dating) |
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| justinwebb | Jul 11 2013, 09:16 AM Post #21 |
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I would try to find classier girls, not saying you are dating hookers or anything, but looking for the more independent, educated girls tend to have better standing and mindset in life. They are harder to find and are normally snatched up faster then conkers bad fur day on ebay for 20 bucks but if you look you will find them.
Edited by justinwebb, Jul 11 2013, 09:17 AM.
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| Nuno | Jul 11 2013, 09:57 AM Post #22 |
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"I would try to find classier girls, not saying you are dating hookers or anything, but looking for the more independent, educated girls tend to have better standing and mindset in life." Although this comment also made me laugh at first I do agree with it. We don't mean for you to change your "taste", whatever kind of person makes you happy that's the kind of person you should look for and end up with. And "single mom" is not a synonym for gold digger, nothing like that. But if you're starting to see a pattern there than Justin does have a good point. Well, saying you're unemployed and that she has to pay is also an interesting approach  That'd sure sent the bad ones away and you'll laugh about it latter with the right one.
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| mjwatts26 | Jul 12 2013, 08:29 PM Post #23 |
Senior Member
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I'd stick with Sonic girl. Or be single. It seems like you're concerned about the financial aspect and the girl with the kids would be much more challenging to support than Sonic girl. I don't see a problem with her not being career oriented so long as she makes enough to support herself and lives comfortably. |
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| Nadim9067 | Jul 17 2013, 12:15 AM Post #24 |
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Trigger Happy
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Hahaha Ahhh women....how the economy has hit them hard. |
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| StYoung | Jul 22 2013, 04:15 PM Post #25 |
Elite
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You're 21. Go out to bars and grab girls butts and stuff. Have some one-night stands, have some month or two flings, experience different girls and find out what you like. Don't think long term as soon as you meet someone. And don't be so down on yourself. |
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| Alice Lawless | Jul 23 2013, 09:54 AM Post #26 |
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N64 collection completed 7/29/12
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Went on a date with this other chick named Colleen on Sunday (seriously, I'll tell you guys how I'm meeting so many people so rapidly. It's a combination of mutual friends on Facebook, OkCupid, talking to waitresses on my lunch break at work, talking to girls at local shows, talking to people when I'm out buying stuff I don't need, meeting friends-of-friends at social gatherings, and bringing my guitar with me when I go places. Chicks dig the guitar). This one was going soooo well until we started to get "close". Halfway through she accuses me of thinking of someone else, got up, and tried to leave. I convinced her to stay but that was after she bummed $20 off me for gas. That, plus renting a motel room makes me wonder if I went out on a date with a prostitute... I'm still not sure. Anywho, I've gone out with several different women this month and only one of them ended positively, but I don't see us becoming anything more than just friends (she has a great personality but I find her face a little offensive. I'm not one to judge on looks, but there's no physical attraction. Not that that's my top priority, but there has to at least be SOMETHING there). I guess I can turn this topic into "Stik's Not-So-Sick Dates". I don't have any first dates for this coming week because I'm going to Myrtle Beach on Thursday, but I've been going one date a week prior to this (four dates total). So far here's what's happened: Stephanie: 1 date - potential gold digger, has two kids and hasn't contacted me after I said I'm not ready for that responsibility. Probably just looking for a sugar daddy Larissa: 1 date - no looks but great personality. Able to hold conversation and has some similar interests. Very fun person but better off staying friends. Kimberly: 6 dates - turned out to be a B with an itch. Used me for money, transportation, food, and a home. She has no house, no job, and her car belongs to her ex-husband (which he reported the car as stolen). Car has an ant infestation due to dirty diapers and old Chinese take-out under the seats. She's not very clean at all. Has one kid and is looking for someone to support her. Has nothing common and conversation is like pulling teeth. She also supports the Boston Bomber and I'm pretty sure she has an STD or two (plus one if you consider children to be a Sexually Transmitted Disease) Colleen: 1 date - very clingy, jumping to the conclusion that we're going to get married, lots in common (same taste in music, favorite console is N64, loves GoldenEye). Turned out to be coocoo for coco puffs. Got really awkward after sex and turned into a different person after accusing me of thinking about my ex. She started texting other guys and stuck around only because I said I'd give her $10 for gas (she took $20). She stopped looking at me when we talked and said she'd still call and text me but I haven't heard from her since (she used to text me good morning every day and kept calling me after work). Apparently she thinks I would take back my ex if she asked me to be with her again. She said that's what she's afraid of and I said that couldn't happen after everything that happened a few months ago. She doesn't believe me and probably has no intentions of seeing me again because I'm "still hung up over her" That's what I'm at so far. I was texting this other girl, Samantha, but stopped because I thought things were going well with Colleen. I guess I could go for it and see if I can find another way for a date to end poorly. |
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