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| a short play by cray; warning: it's filthy! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 9 2006, 07:58 PM (200 Views) | |
| Metal _Mister_Crayola | May 9 2006, 07:58 PM Post #1 |
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I am Mister Pat (Patrica) Crayola
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THE ADVENTURES OF MERCURY MAN (Barf Bag sits on a chair. Enter Mercury Man. He sits on a chair, next to Barf Bag.) Mercury Man: Why did you call me over? I was watching Canadian Ice Skating on Channel 109. Barf Bag: Sorry, fuck face. Mercury Man: That’s okay, my friend. My pleasure! Barf Bag: I was wondering…would you clean the remainders of my E. coli from the toilet? Mercury Man: With my mouth? Barf Bag: Your tongue, not including the lips. Mercury Man: Okay. Barf Bag: Dude, you should be excited to ingest my loose feces. They even have blood in them. Mercury Man: Okay. Barf Bag: Dude its powerful shit! Mercury Man: You do stink, I’ll give you that. Barf Bag: Look at my ass. Mercury Man: Holy sheets! That's quite a stain, it looks like sloppy Joes. Barf Bag: It’s hideous. Mercury Man: I wasn’t going to say anything. Barf Bag: Let’s go. Mercury Man: Wait, you’re serious. You want me to drink your diarrhea and vomit? Barf Bag: That’s why I called you. Mercury Man: You’re sick. Barf Bag: I know, I still have a fever. Mercury Man: You are filthier than a douche. Barf Bag: Yes. Yes I am. Mercury Man: My mom’s douche. Barf Bag: You bastard! Your mom is hideous. Mercury Man: I know. Hey! Barf Bag: Come to my john. Mercury Man: I don’t even go into my mom’s john. Barf Bag: It’s hardly the same! I’m your friend. Mercury Man: Yes but your feces are disgusting! I can’t afford to get sick! I’m still getting over pneumonia. Flea Boy made me suck on his phlegm. Barf Bag: Suck my sperm! Mercury Man: In your wet dreams! Barf Bag: Swim in my toilet of infectious water. Mercury Man: No, ladies first! Barf Bag: I think there is a cockroach in my ass. Mercury Man: You know you love me, why don’t you come out and say it? Barf Bag: I’d rather kiss a toilet seat. Mercury Man: Kiss my ass. Barf Bag: You’re gay. Mercury Man: You’re a working-class white trash bum! Barf Bag: Yeah. Okay, see you in school tomorrow? Mercury Man: Alright, later man. (Exit Mercury Man. Barf Bag picks his nose. Curtain.) |
| cray: 100, aliens: 0 | |
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| elvisLivesBITCHsoSUCKIT | May 9 2006, 08:25 PM Post #2 |
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i crapped a button
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why does mercury man's mom have a douche...... |
| i carry night. under my arms. | |
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| Math | May 10 2006, 01:15 AM Post #3 |
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high literary genius, of course ted, get with that douchegram |
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eastcoast153 (10:25:43 PM): hey man do you know how to glow mushrooms? im in class eastcoast153 (10:25:55 PM): *grow | |
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| Melvin | May 10 2006, 05:29 PM Post #4 |
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Sophisticated Poster
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no genius in phlegm, legm/f some involved |
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| Metal _Mister_Crayola | May 10 2006, 07:51 PM Post #5 |
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I am Mister Pat (Patrica) Crayola
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if you liked then here's some more of that MERCURY MAN! (Enter Mercury Man. There are six students sitting in six of nine chairs in class.The teacher is teaching...) Mercury Man: Hi, sorry I'm late, teach. Mr. Sishivankamad: You late, very late, Henry George. You come to school every day at 2:00, all this week! Mercury Man: Hey, five minutes of school is better than no school, right? Mr. Sishivankamad: You such complicated child, Henry George. You think you can just come when you feel like come? Mercury Man: Dude its public education, give me a break. And don't call me Henry George. I am Mercury Man. Mr. Sishivankamad: Okay, whatever, I do not know what do with you American children, anymore. Mercury Man: (waves) 'Sup Barf Bag! Barf Bag: (cheers) It's H.G., the Mercury Man. Spread the love! Move over, Asian! God damn it, you guys everywhere these days! Hey, Mercury Man, saved you a seat. Asian Boy: (Barf Bag pushes Asian Boy, whom falls on the ground. he shouts) You poosha, gooda! I report you to Buddha! To Siddharta Guatma! Chang! Chang Lang! (Asian Boy runs outside crying) Mercury Man: (sitting down between Barf Bag and Rosey) Shut up, Camel Toes. Rosey: Camel Toes? Barf Bag: It means Pussy! Mercury Man: Hey, Rosey. Barf Bag: You know that skinny bitch? Mercury Man: Oh, that's Rosey, Barf Bag. She's nice. Barf Bag: Of course she is. (He burps). So where the fuck were you? Mercury Man: I was on a secret spy mission. Barf Bag: Really. Mercury Man: (laughing) No, I actually faked sick til my parents left and then I ordered horny movies on pay-per-view. Barf Bag: You lucky bastard. Rosey: You know, Henry, you're so cool, why do you hang out with this regular jackass? Barf Bag: You clit-lovin' dyke, my mom says I'm only a jackass 1/3 of the time! Mercury Man: Your mom is full of a lot of bull. Barf Bag: Dude, what up with that? At least my dad ain't livin' in a motel because he doesn't want to have to feel awkward everytime he sees your mom's ugly piss flappers! Mercury Man: i'm going to cut off your meat puppet! (hits Barf Bag just above the penis with a pencil.) Barf Bag: (raises hand) Hey, teach? May I go vomit excessively in the bathroom? Mr. Sishivankamad: Since you ask so nicely. Barf Bag: Yea. Thanks a lot, Gandhi. (Barf Bag runs out of classroom with his hand on his mouth) Rosey: (to Mercury Man) You bastard! You're terrible! You're really hot!!! (bell rings, students exit.) Mercury Man: My parents have a very nice bedroom that overlooks 14th street, where all the hookers get picked up! They won't be home for three hours. Do you want to come? Rosey: You don't even need to ask! Let's go. (Rosey and Mercury Man cross to door. Mr. Sishivankamad stops Mercury Man) Mr. Sishivankamad: Henry George, you can go have irresponsible premarital sex that is unlike back in India when you make-up your quiz. Mercury Man: Look, out the window, an elephant! Mr. Sishivankamad: Where? (Mr. Sishivankamad jumps out window, and Rosey and Mercury Man exit, with Mercury Man with his arm around her shoulder.) |
| cray: 100, aliens: 0 | |
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| Math | May 11 2006, 10:25 PM Post #6 |
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meat puppet.... gosh kray i love ya |
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eastcoast153 (10:25:43 PM): hey man do you know how to glow mushrooms? im in class eastcoast153 (10:25:55 PM): *grow | |
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| Metal _Mister_Crayola | May 12 2006, 07:20 PM Post #7 |
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I am Mister Pat (Patrica) Crayola
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Episode 3A of MERCURY MAN! (Mr. Robinson, a teacher, is sitting with a clipboard in auditorium. There are a few kids in auditorium. Next to Mr. Robinson is a hoodlum, Ebony. He has a hat and baggy clothes. He looks sleepy. Barf Bag sits in left row. Mercury Man sits in right row.) Mr. Robinson: Oookay guys, I bet you are all totally psyched about the talent contest? Now no matter what happens, you guys are all winners! You are super! Ebony: Yea, granola, you be a fairy? Mr. Robinson: Yes, David. I am not going to stand here in the closet, I'm gay. Okay? So, now you know. But I just want you to know I'm just like you. Ebony: Man get your queer hands offa me, because I'm 'bout to blast yo sissy white ass, motherfucker! Mr. Robinson: Happy voices! Okay. Who's first? Ebony: (lazily, he gets up, crosses to stage) All right. I'll go. Sup, ya'll? Here's my rap...[We apologize, but a weekly required testing is in effect for the area of...ROMEWINKLE]... ALL: Ebony! Ebony! You so fly! Ebony: Word. (Ebony sits.) Mr. Robinson: Next...H.G.? (Mercury Man crosses to stage and points to Mr. Robinson) Mercury Man: Mercury Man. Ebony: Ha, H.G. Mercury Man: Back off, porch monkey! Okay. I have a guitar and I can play it. And I have a penis, which I can play. Now, listen ya'll...(Sings and plays guitar, which is strapped around him) My penis is the coolest ever. He's cool as cool can be. His name is Richard Johnson, and he belongs to me. He's big and bad as can be, sometimes he is bigger than me. My pee-pee has a mind of his own, cuz he gets pussy not me. You know he has gorgeous nappy hair and he's thick and big bonered. Come rock with me and my penis. Look at that baby dance. My cock loves to rock and roll, cock and roll, you know what I'm saying? Show me a dick that can do that. Come play with me and my gorgeous penis, come dry my wet willy for me! Yea! Who's the man?! (Enter Toucan Sam, Mercury Man unstraps the guitar.) Toucan Sam: Not you. Mercury Man: Say what? Toucan Sam: Yo mom more of a man than you! Ebony: She got more pubes and armpit hair than you! Mr. Robinson: (excited) Burn! You got owned! Sorry... (Everyone gives him a look, as if 'that teacher is such a gay dork') Toucan Sam: Anyway...you say you are the man...but let's see how you deal with the heat, Mercury Man. Mercury Man: I get it, this is a joke. Toucan Sam: Oh, Henry George...you still are in denial...you always wear since your dad's father has been seeing your mother... Mercury Man: It's not true. Toucan Sam: Sure it is. Ever since your dad moved out, he was there. That guy who collects underwear, ain't your dad, he's your grandpa. Mercury Man: How do you know? Toucan Sam: You don't remember me, do you? Ebony: Dude and I thought my grandma havin kids younger than my sisters was dysfunctional! Barf Bag: (stands up) Dude, you don't know Mercury Man do you? Mercury Man: Barf Bag? I thought you were mad at me. Barf Bag: I was. Oh, you can fix a ruptured testicles but you can't fix ten years of eating each others' snot. Now if that's not disturbed, I don't know what is. Toucan Sam: How touching...not. Who are you, sonny? Barf Bag: Barf Bag, his loyal jackass. What's your name? Toucan Sam: Toucan Sam is the name. And I have a loyal jackass, more of a partner-in-crime, actually. Barf Bag: (laughing) Let me guess, Tony the Tiger, right? Toucan Sam: Hey you are pretty funny. On mother's day thank your mother for if she wouldn't have drunk all that whiskey, you wouldn't be where you are today. (Barf Bag raises his fist, Mercury Man puts Barf Bag's fist down) Mercury Man: Only I can talk about Barf Bag's mother that way. Barf Bag: And I can only talk about Mercury Man's family, and the mushrooms growing on his mom's beef curtains. Mercury Man: Just like old times. Toucan Sam: Old times, now there is deja vu... Mercury Man: What are you talking about? Mr. Robinson: Kids, we still have twenty other people to audition! Mercury Man: Shut up, fruitcup. Mr. Robinson: You're pretty fiesty when you're mad. Mercury Man: Mr. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you? Mr. Robinson: No. Because I don't want to be fired. (Exit Mr. Robinson) Mercury Man: Somehow relieved and-- Toucan Sam: You are getting off the subject... Mercury Man: What's the matter now, Toucan? Toucan Sam: You and your jackass, against me and mine...it's on! Mercury Man: What you wanna fight us? Ha. Ha. Haha! Toucan Sam: No...I don't want to fight... Barf Bag: Then...what? Toucan Sam: You'll see. Tuna Can? Ebony: Man, what up with this. The nigga's name is Tuna? Mercury Man: Can...? Barf Bag: Holy sheets, that makes me sooo fuckin' hungry! Toucan Sam: Oh good here he comes. (Shadow of "Tuna Can" is visible.) Tuna Can: (Off.) Hey, you ready to pl-ayy? TO BE CONTINUED... |
| cray: 100, aliens: 0 | |
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| Mr. Johnnie Sexton | May 18 2006, 02:24 PM Post #8 |
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Ebony: Man, what up with this. The nigga's name is Tuna? Mercury Man: Can...? Barf Bag: Holy sheets, that makes me sooo fuckin' hungry! Toucan Sam: Oh good here he comes. (Shadow of "Tuna Can" is visible.) Tuna Can: (Off.) Hey, you ready to pl-ayy? ] none more cliff hung [ |
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| Metal _Mister_Crayola | May 18 2006, 06:20 PM Post #9 |
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I am Mister Pat (Patrica) Crayola
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i will cliffhang you no longer, i will uncliffhang ya'll tonight just as soon as I finish my bloody hw. |
| cray: 100, aliens: 0 | |
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| Metal _Mister_Crayola | May 18 2006, 08:33 PM Post #10 |
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I am Mister Pat (Patrica) Crayola
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Episode 3B of Mercury Man (Outside.) Tuna Can: It's on. The name of the game is... ALL: Wallball...!!!??? Tuna Can: Yes, brothas, we be playin' Wallball. Team Knockout. Ebony: Yea cause I'm black, I'm too lazy to do anything else but be da ref. Tuna Can: Do that Ebony, how's ya grandma? Ebony: Her hip doin' betta. Barf Bag: So how we playin' this. Toucan Sam: It's simple as douching. Tuna Can and I versus you and Mercury Man. Me to you to Tuna Can to Mercury Man. First team to get out is the loser. Ebony: Course ol' white boys like Mercury Man already be losers. Mercury Man: Go pick some cotton, Uncle Tom! Ok. Let's do this. Toucan Sam: (to himself) I'll show you Mercury Man, I'm no wuss.... Mercury Man: (to himself) I'll show you Bird of all Corn Flakes, I'm no loser! Barf Bag: (to himself) I really don't want to let Mercury Man down. Ebony: (to himself) If Mercury Man loses, I'll be the coolest kid in school after all! Yea dawg! Tuna Can: (to himself) Dude, I completely forgot, I have a ballet recital in half an hour! I should have the nut cracker, not Tommy Boyd. I'll remember to crack his nuts. Ebony: All right! Toucan Sam: (throws) First throw. Ebony: Yes, Toucan Sam! Barf Bag: (throws, grove-style) Oh yeah. Groove! Tuna Can: (throws groove-style) Groove! Mercury Man: (catches) Non-groove. Sorry, my pit bull bit my left hand and I got a bad nerve... Toucan Sam: You got some nerve. Throw it, you sick prick! Mercury Man: (throws. It hits) It hit! It hit! In your face! Ebony: (jumping on a bench) K Dawg, dont go creamin your jeans. Toucan Sam: (throws vigorously) This is for all the toucans in the hood! Barf Bag: (double touches) Shit! (They all freeze and stare as Barf Bag gets a double touch. He slides in slow motion. Toucan Sam points. Ebony shouts OUT! Barf Bag falls and hits head on wall.) Mercury Man: (shouts) Oh my god, you killed Barf Bag! You bastard! Toucan Sam: (shouts) Run for it, Tuna Can! Quick! Tuna Can: (throws) Don't worry. Groove. Mercury Man: (throws) Ok. Toucan Sam: (throws) How do you like that? (Tuna Can's watch beeps. He dodges the ball and runs off.) Toucan Sam: Tuna Can? Where are you going? Tuna Can: To find Erik Estrada...in...the jungles of Africa...we'll have to do this some other time! (Exit Tuna Can.) Toucan Sam: Ballet, again. Mercury Man: (dives for the slow-mo ball, he throws it, it ricochets to Toucan Sam's hand) My balls almost exploded! That was a close... Toucan Sam: (in slow motion, Toucan Sam throws the ball, it misses. Toucan Sam slowly runs and Mercury Man scoops the ball up and gets Toucan Sam out.) NO!!! Mercury Man: I win! Ebony: Damn, that ain't fly bitch! (Exit Ebony) Toucan Sam: (pacing) Humilated. Again. Mercury Man: What do you mean again? Toucan Sam: You probably don't care. Mercury Man: Probably not. But go ahead anyway. Toucan Sam: Dude, don't you remember me? Sammy St. Patrick. Mercury Man: Dude, they named a holiday after you? Toucan Sam: Nope. I was in your third grade class. Mercury Man: Dude the skinny kid with curly hair I used to chillax with, the... Toucan Sam: Wuss. You told me to unstrap that fat girl's bra, and I didn't because I thought it be wrong. Mercury Man: It was funny. Toucan Sam: You made her cry and you got suspended. Mercury Man: So? Haha. Look Sammy, I don't get your motive, but I admire your efforts. Join me and together we'll conquer Earth. Sorry if I kind of ditched you all these years, my mom's marriage sucks. Toucan Sam: Dude does your mom still have a hairless pussy except for the ones growing beneath her labia minor? Mercury Man: Yes. Toucan Sam: What about your friend there...? (Barf Bag is laying on ground, head against wall) Mercury Man: Leave him. (Exit Mercury Man and Toucan Sam) |
| cray: 100, aliens: 0 | |
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| elvisLivesBITCHsoSUCKIT | May 18 2006, 10:32 PM Post #11 |
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i crapped a button
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i don't know what to say.... |
| i carry night. under my arms. | |
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| key grip flip dip trip | May 19 2006, 12:54 AM Post #12 |
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Any Ol' Skank Ho
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neither do i. oh wait, i do. entertaining, yet lengthy. ya gotta hand it to tha kid, hes got spunk. |
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| Bulbasaur | May 19 2006, 11:56 AM Post #13 |
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splooge_happycat.gif
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oh, cray :rolleyes: :lol:
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| Metal _Mister_Crayola | May 19 2006, 06:41 PM Post #14 |
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I am Mister Pat (Patrica) Crayola
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yes. that's right, dance puppets dance.
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| cray: 100, aliens: 0 | |
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| Birds_Fall_N_Peck_Yr_Skull | May 19 2006, 07:15 PM Post #15 |
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They got all mixed up/and Siamesed
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I be dancin' Are you prancin'? Come on now, at least buy some bait! |
| GO USAIN BOLT...u r as fast as ur name..BOLT..u can even outrun harry potter thunderbolt..u r d greatest runner i ever see..Try even harder to break more records where its imposible for anyone 2 break it in the future..love u bolt | |
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7:10 PM Jul 10