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Cray's Plays; An anthology
Topic Started: Jan 20 2017, 09:56 AM (51 Views)
TheNewImprovedCray

Here are some of the plays that were performed around the country and the world by me. Starting with my favorite. I'll post them here. I'll post my favorite, unpublished/ unproduced plays. Feel free to discuss them.

1. War is a Picnic
Performed by Thespian Productions, NYC, NY

A battlefield. Throughout the scene, there are
flashes. ANTHONY and ANNE are sitting down, having
a picnic.
ANTHONY
What a lovely day!
Gunshot.
ANNE
Yes, what a lovely day!
Explosion.
ANTHONY
Oh, dear. I think his head blew off.
Gunshot.
ANNE
Look at all that blood!
Scream.
ANTHONY
Maybe we should have gone somewhere quieter?
ANNE
No, this is an arousing environment. Remember the last
war? This is where we had Zip.
ANTHONY
Oh, yes. That was a lovely war. Total of 42,000
casualties. Many others, innocents, killed.
ANNE
And where were we? Sitting right here watching it. The
two of us.
ANTHONY
Oh, do you remember our first date?
ANNE
Yes! We went to that mass execution!
ANTHONY
So many heads decapitated!
ANNE
Oh, just thinking about it...
ANTHONY
What is it, my Anne?
ANNE
Oh, Anthony!
They kiss passionately. Gunfire. Explosion. Enter
PETRA and PETER.
PETRA
Well, well. Look who was too cheap to get a room.
PETER
Figures. Not of our class, love.
PETRA
Oh, look at that! It is so horrid!
PETER
Terribly horrid. Yes, I do think I will wet my pants.
ANNE and ANTHONY laugh and squeal.
PETER
Hey! Will you control yourselves? We’re trying to eat.
ANTHONY
Eat shit!
ANNE
What he said!
PETER
I do beg your pardon?
ANNE
I’m Anne. And this is my husband Anthony. We’re on a
date.
PETER
Yes, well if you could kindly leave us alone...we’re on
a date, too. We’re observing tragedy.
ANNE
Observing tragedy?
PETER
The misfortune of these boys getting shot. We are here
to grieve.
PETRA
Mourn.
ANTHONY
Oh.
PETRA
My little boy is fighting in the army.
ANNE
Mine too.
PETRA
His name is Zep. That one right there. The spastic one.
ANNE
Mine is named Zip. The tall, handsome one.
PETRA
How perfect. Do you have a coffin picked out for him?
ANNE
A what?
Enter ZIP.
ZIP
Mom, what are you doing here?
ANTHONY
Sit down, we’re having a picnic!
ZIP
Get out of here.
ANTHONY
We have your favorite. Apple pie.
ANNE
I made the Apple pie.
ZIP
This is a war! Not a picnic!
ANNE
Wars are picnics!
PETER
Yes, except everyone dies.
PETRA
You know, as a child every year at my birthday, I wish
on a candle...I do hope I die. You must be Zip.
ZIP
I am.
PETRA
Zip, huh? How old are you?
ZIP
Eighteen.
PETRA
Eighteen, huh? Well, sit right down here!
Explosion.
ZIP
All of you, get out of here.
Enter ZEP.
ZEP
Mommy! Daddy!
ZIP
Are these your parents?!
ZEP
This is my mom! This is my dad!
PETRA
You two know each other?
ZIP
We sleep in the same tent.
ZEP
I wake up in the middle of the night and often mistake
him for an enemy and shoot at him.
PETER
That’s my boy!
PETRA
Peter! Zep, you are too fragile for this war! You still
wear child’s underwear.
ZEP
Yes, but I’ve cum into them.
PETRA
That dirty talk!
ZIP
There is no time! They are advancing! Zep, we must get
back to fighting.
ZEP
This is a picnic?
PETER
Yes. I have ham.
ZEP
I have not had ham since-
PETER
Eat, boy.
ANNE
Look how they spoil that child.
ANTHONY
Tsk, tsk.
PETER
As if you don’t? Apple pie?
ANNE
Sit down, Zip.
ZIP
I don’t want to.
ANNE
I said sit down. Tell me about the war. Is it really as
wonderful as they say it is?
ZIP
It’s...
Explosion.
Scream.
Rapid Gunfire.
ZIP
Well, what do you think?
ANNE
I think it’s delightful! Look at you, all dressed up!
ZIP
What do you stand for, mother?
ANNE
I...
ZIP
Father? And you, Zep?
ZEP
I stand for a lot of things.
ZIP
Does anyone understand why this war is being fought?
ANNE
More land!!!
ANTHONY
More land!
ANNE
And when our side wins, we will have a lot more land.
ANTHONY
And we will build a giant amusement park!
ANNE
With roller coasters and Ferris wheels!
PETER
I would imagine from a war, we would build graveyards.
PETRA
With lots and lots of tombstones.
PETER
To bury the dead.
PETRA
Monuments.
ZEP
There is a war being fought?!
ZIP
Listen to me! I will tell you the reason! There is no
reason! All of this is an excuse to fight! An absurd
reason for us to invade territories and-
Enter CAPTAIN, of the opposing side.
CAPTAIN
I can tell you what happened the last time I heard
that.
ZIP
I apologize.
CAPTAIN
No, go on.
ANNE
Would you like to join us for the picnic?
PETER
Two picnics. Ours is better.
ANNE
We have sandwiches, hard-boiled eggs, potatoes, and
apple pie!
PETRA
Yes and we have sausage, ham, bacon, and strudel!
CAPTAIN
This is a war!
ANNE
Captain gets hungry!
CAPTAIN
I’ll shoot you all!
ZIP
No!
CAPTAIN
These are your parents?
ZIP
No...
ANTHONY
Of course we are. I’m Anthony.
ANNE
And I am Anne. Now have a potato!
CAPTAIN sits.
Explosion.
ANNE
We were thinking of having an orgy here.
CAPTAIN
An orgy?
ANNE
Yes. Anthony and I, and these two...
CAPTAIN
An orgy on the battlefield?
ZEP
Can I join?
ANTHONY
Sure!
PETRA
No! There will be no orgy!
CAPTAIN
Of course there will be an orgy. Or everyone here will
die.
ZIP
Then there better be an orgy.
ZEP
What is an orgy?
ANTHONY
Let’s eat first. Can’t fuck on an empty stomach.
ANNE
Yes, but everyone knows you have to wait thirty minutes
after you eat to have sex or you get cramps.
CAPTAIN
I would like some sausage!
ANTHONY
Mine?
CAPTAIN
No...(to PETER) you, sir. Hand me that sausage.
PETER hands him sausage.
CAPTAIN
What do we have to drink?
ANNE
I brought lemonade!
PETRA
Lemonade? Oh, you have no class at all.
PETRA pours PETER wine.
CAPTAIN
What kind of wine is that?
PETRA
The kind of wine we’re not sharing with you!
Explosion.
CAPTAIN
I love that sound!
ANNE
I do, too.
CAPTAIN
Do you, really?
ANTHONY
Yes and I do, too.
PETRA
It’s horrid and tragic.
PETER
And tragic and horrid.
CAPTAIN
Did you bring any cucumbers?
ANTHONY
I’m confused. Mine?
ANNE
No. No cucumbers, I’m afraid. But. Well, since Zip has
been such a naughty boy and neglected his parents,
Captain...how would you like his apple pie? Maybe that
will show him!
ZIP
Mother, I don’t care about apple pie!
ANNE
Maybe our next child will!
CAPTAIN begins eating the apple pie.
CAPTAIN
I don’t like you people. But you make good food. You
sure know how to treat a Captain.
ZIP
Yes, the enemy, too...
CAPTAIN
Now, is your picnic quite done?
ANNE
Oh, no. We plan to stay here as the soldiers march
through!
ANTHONY
Yes, you see...she is ovulating.
PETRA
And we only cry every ten years, so we are long over
due.
PETER
Yes, yes, yes!
CAPTAIN
This is a battlefield! We’re going to be storming
through! You’re in the way!
ANNE
Such a fussy man.
ANTHONY
Don’t worry. He’ll go away once he sees that mole on
your ass.
ZIP
This is so embarrassing.
CAPTAIN
Looks like you’re well-prepared for war, aren’t you?
ZIP
I do not talk to the enemy.
CAPTAIN
You just did. I bet Zep does. I bet Zep wants to be my
friend.
ZIP
Zep?
CAPTAIN
Zep, my boy...how would you like to be a hero?
ZEP
Yes, sir. I would love to be a hero.
CAPTAIN
See this grenade? All you have to do is count to ten
and light it.
ZEP
You got it, Admiral.
CAPTAIN
That’s Captain.
CAPTAIN runs off. ZEP lights grenade.
ZIP
You’re all going to die! Get out of here!
ZEP
One, two, buckle my shoe!
ANNE
This has been a lovely afternoon. Simply lovely.
ZEP
Three, four, open the door!
ZIP
You’re all going to blow up! Run! Run!
ANTHONY
I ate much too much. I even ate some of their food.
ZEP
Five, six, pick up sticks!
ZIP
Are you people stupid or something?
PETRA
Tragedy is erotic, isn’t?
ZEP
Seven, eight, lay them straight!
ZIP
Please come with me!
PETER
When I was a boy, I had a red bicycle. Beautiful.
ZEP
Nine, ten...
Grenade blows up. Explosion. There is a flash
onstage. All the actors are shown laying on the
ground, dead.
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TheNewImprovedCray

As I watch the protests and reflect on the role of the Captain (who has come to symbolize Trump), (mind you, I wrote this play a couple of years ago), I am frightened at its reality at how it's become a reality. for example, I live in an apartment, and there's a crazy woman upstairs just vacuuming while we're watching the protests, while people are out there putting there lives on the life, and throwing bricks at houses, and fighting for their beliefs, yet not displaying peace, and fighting with officers. If our country falls into this state of division, between "mindless" people like Anne, Anthony, Petra, and Peter, and people like Zep and Zip, and their dualities, and the Captain trying to take everyone's rights, I'm frightened for the country. War is a Picnic got extremely got reviews, and is popular with all audiences, because is a bitter political-war satire. Protest through art. Not through war.
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Melvin
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Sophisticated Poster
Man this is long, and I aint gonna act like I read the whole thing, but I'll get around to it though.

Did you ever read anything by Orson Scott Card, though? The Ender's Game series? Reading your post just made me realize that there are two characters, Peter and Petra, and you're talking about duality and that, and I'm just realizing how related those names are, and how I need to go back and re-read a bunch of that series to examine the intentionality behind that, and yeah.
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Math
---
great play, timely relevant

ender's game is like the #1 book all the high schoolers read. i wish i had another GUARANTEED classic to give the kids as good as that.
eastcoast153 (10:25:43 PM): hey man do you know how to glow mushrooms? im in class
eastcoast153 (10:25:55 PM): *grow
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Melvin
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Sophisticated Poster
Buncha good books in that series, like Xenocide, and every book in the Ender's Shadow series where Peter and Petra become really close

Never read Ender's Game in HS and I'm kinda glad about that because I think a typical high school English class analysis would have killed it for me
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Math
---
im trying to find free choice books for kids tho
eastcoast153 (10:25:43 PM): hey man do you know how to glow mushrooms? im in class
eastcoast153 (10:25:55 PM): *grow
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key grip flip dip trip
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Any Ol' Skank Ho
what are "free choice books"? books about how you are free to choose in life?

war is a picnic, great title. agreed that it's timely. cray, i find myself worried about all the division as well (trump's win made me feel like i didn't know america) and i worry that our responses to him are just doing more to divide... but also wonder what else to do when someone does the *BEEEEP* he does. tightrope walk.

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Math
---
free choice like the kids get to decide what they want to read. they pick ENDERS GAME all the time.
eastcoast153 (10:25:43 PM): hey man do you know how to glow mushrooms? im in class
eastcoast153 (10:25:55 PM): *grow
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