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Jokes
Topic Started: May 18 2008, 08:36 PM (1,536 Views)
Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
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SuPeRnAtUrAlChIcK79
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Ever just wanna *lick* his neck?
[ *  * ]
Stuff to ponder.......

Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why do you have a pair of panties, but just one bra?
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Two blondes walk into a bar.
You think the second would have ducked.
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SuPeRnAtUrAlChIcK79
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Ever just wanna *lick* his neck?
[ *  * ]
tammitam,May 19 2008
05:36 AM
Two blondes walk into a bar.
You think the second would have ducked.

That made me giggle :D
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
I love that one Tammi! :lol:

I thought this one was cute:


MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

* 2 Put down your car window.

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

* 6 Put window up.

* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

* 5 Turn the radio down.

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

* 9 Insert card.

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

* 12 Enter PIN.

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

* 19 Re-check make-up again.

* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

* 22 Retrieve card.

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

* 27 Release Parking Brake
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Very cute!
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
I sometimes sleepwalk when I visit my parents, but it isn’t dangerous or anything. They live on the 21st floor and they usually remember to close most of the windows.

I’m tired of getting stopped by the Highway Patrol for their petty little charges: “Why were you doing 150 mph?”, “What’s that body doing in the trunk?” blah, blah, blah.

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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Why don't sharks eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Sam would like that joke!
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
I thought of him after I read it! :D
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

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Irishgirl
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A Big, Steamy Pile of Nothing
[ *  * ]
:lol: :lol: :lol:


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
:lol: :lol:
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