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Jokes
Topic Started: May 18 2008, 08:36 PM (1,537 Views)
Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
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They're awesome Tammi!! :bigha:
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
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LMAO!!!

Ok, here is another email one I got.


The Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules '
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, You probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
! Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did ! NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation,
Or BASKETBALL.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
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And one more!


Iranian Airspace Violation

In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response... total silence)
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
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DON’T MESS WITH FARM KIDS

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so.......

When he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
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I just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the educational emails over the past year... Because of your warning I live in a zip-lock plastic bag with clean oxygen piped in after passing through 18 filters which are replaced each hour.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.


Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans=2 0fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft andAOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ..


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena will grant my every wish.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS orFedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore andUzbekistan ..


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large ostrich with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.




Have a wonderful day, anyway!
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
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"I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies,I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
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Those are all awesome Tammi!! :rah
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
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What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... "

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A}
Almost Boobs...
{B}
Barely there.
{C}
Can't Complain!
{D}
Dang!
{DD}
Double dang!
{E}
Enormous!
{F}
Fake.
{G}
Get a Reduction.
{H}
Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
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Irishgirl
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A Big, Steamy Pile of Nothing
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:lol: :lol: :lol:


Two Garbage Bags


A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'


'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'


'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'


'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'


'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'


'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
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:rofl
Those are awesome!!
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tammitam
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Out of the Fire and Back in the Frying Pan
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Phone Call Home

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, **


**'Hello?'**



**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**





**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**



**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**



**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**



Brief Pause.



**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**


**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**



**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**



**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****







*****Longer Pause*****







*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**




**'Swimming pool? ...........* *


**Is this 486-5731?'*




**No, I think you have the wrong number...... ... **
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
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:bigha:
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Irishgirl
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A Big, Steamy Pile of Nothing
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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Alec/X5-494
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My Daddy Shot Your Daddy in the Head
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:rofl
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