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HighJinx; (jokes)
Topic Started: Mar 10 2008, 05:03 AM (77 Views)
Cougar
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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Momma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.





"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad."

''Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.



When you're finished laughing, pass this along to a mum :lol:
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Cup of Tea



One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'




My Mom waited and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says...(as only a mother would know... )



'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol
at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was
feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what
happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked
his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I
have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and When
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm a married man !!!!!!!!!!

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS :p
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GIVING UP WINE



I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked.. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

:ph43r: :ph43r:
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Aboriginal Eggs

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike. Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift. A friendly truckie stops to see if he can help and the lads ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he’s late for his delivery, so he tells the lads he has to leave. They ask him for a lift and the truckie once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike in the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets underway.

By this time the truckie is really late so he puts his foot down. The cops pull him up for speeding. The cop asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies “Aboriginal eggs”.

The cop obviously doesn’t believe this and wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it. He gets onto his radio and calls for backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what the emergency he has that requires so many more officers.



The officer replies “I’ve got a truck with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it – 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already.”
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'Spaghetti'



For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to
Italy to secretly have the child.


If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed - and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:



'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.



Three with meatballs, two without.



'Send extra sauce.'



:blink:
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Yes, its another bit of email humor... still Very Funny !!!

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.





Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.





MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!





TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.





WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.





THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.






FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?




SATURDAY :

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.




SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.'


He gave Noah the plans, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the Unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared , 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Shire Council for a decision.

Then ERGON demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.

I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.

Then the DPI ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Fair Trading group on how many 'Stolen generation' persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The State Government has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non designated group.

UNIONS say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, ATO (australian taxation office) seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.

'The Australian Government has beaten me to it.'


------------------------------------------------------------
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I remember the last one she did a few years ago – and this one is just as good!


Now everyone, getting ready to sing … this really IS for those senior moments!!!

Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical


To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics she used:


> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >


(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it


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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.



An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'


The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'


:lol:
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An oldie but a goodie & still a lesson for all aspiring future pollies' :whistle



Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:.... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:.... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing

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A little girl asked her mother:
'How did the human race appear?'

Her mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. Her father answered, 'Many years ago there
were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human
race was created by God, and Dad said they developed
from monkeys?'

Her mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'


:whistle
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



ALL PUNS INTENDED :p
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