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| Changing the way you look at the world. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 5 2006, 12:11 PM (183 Views) | |
| Minxy | Mar 5 2006, 12:11 PM Post #1 |
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Administrator
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If there is one lesson that has become the most important to me over the last few years, bringing up two sons on the spectrum, it's that trying to change these children doesn't help at all. I know I've come across many people who feel that the way to make all the bad things go away is to take the Autism out of the child. Any of you who has older children with autism will know that this just doesn't work, but it doesn't stop schools trying to achieve this by putting things into place to support the child then taking them away when they think the child is cured of the behaviour. It took me a long, long time to realise that to make things work I had to take a long hard look at my views on the world and my expectations. I worried about silly things like, what people thought of my parenting methods, what people thought when they saw my child in the street kicking off, what people though when my child didn't want to join in or participate in anything. I spent far too much time worrying about the people around me and the effect my childs autism would have on them that I really didn't have time to think about what I could do to make life easier for my child and me and my family. Sometimes we refuse to let go of the things we see as normal, things like playing, socialising, expecting. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals for our children, what I am saying is that we need to focus on things that are important to them, and not really for our own benefit. Many a time a parent will say to me "I'm really worried because he doesn't want to go out and play" The thing is often our children are more than happy doing their own thing and forcing them out to play is our way of trying to 'normalise' their behaviours. Often the fact that they don't want to play upsets us much more than it does the children. Often we feel guilty for the fact that we are unable to parent these children in the same way we would an NT child. We shouldn't feel guilty, we should celebrate the fact that we are able to find stratagies and methods that work for our own children. Lets face it, when you have a child with autism any effective parenting mannual can go right out of the window as it is useless. You shouldn't feel guilty for parenting this child differently, because for most of them the conventional approaches don't make sense or don't work. When it comes to the people around you its a case of remembering that you know what you are doing is right and that people who make comments unfortunately can't help their ignorance and well, in my opinion if they can't see the beauty of our kids thats their loss. There are so many wonderful things to celebrate at times, it's just sometimes as parents we won't allow ourselves to celebrate them because we worry too much about what is seen to be 'normal' More of us should stand back and see how great we manage, even when we feel we don't, because we do. |
| www.themazegroup.org | |
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| :Adamsaunt | Mar 5 2006, 02:02 PM Post #2 |
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Confidante
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What a beautiful piece of writing. I am new to this parenting of a child with aspergers and adhd, and often feel how i am failing or not capable of doing good. When my friends see what Adam and i have achieved together i can sometimes stand back and think "Perhaps i've not done so bad after all". Often you feel you are hitting your head against a brick wall, but then the child says or does something that makes you feel so proud that you could almost forget the bad (for a while anyway!!). I know there are loads of people on here who have far more difficult circumstances than myself, and i for one would like to raise my hat to them all. Karen.
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| caldcot01 | Mar 5 2006, 06:48 PM Post #3 |
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Next door neighbour
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yep that was a beautiful piece of writing and so true take care sarah
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| :sng1 | Mar 5 2006, 09:11 PM Post #4 |
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Next door neighbour
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Brilliantly said Mandy
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| :Testarossa | Mar 5 2006, 09:41 PM Post #5 |
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Testarossa
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What you hve written is so true, but sometimes, what I would give for a little Fairy dust to make everything in and out of our household "normal"
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| If you stay ready, you won't need to get ready! | |
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| paula | Mar 5 2006, 10:05 PM Post #6 |
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A special friend
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Spot On!!!! I'm with you all the way Mandy. I spent the first 5 years of my sons lives trying to make them "normal" because the psychologists were telling me too and the last 5 trying to make them and our family more happy and peaceful! As for the general public, I tend not to give them any eye contact!!!!!!! I leant to ignore their tuts and stares years ago, if something has frightened our child or upset them, they are our first priority not the public. Have you ever thought of writing as a hobby/career? Don't lol!!! Paula |
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| Minxy | Apr 5 2006, 11:04 AM Post #7 |
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Administrator
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I think this is half the problem with schools too. They spend too much time trying to make our kids like the kids around them, what for? Our kids are great the way they are. I'ts just a case of adapting the way we think to be able to join them there. |
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| Lisablue | Apr 5 2006, 03:24 PM Post #8 |
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A special friend
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What is normal anyway?...Doe's anybody know? My friends avoid me like the plague when Joe is at home...yet one of my friends little girls thinks it's ok to spit and pull my youngest round by his hair!!! My other so called friend's child tells me to shut up and honestly gives me dirty looks (at five that's mad!) Am I normal.....noooooooooooooooooooo...lol Your right Mandy...the biggest thing I have ever achieved is accepting Joe for who he is...took some time did'nt it? But I tell you something for nothing...I feel loads happier now than before
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| :acorns47 | Apr 5 2006, 05:37 PM Post #9 |
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Bestest friend
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I would like to thank this site for helping me to see and accept Jen for who she is. I know I havent long joined, but already I feel I am beginning to really understand what life is really like for her. Like others I have tried to 'normalise' her behaviour, and although I still have house rules which generally work for us, I am beginning to see and accept the small incremental steps that Jen makes in the world. Thank you PSBS
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| Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! | |
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| Minxy | Apr 5 2006, 05:43 PM Post #10 |
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Administrator
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Kim it means so much to hear you say that.
The thing is if you listen to other parents living with kids with disabilities it is easier to see that changing the child is not the way forward and rarely works. I personally much prefer to celebrate my children for who they are and not for who I wished they were, what people who don't have kids with special needs sometimes miss out on is those little things that we just wouldn't take for granted. Cuddles seem to mean so much more and smiles are beautiful gifts. I know it can be hard sometimes but I wouldn't change my boys for anything and I feel honoured that I have the chance to share their world. |
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8:37 AM Jul 11