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New Rules for 07; from some guy
Topic Started: Jan 5 2007, 07:01 PM (97 Views)
Caber McJock
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I agree
New Rule 1: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule 2: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY LITTLE BASTARDS!

New Rule 4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule 5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule 6: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule 7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ...Ohh,
you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule 8: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule 9: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule 10: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule 11: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule 12: And this one is long overdue. No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, you fucking Homo. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule 13: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.


1. I like flavored water. I also like Whiskey.
2. No adults fucking my kids. Period.
3. I have never seen a bathroom attendant anywhere- where is this guy pissing that someone is there to dry his hands, anyway?
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MaxPower
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Follower of Branigann's Law
Quote:
 
New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY LITTLE BASTARDS!

No teachers but a friends very hot mom, well we're not friends anymore...
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