Issue 29 ~ February 29, 2012
EXCLUSIVE: Are there Jovians living in YOUR neighbourhood?
Admins blamed for weak regulations
Jovians – 'purples', as they are sometimes called – are slowly invading our forums. You may scoff, even question the harm, but the truth is all around! The true Jovian is a mindless spammer, a cunning derailer of topics, and a sacrilegious defiler of Kraden's teachings.
Said to control the winds, the truth behind this flatulent clan is that they are secretly plotting the downfall of the Temple itself! Earlier this week one of ToK monthly's reporters managed to secretly gain access to Anemos and discern the nature of this wicked clan's inner workings and schemes.
Out of fear of retaliation, this reporter has asked not to be identified.
'It was barbaric. Once Hinoa had finally gained control of the rowdy Jovians, they started tossing babies off Anemos!'
Up until now, we had only heard rumours of this baby-tossing. It appeared to be a kind of clan sport. But, to hear it confirmed once and for all... truly shocking.
'It appeared this bloody sport was how Hinoa tore the power from Chrono and won the support to lead the clan. They decided he was the greatest Jovian of their time through beating Chrono one-on-one in a game of baby-tossing.'
We caught up later with the mysterious leader of the Jupiter clan to determine if the allegations against him were true. He became suspiciously aggressive under our questioning.*
Hell: Hinoa, is it true what they're saying about what you had to do to gain Jovian leadership?
Hinoa: Get that camera out of my face!
Hell: What do you say to those who feel you're the leader of a host of bloodthirsty babykillers?
Hinoa: I said, get that camera away from me!
Hell: Hinoa, how many newborn lives did you have to raze through to obtain your goals?
At this point, our crews were forced to flee lest Hinoa bring down the powers of Jupiter flatulence upon us.
*This confrontation may or may not have happened
Next we took our investigation to the streets, and there we found opinions on the Jovian population to be completely undivided.
'I want those [radio edit]ing purples out of my street!' says one member.
'Will somebody please think about the children?' cried another.
Some people are trying to make the best of a bad situation.
'They go well with ketchup,' says Steve, cocking a gun.
Truly, this may just be the greatest challenge of our time. We, as a Temple, must purge this scum we have so idly allowed to grow among us. Only united can we, the people, defeat the Jovian threat.
However, once again, our government is failing us. How did this scourge make its home among us so easily, you ask? The answer is simple: The admins.
They, in all their infinite wisdom, could not foresee the coming of Jupiter. Even now, they play the political game, blatantly ignoring the warning signs.
'Love and peace~!' cries Satty madly.
'What he means to say is that people aren't giving the Jovians a chance,' translated Draco.
Oh, we've given them a chance all right.
I ask you, members, what chance do we have if our government chooses not to listen to our pleas? Do YOU want to live in a world where YOUR children are taught in the same schools with Jovians, compete for the same job with Jovians, get pushed around by Jovians in power? I THINK NOT.
Temple News Looking For Columnists!
Always trying to better serve its readers, the Temple Weekly News is looking for columnists to provide more of the information and entertainment you want to see. Being a columnist is easy and fun. All it requires is writing an article for each news issue about a topic you like. Enjoy movies? Write reviews or your ramblings about cinema in general. Like books? Do the same for those. Mafia players, weigh in on game theory or give your thoughts on current or recent games. Interview fellow Kradenettes about Temple projects or RPs. The possibilities are endless! Contact Dracobolt for more information.
A Sundancer Cover
Mafia XXIV Analysis by Secundum
Once again, the latest mafia to finish game has brought with it madness, murder, mayhem, and conspiracy theories that Amiti would be proud of. The Werewolf and the Pretty Lady, being played by Leaf and Wally respectively orchestrated events so that all teams turned on each other and almost self destructed. When Wally was asked to comment on the events of the game, this is the quote that we received: "I blame Leaf."
When Leaf was finally tracked down, hiding in a nuclear bunker, he had this to say to The Temple News after we relayed Wally's comment to him: "You can blame your lord and master as much as you please. It only proves my point."
Does this mean that Leaf was the mastermind behind every member the entire time!? Or could this mean that the rumoured BDSM relationship between Wally and Leaf is actually true?
We assure our devoted readers that we will have more information on the subject in the future.
Trinity Tribe Paints the Temple Red with Blood Drive
New Temple tribe, the Trinity Tribe, is beginning its first Temple-wide initiative, a blood drive. The tribe is urging all Kradenettes to participate in the blood drive, which is running all through March. According to tribe spokesperson Dracobolt, "It's easy to take part. Just make an appointment to donate a pint of blood. Easy-peasy, and it only takes about an hour. But since plenty of folks, including yours truly, are skittish around needles, we're allowing people to participate in other ways by donating time or money to organizations that run blood drives, or by signing up to become organ donors." The News was further informed that there would be a topic created about the blood drive, and that the Trinity Tribe has high hopes for one hundred members participating in some way. Will they meet their lofty goal? Only time will tell. This reporter thinks that the blood drive is a worthy project and urges all of the News' readers to take part in whatever ways they can.
The Admins Are Grooming Members To Be Sex Slaves!
For a long time now, rumours have been spreading around The Temple Of Kraden that the admins are secretly brainwashing their members to be sex slaves. When Saturos was finally reached for questioning, he attempted to brush off our investigation and dismiss us as conspiracy theorists with the comment: "I think you might be taking that avatar a bit too close to heart."
Highly suspicious, no? Undeterred by this, several temple members were asked for comments. In a monotone voice will blank staring eyes, Bane noted that "I needed no brainwashing." However, it appears that Bane was brainwashed for finding out too much, as almost a year earlier, he had made this comment while in a state of panic. "I'll be a helpless sex slave." It appears that the admins got to Bane before he could warn the rest of the Temple.
Further evidence for this arises in the form of a member who did not wish to be named. He had this to say to us from behind a black curtain. "Sure, it's been going on for years now. Everyone knows it, but they're too scared to say anything. I've been here since the beginning, and what most people don't know is that that's the TRUE purpose of The Temple Of Kraden. Not to worship the almighty, but to brainwash unwitting members."
It is with a heavy heart that this is published, as even now, that same member has gone blank eyed and talks in a monotone...We're being taken out one at a time...