Shadow Of Destruction

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Shadow Of Destruction
Topic Started: Jan 7 2007, 05:23 PM (403 Views)
Emi	Jan 7 2007, 05:23 PM Post #1
I am the walrus. Posts: 241 Group: Member Member #58 Joined: December 10, 2006 Gender Female	I've seen a lot of good fanfics, so I've decided to write one myself. Here's the prologue: Prologue The silence of the calm Rustboro night was broken only the pounding of feet in a nearby alley, along with an ocassional roar. Then, suddenly, it ceased. The Kadabra stopped running, hopeful that he had lost his pursuer: a Tyrannitar who was making all that noise. The Kadabra considered his life ever since he had been traded. First, his loving trainer traded him-him- for a Haunter, a Haunter that had escaped back to its previous trainer after evolving into a Gengar. The Kadabra had refused to evolve, infuriating his new trainer, who-as the Kadabra had soon figured out-was actually a Cipher agent. Then, the Kadabra had overheard something shouldn't have. The agent was so angry when he'd figured out what the Kadabra had heard, that the Psychic-type knew he had to flee. The agent had sent his Tyrannitar after him, and thus, here the Kadabra was now, reviewing his life. Suddenly, the noise started up again, and the Kadabra broke into a panicked run, only to be blocked by a ghostly figure. It was Gengar, the very Pokemon the Kadabra had been traded for. Anger burned within the Kadabra. Without thinking, he Teleported. He landed in front of the Petalberg Town Pokemon Center. The Kadabra relaxed, relieved that he had finally escaped. And then he evolved. Tell me what you think. ^^
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justanotherpokemonfan	Jan 30 2007, 08:26 PM Post #2
Member Posts: 55 Group: Member Member #17 Joined: August 26, 2006	It's pretty good, except for the ending, the ending is not that great.
	Hi, I'm JAPF! XDD ^^AWESOMECOOL electrike sig made by SQUALL! THANK YOUS!


Emi	Jan 30 2007, 11:34 PM Post #3
I am the walrus. Posts: 241 Group: Member Member #58 Joined: December 10, 2006 Gender Female	Yay! Somebody finally commented. I'll add Chapter 1 later. ^^ I agree with you, I don't like the ending either. ^^
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Zephyr	Jan 31 2007, 01:17 AM Post #4
Lolchatotavatar Posts: 633 Group: Administrator Member #11 Joined: August 24, 2006 Gender Female	Mmm, I'll hold off on the crits until you ahve your first few chapters up. While you go, though, you'll want to work on length and description. Will this be OT fiction, or will it feature the Kadabra in the prologue?
	(RPG info) Avatar by Smeargle the Porygon and it is excellent. [Xerolabs] [Arena][Races] [Agency]


Emi	Jan 31 2007, 07:30 PM Post #5
I am the walrus. Posts: 241 Group: Member Member #58 Joined: December 10, 2006 Gender Female	It will feature the Kadabra, he just won't be the main character. Chapter 1 A breeze stirred the green leaves overhead as a bruised and unconscious Absol in the small ditch below suddenly stirred. "Ow," she moaned, regaining consciousness. "When is that idiot of a trainer going to get to the PokeCenter...hey, where am I?" The Absol, called Nightshade, suddenly realized she was no longer confined in the safety of her Pokeball, but rather, lying on her side in a ditch with leafy trees towering above her. Did Tom lose my Pokeball again? Nightshade wondered. She got up and sighted her her now dented Pokeball lying a few feet from her. Nightshade clambered out of the ditch and studied her surroundings with her unusual ice-blue eyes. Apparently she was in a clearing in the Petalburg Woods. Nightshade froze as she heard footsteps approaching in her direction. She looked around frantically for a hiding place and scampered behind a large bush nearby. A female Umbreon and a younger male Linoone emerged from between the trees and stepped onto the clearing. "Alright, we're here. What is it that you wanted to show me?" the Umbreon asked testily. "Well..." The Linoone's voice dropped into a low whisper, and Nightshade couldn't tell what he was saying. While replying, the Linoone gestured toward a huge nearby oak with traces of something being licked off its trunk. The Umbreon was silent after the Linoone finished speaking, a look of pure fury on her dark face. Then: "You did WHAT?!" she practically shrieked. "You deserted your post just because you thought you saw a UFO? Do you know important your mission was, Fleetfoot? And do you have any idea how hard that jar of Sweet Honey was to get?" "I'm sorry, Moonshadow!" wailed Fleetfoot, the Linoone. "I had to follow the UFO! I mean, what if there was an alien invasion?" "You know what, Fleetfoot? You're hopeless!" Moonshadow shot back. Nightshade saw Fleetfoot flinch at the harshness of her tone. "Now, come on! We're going back to camp to tell Seer." Fleetfoot looked horrified. "No! Don't tell Seer! He'll fire me!" he pleaded. Moonshadow's expression softened. "Fine, we'll tell Eyebright first," she said, turning to leave. Fleetfoot breathed a sigh of relief and followed her. Nightshade decided this was interesting and followed them. About a few minutes of following them, she stepped a twig, which snapped loudly upon impact. Moonshadow whirled around immediately. "Who are you? Why are you following us?" she demanded angrily.
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justanotherpokemonfan	Jan 31 2007, 10:24 PM Post #6
Member Posts: 55 Group: Member Member #17 Joined: August 26, 2006	This chapter is really good, and the neding is a lot better.
	Hi, I'm JAPF! XDD ^^AWESOMECOOL electrike sig made by SQUALL! THANK YOUS!


Zephyr	Feb 1 2007, 08:52 PM Post #7
Lolchatotavatar Posts: 633 Group: Administrator Member #11 Joined: August 24, 2006 Gender Female	That's a decent chapter. It's a little on the short side, though, and you've used two of the most cliche Pokemon in fanfiction- Umbreon and Absol. The scenario was nice, though- good characters, a hint of mystery. However, the lack of descriptions make it terribly bland Descriptions will flesh out your story. ^^ Here, take this excerpt: Quote: Leaves rustled overhead as a wounded and unconscious Absol in the small ditch below stirred. Adjectives, adjectives, adjectives. What kind of leaves? You might want to throw in a comment about the breeze rustling them as well, because they sure don't rustle on their own. In my own writing style, I frequently describe the Pokemon before stating what species it is, but generally by the time I'm done the reader understands. I would probably describe her as "a white-furred lupine creature" before referring to her as an Absol. You might wish to write differently, but it's a good thing to start out with. Saying she was unconscious contradicts with the fact that she was stirring. You might want to use the term "previously unconscious" and cut out use of the word stirred to replace it with something more vivid, such as moaning or shuddering as she regains consciousness. It peeves me when people say "wounded" without describing where or how she was injured. I suppose since you're shirking away from PG-13 we'll avoid blood, but you might want to put in where she was bruised or scratched and perhaps why. Here's the sentence, rewritten: Quote: Maple leaves turned a pale yellow in the coming autumn quivered as a gentle breeze swept through them. A white lupine creature, sheathed in long fur that reflected the moonlight, lay in a ditch at the base of a large tree. Her body was scraped and bruised from head to toe, most prominently injured in the right front leg where a gash had just barely healed. The cold wind awoke her from her state of dormancy, causing her to shudder as she regained control of her muscles.
	(RPG info) Avatar by Smeargle the Porygon and it is excellent. [Xerolabs] [Arena][Races] [Agency]


Emi	Feb 1 2007, 11:06 PM Post #8
I am the walrus. Posts: 241 Group: Member Member #58 Joined: December 10, 2006 Gender Female	I just knew somebody would point that out. fixes Also, Nightshade's first sentence explains why she was bruised and unconscious-she had just been in a battle and hadn't healed up yet. But if it's too vague, please tell me and I'll fix it right away. ^^
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