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| On wings of shining snow; Neptune has no idea. | |
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| Topic Started: Apr 27 2008, 06:45 PM (560 Views) | |
| Midnight | Apr 27 2008, 06:45 PM Post #1 |
My steps lead to darkness...
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example word-Neptune key--'Neptune'=thinking-Neptune=talking using psycic abilitys-"Neptune"=speaking Chapter1 'I am Neptune- My mission is to save the world.'thought Neptune. At that very moment the poke-morph took off to a forest clearing-the one where she was going to meet Saturn. 'You're late, Saturn.' Just then she saw someone it was not Saturn, but Cyrus!She took off in an insant. That was close!And she flew as far and fast as her wings could carry her to Ice Island. |
 ^My site.   CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Shadow | Apr 27 2008, 11:13 PM Post #2 |
/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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Okay, first of all, some grammar and spelling stuff. You repeat "my" in the first sentence. "Your" should be "You're". "Flew" shouldn't be capitalized, and "island" should be if it's a location. What you need now is description, and a lot of it. What's wrong with the world for Neptune to want to save it? What's a Poke-morph? Describe what she looks like. Who's Saturn? Why is she meeting him, and where? Is this a forest clearing, or what is it? Describe the place. Who's Cyrus? What does he look like? Why is she flying away from Cyrus? And why is she now going to Ice Island when she's supposed to be meeting Saturn? Where's Ice Island, how long does it take to get there? There's a lot of work to be done here. |
     --Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Midnight | Apr 27 2008, 11:53 PM Post #3 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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1.Ice island is Articuno's home.All the way in the Orange islands. 2.Cyrus is the(evil)leader of Team Galactic. 3.Cyrus is tring to capture Neptune 4.If you want to know more about Saturn, go here:Bulbipedia 5.A poke-morph is aperson that has Pokemon like features and can use them to their advantage(i.e Neptune flying). 6.Cyrus wants to 'remake' the world using Dialga/Palkia or maybie even both. 7.Neptune is my Avatar. I hope it helped! |
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Shadow | Apr 28 2008, 12:44 AM Post #4 |
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/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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All of that should be incorporated into your story~ ^^ |
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--Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Midnight | Apr 28 2008, 12:09 PM Post #5 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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example word-Neptune key--'Neptune'=thinking-Neptune=talking using psycic abilitys-"Neptune"=speaking Last time: Chapter1 'I am Neptune- My my mission is to save the world.'thought Neptune. At that very moment the poke-morph took off to a forest clearing-the one where she was going to meet Saturn. 'You're late, Saturn.' Just then she saw someone it was not Saturn, but Cyrus!She took off in an insant. That was close!And she flew as far and fast as her wings could carry her to Ice Island. Now: Chapter2 Neptune decided to call Saturn on the phone insted and changed course to her house.Meanwhile at Saturn's house...Two Galactic grunts were battling his Toxicroak and winning.'Why do they insist on battling me?'Wondered Saturn "Glameow, use Shadow rush!"Commanded Galactic Grunt#1.Toxicroak fainted. (A/N:If I told you everything first then it wouldn't be dramatic, would it?  )
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Shadow | Apr 28 2008, 09:09 PM Post #6 |
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/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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No offense, but right now, it's not dramatic at all. We can't feel suspense as we realize that Neptune saw Cyrus, because the story doesn't tell us who Cyrus is and why he's a problem. And we can't feel the importance of meeting Saturn, because we have no idea who Saturn is. You can have much more drama if you add to your story everything you listed. Also- what if you change your avatar? Then how will we know what Neptune looks like? A story isn't a story if you don't describe your characters. There's just no other way. =/ Sorry if I sound blunt; I don't mean to if I do. xDD Just trying to help~ =) |
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--Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Midnight | Apr 28 2008, 09:49 PM Post #7 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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Well... Neptune's sprite is also in the topic Spriter's club.  And as for Cyrus and Saturn...I have a sprite if that's good enough.  <---Cyrus <---SaturnIjust got them from Pokemon elite 2000 because I was lazy... 
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Shadow | Apr 28 2008, 10:55 PM Post #8 |
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/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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Nope, that's not good enough. What if you decide to post your story somewhere where you haven't posted your sprites? You have to describe your characters in the story- you can't just point to a picture. That's how good writing works- descriptions are incorporated so you can visualize the characters and the settings. |
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--Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Hazelnut | Apr 28 2008, 11:16 PM Post #9 |
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Here's something you should always keep in mind: write like the reader is a complete idiot. A complete idiot wouldn't know what a rock looks like, much less how Neptune looks like. xD A complete idiot wouldn't know how to percept sprites in his brain. Of course, a complete idiot wouldn't know how to read either, but let's assume he could. xD And you don't have to give away the plot or anything. Just hint at things so that the idiot reader will know there actually is a plot, being the idiot he is. |
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| Midnight | Apr 28 2008, 11:31 PM Post #10 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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example word-Neptune key--'Neptune'=thinking-Neptune=talking using psycic abilitys-"Neptune"=speaking Chapter1 Last time: 'I am Neptune- My my mission is to save the world.'thought Neptune. At that very moment the poke-morph took off to a forest clearing-the one where she was going to meet Saturn. 'You're late, Saturn.' Just then she saw someone it was not Saturn, but Cyrus!She took off in an insant. That was close!And she flew as far and fast as her wings could carry her to Ice Island. Chapter2 Neptune decided to call Saturn on the phone insted and changed course to her house.Meanwhile at Saturn's house...Two Galactic grunts were battling his Toxicroak and winning.'Why do they insist on battling me?'Wondered Saturn "Glameow, use Shadow rush!"Commanded Galactic Grunt#1.Toxicroak fainted. Now: Chapter3 Later that same day... "Hi, Neptune..."Stated Saturn, feeling un sure of what to say next."You are very late."complained Neptune.Just then a purple and gray Glameow broke through the window.Neptune knew there was something different at that very moment.The Glameow auto maticly attacked using Shadow Rush.Cyrus opened the front door and said:"You like?Team Galactic now has stronger pokemon thanks to Cipher!""No, I don't, Cyrus.In fact, your insane."Replyed Neptune."And I quit!"yelled Saturn.Ingnoring the witty remarks Neptune and Saturn made, Cyrus commanded 2 grunts to capture Neptune. As she was dragged away in the net, Neptune yelled:Hey!Let me go, geek#1 and geek#2!Saturn wated to help but he was frozen in fear. (A/N:Cyrus is old(50?) and has gray-blue hair.Saturn is young and has dark-blue hair.(see sprites.)) Thanks, Shadow and Hazelnut 
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Shadow | Apr 28 2008, 11:35 PM Post #11 |
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/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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As another suggestion, you may want to skip a line everytime a new character talks. It makes it much easier to read. ^^ Don't tell us to see the sprites; write it into your story. For example, instead of, "Cyrus opened the front door", write, "An old man around 50 years old with gray blue hair burst through the door". Don't give us a sprite to explain what your characters look like, and don't point to text that you add outside of your story. Description belongs in your story. There's absolutely no way around it if you want to write a good story. |
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--Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Zephyr | Apr 29 2008, 10:26 PM Post #12 |
Lolchatotavatar
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Spaces. After. Periods. Please, Arceus. e_e Anyway, you have a lot of ideas and you're just pouring them onto the post in a loose string of words, expecting us to read your mind. We can't-- unlike Neptune, we don't have psychic powers. So as much as I'm sure your tale of an Articuno Pokemorph is dramatic and fascinating, it lacks enough substance to be considered an actual story. I might as well write... "John and Chimchar went on a quest to see Dialga. Roark said "wow, you're good" when he lost. So did all the other gym leaders. John climbed to Spear Pillar and he saw Dialga there, and battled Dialga to keep him from stopping time. It was a tough fight. Chimchar used Close Combat and Dialga used Roar of Time but in the end Chimchar won. John caught Dialga in an ultra ball and he was a hero." ...Of course, I have spaces after my periods and everything's spelled correctly, but that's the basic idea. Now, I'm guessing this is your first time writing fanfiction and thus you don't have much experience storytelling, but to tell a proper story, it needs substance. Meaning... -Characters do not just fly onto the scene without a backstory (and no, you're not allowed to "explain it later.") -No matter how many images you provide, a description has to be written into the story. Moronic and tedious, yes, but that's the requirement. -Settings are changing like a roleplay here. e_e (meaning sporadically, lightning-quick, and without warning.) -asdfjkl; Chapters are not 3 sentences long. (boldlol) if they were, every post I made would be a novel. -No matter how good your story is, nobody will read it unless things are spelled right. People may be idiots (a la Hazelnut's post) but they're idiotically picky about that sort of thing. Read this whole post? Kudos to you! Now I'm not asking you to "touch up" your story... more of rethink what you're doing entirely. Actually, I reccommend you go read some fanfiction written by others to get a better sense of what people expect. Google it or read some of the fanfiction on TCoD-- quality stuff, or you can always Google "Pokemon fanfiction" and see what you find. But rest assured, this isn't the worst I've ever read... ;) You've got motivation, which is good. |
 (RPG info) Avatar by Smeargle the Porygon and it is excellent. [Xerolabs] [Arena][Races] [Agency] | |
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| Midnight | Apr 30 2008, 12:26 PM Post #13 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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Guys I have writer's block okay?It's not like the ideas come as they did when they were for the movie I gave up on. 
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Zephyr | Apr 30 2008, 09:03 PM Post #14 |
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Lolchatotavatar
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...Dangit, didn't work. << Obviously kids these days have too short an attention span to pay attention to anything for more of a fraction of a second. Well, don't say I didn't try. |
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(RPG info) Avatar by Smeargle the Porygon and it is excellent. [Xerolabs] [Arena][Races] [Agency] | |
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| Midnight | May 1 2008, 11:24 AM Post #15 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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Hey! What is SO wrong with letting people know why there won' be up dates?! :angry: |
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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