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| The Moon and Sun clan; Eh...Might as well post it. | |
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| Topic Started: May 11 2008, 10:26 PM (382 Views) | |
| Midnight | May 11 2008, 10:26 PM Post #1 |
My steps lead to darkness...
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Yeah this in new and since I gave up on On wings of sparkling snow... Might as well... .:.Chapter 1.:. There once were 2 clans. One was all umbreons, the other espeons. These 2 clans were constantly at war with each other. Now a rule has been broken: Never fall in love with the enemy."Shadow, wake up. Wake up."called a voice. Slowly, Shadow the shiny umbreon opened her eyes. An espeon came in to focus."Yes, Psyko?"asked Shodow. "We have to go back to our clans now. Meet me here tonight." Stated Psyko. "Bye." said Shadow. "See ya." said Psyko At Shadow's clan's camp, everybody was still asleep. No. Not everybody. The leader of the clan, Darkstar, was not asleep.He was stairing Shadow strait in the eye. "You... Where have you been?"asked Darkstar firmly. Shadow knew he ment what he said. "Er... Um... Nowhere, sir." stuttered Shadow. "If you say so." stated Darkstar as he went back to sleep. What do you think? |
 ^My site.   CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Shadow | May 11 2008, 11:04 PM Post #2 |
/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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=D It's a great improvement from your last story! Your descriptions are getting better and so are your plot ideas. I have some spelling corrections for you as well as some grammar stuff: "Yes, Psyko?"asked Shodow. You probably meant to type Shadow here. He was staring Shadow straight in the eye. Spelling corrections in this sentence are in bold. ^^ Shadow knew he meant Again, corrections in bold. Again, I can tell you're improving. =D One thing that I think will make your story a lot easier to understand- skip a line everytime a new character talks. In this case, your story should look like this:
Keep working on your story; you're off to a much better start this time. =) |
     --Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Midnight | May 12 2008, 10:37 AM Post #3 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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I've posed this every where that I have an account. Exept it was locked on Serebii bucause it wasn't 1 page long... The problem is I don't have microsoft word.  EDIT: I got the second chapter done.  Last time: .:.Chapter 1.:. There once were 2 clans. One was all umbreons, the other espeons. These 2 clans were constantly at war with each other. Now a rule has been broken: Never fall in love with the enemy. "Shadow, wake up. Wake up."called a voice. Slowly, Shadow the shiny umbreon opened her eyes. An espeon came in to focus."Yes, Psyko?"asked Shadow. "We have to go back to our clans now. Meet me here tonight." Stated Psyko. "Bye." said Shadow. "See ya." said Psyko At Shadow's clan's camp, everybody was still asleep. No. Not everybody. The leader of the clan, Darkstar, was not asleep.He was staring Shadow straight in the eye. "You... Where have you been?"asked Darkstar firmly. Shadow knew he meant what he said. "Er... Um... Nowhere, sir." stuttered Shadow. "If you say so." stated Darkstar as he went back to sleep. Now: .:.Chapter 2.:. In the morning, Shadow awoke with the rest of the clan. Darkstar was giving a speech. "I hav come to notice that a certain umbreon..." Started Darkstar. At this point Shadow, regardless of what Psyko said, weant to the place where he slept last night anyway. When he got there, a jolteon, a vaporeon, a flareon, a leafeon, and a glaceon were already there. "Hello!" The eons stated in usion. Just then, Psyko appeared out of the leaves and bushes that the path leads though with leaves stuck in his hair. The flareon spoke very high, it was a girl, the jolteon spoke with a low voice, it was a boy, all the rest spoke high but not quite as high as the flareon, they are girls. |
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Shadow | May 12 2008, 09:04 PM Post #4 |
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/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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Corrections are in bold. If a character is talking, the 'said', 'called', 'started', etc. should be lower case, as well as words after what the character said. Look to what I corrected for examples. ^^ Is Shadow a boy or a girl? In chapter one, you used "she", in chapter two you used "he". In the last paragraph, try to rethink how you're describing them. They haven't said anything separate yet, so it would be hard to tell their voices apart. If you want to tell whether they're boys or girls from their voices, have each one say something individually first. You could also distinguish boys from girls from their appearances. Maybe the girls have sleek, well-groomed pelts, where the boys have rough fur and maybe a scar or two. (I know that's extremely stereotypical, but in stories it'll work. xDD;; ) Try and lengthen your chapters, too; they're getting better as far as length, but if you really take your time with it, it can be much longer. Try describing the journey from Shadow's camp to the place where Psyko said they should meet. Show us in the story what these places look like. Keep up the good effort~ |
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--Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Midnight | May 12 2008, 10:32 PM Post #5 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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The reason Shadow can tell different voices apart is She has a speacial ability. last time: .:.Chapter 1.:. There once were 2 clans. One was all umbreons, the other espeons. These 2 clans were constantly at war with each other. Now a rule has been broken: Never fall in love with the enemy. "Shadow, wake up. Wake up."called a voice. Slowly, Shadow the shiny umbreon opened her eyes. An espeon came in to focus."Yes, Psyko?"asked Shadow. "We have to go back to our clans now. Meet me here tonight." Stated Psyko. "Bye." said Shadow. "See ya." said Psyko At Shadow's clan's camp, everybody was still asleep. No. Not everybody. The leader of the clan, Darkstar, was not asleep.He was staring Shadow straight in the eye. "You... Where have you been?"asked Darkstar firmly. .:.Chapter 2.:. In the morning, Shadow awoke with the rest of the clan. Darkstar was giving a speech. "I have come to notice that a certain umbreon..." started Darkstar. At this point Shadow, regardless of what Psyko said, went to the place where she slept last night anyway. When he got there, a jolteon, a vaporeon, a flareon, a leafeon, and a glaceon were already there. "Hello!" the eons stated in unison. Just then, Psyko appeared out of the leaves and bushes that the path leads through with leaves stuck in his hair. The flareon spoke very high, it was a girl, the jolteon spoke with a low voice, it was a boy, all the rest spoke high but not quite as high as the flareon, they were girls. The jolteon had a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt on his forehead. The rest looked pretty much how they should look exept for the spicky hair do. now: .:.Chapter 3.:. "Hi, I'm Flower, the glaceon is Icy, that jolteon is Thunder, the Flareon is Flare, and the vaporeon is Wave."stated the leafeon, pointing to each one as she went. "I'm Shadow and this is Psyko." stated Shadow. Psyko was surveying the surround ings and listing absentmindedly as he went along. "Trees...berrys...a pond... a cave..." listed Psyko. "We rebelled against our clans ourselves."started Flare. "Psyko and I always wanted to rebel againt ours. Maybie you could help us?" asked Shadow. |
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Avielus | May 12 2008, 11:17 PM Post #6 |
Flee.
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Well, you seem to have taken a lot of our advice to heart!
^_^ That's much better than before (and a LOT easier to read).
One thing to keep in mind here is that you'll either capitalize all Pokemon names, or you'll keep them lower-case. Don't mix and match(e. g. Flareon, jolteon). More description would be helpful. If you look at any book, you'll see that chapters span many pages(and sometimes hundreds of pages). The thing about a chapter is that it does not separate the times when you update your fanfic; chapters separate the complete and separate (sometimes long-winded)thoughts that make up a work of fiction, which mesh together to make up the story. If you don't have MS word, a free alternative is OpenOffice.Org {www.openoffice.org}. It's an excellent word processor for the price. (which is nothing.) Spell check. I suppose if you don't have a word processor, you don't really have a choice. That isn't really your reader's concern, however; they're not likely to rationalize for you as they wince through word after badly-spelled word. It's good that you've decided to stick with writing and try to listen and respond positively to our critique. |
 We rode on the winds of the rising storm, We ran to the sounds of the thunder. We danced among the lightning bolts, And tore the world asunder. "Knowledge is a weapon. I intend to be formidably armed." <taurnil> Something freakin hilarious happened in my chemistry class today <taurnil> i was asking my teacher about the origins of the element "europium" <taurnil> i said "So, where does europium come from?" <taurnil> my teacher gives me the most confused look ever, and then slowly says "i don't have any opium" <Snausages> So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a bar. <Snausages> And the bartender says, <Snausages> "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors." <Myke> That struck a chord. <Snausages> Careful with those puns, you'll get in treble. <Myke> But they're key to my humour. <Myke> And very noteworthy. | |
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| Midnight | May 12 2008, 11:19 PM Post #7 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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Sorry my finger won't stop pressing shift.
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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| Hazelnut | May 13 2008, 01:21 AM Post #8 |
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Then just proof-read after you write it. It isn't too hard to do, you know. >> But honestly, just keep improving. And one more thing; after we tell you what needs to be changed, don't just let it sit there. Change it, as that's what the whole purpose is, right? |
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| Midnight | May 14 2008, 11:16 AM Post #9 |
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My steps lead to darkness...
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I edited the mistakes and added a new chapter. Last time: .:.Chapter 1.:. There once were 2 clans. One was all umbreons, the other espeons. These 2 clans were constantly at war with each other. Now a rule has been broken: Never fall in love with the enemy. "Shadow, wake up. Wake up."called a voice. Slowly, Shadow the shiny umbreon opened her eyes. An espeon came in to focus."Yes, Psyko?"asked Shadow. "We have to go back to our clans now. Meet me here tonight." Stated Psyko. "Bye." said Shadow. "See ya." said Psyko At Shadow's clan's camp, everybody was still asleep. No. Not everybody. The leader of the clan, Darkstar, was not asleep.He was staring Shadow straight in the eye. "You... Where have you been?"asked Darkstar firmly. .:.Chapter 2.:. In the morning, Shadow awoke with the rest of the clan. Darkstar was giving a speech. "I have come to notice that a certain umbreon..." started Darkstar. At this point Shadow, regardless of what Psyko said, went to the place where she slept last night anyway. When he got there, a jolteon, a vaporeon, a flareon, a leafeon, and a glaceon were already there. "Hello!" the eons stated in unison. Just then, Psyko appeared out of the leaves and bushes that the path leads through with leaves stuck in his hair. The flareon spoke very high, it was a girl, the jolteon spoke with a low voice, it was a boy, all the rest spoke high but not quite as high as the flareon, they were girls. The jolteon had a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt on his forehead. The rest looked pretty much how they should look exept for the spicky hair do. .:.Chapter 3.:. "Hi, I'm Flower, the glaceon is Icy, that jolteon is Thunder, the flareon is Flare, and the vaporeon is Wave."stated the leafeon, pointing to each one as she went. "I'm Shadow and this is Psyko." stated Shadow. Psyko was surveying the surround ings and listing absentmindedly as he went along. "Trees...berrys...a pond... a cave..." listed Psyko. "We rebelled against our clans ourselves."started Flare. "Psyko and I always wanted to rebel againt ours. Maybie you could help us?" asked Shadow. Now: .:.Chapter 4.:. So they planned and plannd for the perfect plot to betray their clans. "Look! There they are!" cried Darkstar. "They tracked us, Psyko!" Yelled Shadow. So quickly they all fled to a tower in the dictance. little did they know, Darkrai was there. "How long do we have to keep running?" asked Icy. "We stop here." replied Shadow. And right in front of them was the tower. It was pure black and some stones were missing. There did not appear to be a door. Shadow was amazed at this. "Go away..." cried a spooky voice. "Let us in!" replyed Psyko And when Shadow headbutted part of the wall, a door appeared brhind the fallen stone. A/N:Oh and in case you don't already know what they look like, here's a group picture: 
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^My site. CREDITS: Shadow for the Avatar | |
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