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| Golden Light | |
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| Topic Started: Sep 1 2008, 06:48 PM (359 Views) | |
| Cyndaquil201 | Sep 1 2008, 06:48 PM Post #1 |
Controller of the Writers' Sphere of Nothing
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Oh hey, it's a Pokemon fanfic. Very different than the ones I usually write, too– this one attempts to be canon (as long as I can write faster than they make the movies) and is anime-canon but does not have any major anime characters in it. I've never done that before and I have no idea how it will turn out, but I'll try my best. I need to get this out of my head and onto paper before I explode. Chapter navigation: Prologue: here Chapter 1: split into three parts because of the horrible way I write. One two three. Chapter 2: half completed. Prologue The only light in the cavern came from a red glow that shone through cracks in the floor, just enough to make out the intricate carvings on the walls. They were old and yet not old, depicting─ islands, with great birds fighting in their skies, a great serpent spiraling down from a storm, holding something in verdant claws, red and blue─ dragons, skimming the surface of a lake, three beings, one of rock, one of steel, one of ice, surrounding a greater being that themselves, and in the center, a white figure, out of which came all of creation. flash A figure appeared in the center of the room with a sudden burst of light. It had a small blue body, a pointed head, two tails with a red gem in their star-shaped points and a third gem in its forehead. The tails dragged on the ground as it hovered a few feet in the air, first going to a picture of a green creature flying through a forest, then to a bird with rainbow wings, then stopping at the serpent, putting her hand on it and sighing. flash A second being appeared besides the first, its eyes tightly shut. It was like the first, but with a creased, yellow head resembling an upside-down bowl. "Hello Azelf," it said. "Hello Uxie," she replied. The arrival reached out to the picture and groaned when she felt it. "Oh sister, I know you're upset about what happened, but─" "It shouldn't have happened," Azelf snapped. "And if we had hidden them better, it wouldn't have!" She took her hand off the picture and it glowed briefly with a white light. "Be careful," Uxie cautioned, taking her hand off as well. "You know who's here. We don't want her to wake up again." Azelf glared at the floor. flash Another burst of light and a third Pokemon appeared. It could have been a twin of the others─ and perhaps it was─ but for its magenta head with four antennae hanging from it. "Hello, sisters!" she said cheerfully. "I'm glad to see that you're both here!" "Well, of course I would be here," Azelf growled, still staring at the floor. "I was the one who said we should meet here." "Mesprit, she's still upset about yesterday." Uxie sighed. "As am I." "So am I, but she doesn't need act like this," she replied. "Azelf, have you been having nightmares again?" "Yes," she said, looking up from the floor. "But that's not why I asked to meet here. I found a new carving." Mesprit looked at her, surprised. "Here? But there hasn't been a new carving here since─" Azelf shrugged. "Well, I think it's new. I've never seen it before, I don't know about you. It's over here." Directly across from the carving of creation was a stone wall, cracks running through it. On it were elaborate pictures of... of what? They had never seen anything like it. "Those are ships." Uxie frowned. "But they're the strangest ships I've ever seen. They have no sails!" "Is that the red orb?" Mesprit bent down to peer at it more closely. "Is this of the past? I can't remember anything like this happening. And what are those words in the center?" "Names and dates," Azelf said. "Probably birthdates. Look closely, sisters." They obliged her, Uxie running her hand down the stone and frowning, Mesprit narrowing her eyes and trying to make out words from the cracked and faded mess. "This is strange," she said. "This one, the name is Marcus something Fle... the rest is faded. But the date is nineteen ninety– no, eighty... eight. That's in the future. That's nearly three hundred years in the future!" "Yes," Uxie replied, "this one is the same, but the date is a few years earlier." Mesprit's gaze fell to the next name. "R... or is that a B? B E... something. This looks like little more than a few scratches. Uxie, what does it say?" When she got no answer, she looked up from the carving and stared. Uxie was holding her head, her tails wrapped around herself. "I don't know," she whispered, and her sister felt fear and guilt come off her in waves. "I don't understand. I know everything, but I don't know this." Azelf blinked. "You don't know?" "That's what I just said!" she snapped. "But sister, you're the guardian of knowledge! The embodiment of knowledge! How can you not know?" Uxie bent close to the wall. "Maybe a psychic type Pokemon made this. They could have somehow sealed the knowledge away from me. I know that's possible. But if they didn't want me to know what's on this, why make it in the first place?" "Lord, where did this come from?" Azelf asked the empty air. Mesprit moved back to the wall and narrowed her blue eyes. "Well, then let's figure it out. Nineteen... nineteen ninety... eight? Nine? Zero? Can you help me? The third name's... O, I think it starts." Uxie sighed and felt the stone. "That feels like a C, not an O" "It's a pretty strange C, then." Azelf looked as well. "I think the second name begins with an R. Rachel? Remus? Why does it matter? We have a long time. Who made this carving?" "It doesn't matter who made it," Uxie said, "we need to figure out what's on this thing carving. They, whoever they were, made this for a reason. Something happens in three hundred years and these people are important." She felt the carving again. "The red and blue... this is of the future. Does someone make the same mistake poor Jen did?" Azelf stared at the floor again. "Oh dear," Mesprit said. "Look at the last one. The birthdate is infinity. Born at the beginning. It's a legendary pokémon. Who is this?" "The first letter feels like a G," Uxie muttered, running her hand along the wall. "And if it is, there's only one it can be. Lord, I hope─" The ground suddenly shook and the red glow brightened. "We need to leave," Azelf said after it had stopped. " We've been here too long already. We have three hundred years." "But then what?" Uxie retorted. "What if that's not enough time?" "It will be. We have four names already. Come, let's go." They all vanished with a flash of golden light. - Somewhat rushed, since I couldn't wait to start on chapter one (edit: revised multiple times, so it isn't rushed anymore). But I don't think I did too badly. Constructive criticism, please? Edited by Cyndaquil201, Jun 25 2009, 04:30 PM.
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CYNDA used MAX REVIVE!  Sprite credits: Electro (cradily) and Smeargle (awesome thing). Cynda's blog-thing Cynda's List of Interesting Topics By Various People Golden Light : Ileen and the Fire Mountain and other stories : Swordplay : What Pokemon would live in your area? : Dreams : Cynda's Jar of Sprites | |
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| Kronakitty | Sep 1 2008, 07:54 PM Post #2 |
shining gate!
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Hmm it's pretty interesting. It makes me want to know what happens next. ^^ Although, I had to reread it a couple of times... a few of the parts were kind of confusing, like the dates in the future thing. It is rather rushed... maybe you can polish it a little later. |
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| Cyndaquil201 | Sep 1 2008, 11:04 PM Post #3 |
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Controller of the Writers' Sphere of Nothing
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What other parts were confusing? Can you be more specific? After I finish writing the first chapter I'll probably fix the prologue. |
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CYNDA used MAX REVIVE! Sprite credits: Electro (cradily) and Smeargle (awesome thing). Cynda's blog-thing Cynda's List of Interesting Topics By Various People Golden Light : Ileen and the Fire Mountain and other stories : Swordplay : What Pokemon would live in your area? : Dreams : Cynda's Jar of Sprites | |
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| Shadow | Sep 6 2008, 05:43 PM Post #4 |
/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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Hmm, it's interesting. =D One thing I suggest that you do is really clearly define the three Pokemon; I'm not familiar with the DP Pokemon so while I know generally what the three Pokemon look like, I couldn't tell them apart. It also gets confusing when there's only dialogue- who's saying what and what are they doing while they say it? Try to include stuff like that, like, "Mesprit hovered closer to the wall, blue eyes squinted as she tried to read," or something like that. ^^ The wall thing is kind of confusing, too; maybe this is because it's a prologue and there's nothing before this in the story, but personally I can't see the significance in that there's a wall that they never noticed before. Why is it so special, and what's significant about it not being drawn by a legendary? Overall I think you need to slow down a little bit with it. Take the time to describe more of what's going on. I love your writing; I know you're capable of writing really really awesome stuff. ^^ This just seems a little rushed; take your time and it'll be awesome like all the other stories you write. =D |
     --Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Cyndaquil201 | Sep 15 2008, 10:53 PM Post #5 |
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Controller of the Writers' Sphere of Nothing
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Chapter 1 (the first half, at least) Deleted for suckiness. La di da. - Uh. This took longer than I thought it would. And this is technically the first half, although I suppose I could count the second half as chapter two if I really wanted to. I can see some problems with it, but it turned out better than I thought it would. *attacks the prologue* Ack, I was really rushing when I wrote this. Azelf is described well (somewhat), but none of the others have any description whatsoever. This is going to take a while. Edited by Cyndaquil201, Jun 25 2009, 04:26 PM.
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CYNDA used MAX REVIVE! Sprite credits: Electro (cradily) and Smeargle (awesome thing). Cynda's blog-thing Cynda's List of Interesting Topics By Various People Golden Light : Ileen and the Fire Mountain and other stories : Swordplay : What Pokemon would live in your area? : Dreams : Cynda's Jar of Sprites | |
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| Cyndaquil201 | Sep 28 2008, 01:04 AM Post #6 |
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Controller of the Writers' Sphere of Nothing
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Prologue revised. Not the best, but it's much better than before. Deleted for redundancy. The prologue is in the first post. Edited by Cyndaquil201, Jun 25 2009, 04:27 PM.
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CYNDA used MAX REVIVE! Sprite credits: Electro (cradily) and Smeargle (awesome thing). Cynda's blog-thing Cynda's List of Interesting Topics By Various People Golden Light : Ileen and the Fire Mountain and other stories : Swordplay : What Pokemon would live in your area? : Dreams : Cynda's Jar of Sprites | |
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| Bellomence | Sep 28 2008, 05:49 AM Post #7 |
^_^
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Very good fanfic! I never read your first prologue but the revised version appears to be awesome. You explained the situation very well, and the mysteries make the reader to read the next chapter. Good work, Cyndaquil201! |
 Click the following links below or PM me for details. l My Forums l My Blog l | |
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| Cyndaquil201 | Sep 30 2008, 07:51 PM Post #8 |
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Controller of the Writers' Sphere of Nothing
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Thanks for the comment! The first version is kind of horrible and I'm somewhat glad you didn't read it first. The second half of chapter one is done. Still needs some work, though. The first half is a few posts up. - Deleted again, for suckiness. Nothing to see here. Edited by Cyndaquil201, Jun 25 2009, 04:28 PM.
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CYNDA used MAX REVIVE! Sprite credits: Electro (cradily) and Smeargle (awesome thing). Cynda's blog-thing Cynda's List of Interesting Topics By Various People Golden Light : Ileen and the Fire Mountain and other stories : Swordplay : What Pokemon would live in your area? : Dreams : Cynda's Jar of Sprites | |
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| Shadow | Oct 2 2008, 12:34 AM Post #9 |
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/Eyes*on~the*Sky\
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I only had time to read the revised prologue, so that's what I'll comment on now, and I'll comment on the rest later. ^^ It's much better from the last one. =D It's a lot clearer, and it's easier to see what's going on. I like that you included the thing with Mesprit being the guardian of knowledge; that made it more interesting. (Actually, now that I look back, you mentioned it in the first one too, but I like that it's been drawn out in the second one. ^^) In the first version, you mentioned nightmares from Darkrai; I think it's good that you left that out in the second version. It dragged away from it a little bit, and in the second version, the information as well as dialogue is more precise and relevant to what's going on. Basically the prologue is a lot more organized-sounding; everything is more concise and what's important is drawn out longer. ^^ Good job! =D I shall definitely read chapter one when I get the chance, this is going to be an awesome story~~ |
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--Sketches-- [Swordplay] [Graphics] [Stories] [Sprites] --Poetry-- Adorable little Buneary made by Cyndaquil201! =D Thanks! | |
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| Bellomence | Oct 6 2008, 01:23 PM Post #10 |
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^_^
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I read Chapter One. It is good, but I don't like the change of environment from a PMD-like one (prologue) to an environment with humans (Chapter One). However, the story is still awesome! I want to read more. |
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Click the following links below or PM me for details. l My Forums l My Blog l | |
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| Cyndaquil201 | Oct 18 2008, 11:29 PM Post #11 |
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Controller of the Writers' Sphere of Nothing
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-Tiny edits to chapter 1. -Replaced the prologue in the first post to the revised prologue. -Chapter two is a pain. But I think I know how to get past it now. Although it might end up looking like an extension of chapter one, but whatever it doesn't matter. I almost did something very silly with it but changed my mind at the last second. -Just realized that I named one of my characters after the main character in Butterfree's the Quest for the Legends. That was an accident (but I'm not changing it). I'm attempting to work on some of the original stories I have, so I'll be writing this somewhat slowly. Edited by Cyndaquil201, Oct 19 2008, 02:40 AM.
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CYNDA used MAX REVIVE! Sprite credits: Electro (cradily) and Smeargle (awesome thing). Cynda's blog-thing Cynda's List of Interesting Topics By Various People Golden Light : Ileen and the Fire Mountain and other stories : Swordplay : What Pokemon would live in your area? : Dreams : Cynda's Jar of Sprites | |
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| Cyndaquil201 | Dec 19 2008, 08:39 PM Post #12 |
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Controller of the Writers' Sphere of Nothing
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Double post + bump. Oh no! Well, I finally finished chapter two, somehow magically getting past writer's block. The next few chapters should be considerably easier. Hopefully. This was rushed and I will fix it later. I am also planning to rewrite the first half of chapter one and fix the last few lines of the second half, because it did not turn out the way I wanted it to turn out. The prologue has been updated as well (or will be; I'll be editing that post as soon as I finish posting this), and I think I'm almost happy with it. I think the first chapter was changed a little. I'm not sure if I did or didn't. Edit: Okay, this might be confusing. I rewrote all of this, then decided both it and chapter one were too short and combined them. Pretend this is even more chapter one. Again, deleted. There was nothing here ever okay? Edited by Cyndaquil201, Jun 25 2009, 04:29 PM.
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CYNDA used MAX REVIVE! Sprite credits: Electro (cradily) and Smeargle (awesome thing). Cynda's blog-thing Cynda's List of Interesting Topics By Various People Golden Light : Ileen and the Fire Mountain and other stories : Swordplay : What Pokemon would live in your area? : Dreams : Cynda's Jar of Sprites | |
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