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Random Joke of the day; oh yes im funny
Topic Started: May 8 2008, 01:38 PM (797 Views)
Rick
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If you wanted to tell it to someone, just change the first line to "they arrived in a town with a name so long they couldn't pronounce it".

I'd write one myself, but I only know one joke, it takes a whole A4 page to type out, and it's only funny because it's not funny, so I'll spare you all.
Rick

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vrykolakas
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well it cant be any worse than swampy's jokes lol
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vrykolakas
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heres some more, enjoy

those harry potter films are so unrealistic. i mean i can believe a flying car could be possible, but where the hell do you get a ginger kid with two mates

a man with a severe stutter was sent to prison for drink driving. he was given 6 months but police dont think he will finish his sentence

little johnny asks his dad for a telly. he reluctantly agrees. the next day johnny comes down the stairs and asks " dad whats love juice" dad looks horrified and tell johnny all about sex. johnny sat with his mouth wide open in amazment. dad says "so what were you watching?" johnny replies "wimbledon".

zebo a half blind five year old african has to ride seven miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. give just a small donation of two pounds and we'll send you the video, its hilarious

irishman, aussie and a scouser in a bar spot jesus sat on his own. they each send him a drink and jesus sups each pint slowly. when he's finished he walks over to the irishman, shakes his hand and thanks him for the guiness. "blimey" says the irishman "my arthritis has gone". jesus then thanks the aussie for the fosters. "crikey" he says. "my bad backs cured". jesus approaches the scouser who runs away screaming. "PISS OFF, IM ON DISABILTY BENEFIT!!!"

zues, the greek god, flying over acient greece spotted a gorgeous naked woamn, washing by the lake. he went and made love to her. then he told her, "in nine months you willhae a child, and you will name him hercules". she smiled and replied "in nine days you will have a rash and you will calll it herpes! now piss off"

doctor dave had slept with one of his patients an felt really gulity. no matter how much he tried, his sence of betrayal was overwhelming. but every once in a while he would hear an internal reasurring voice say "dave dont worry about it, you arent the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you wont be the last and your single, just let it go". but invaribly the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering "dave you're a flippen vet"

after a long night of passoin with his new girl friend, fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. a month or so into the relationship, he begins to get stressed out to see the photo. finally he asks nervously "is it your ex" "no silly" she says "another boyfriend then?" "of course not"she says nibbling his ear "so is it your dad or your brother" "no" she says. he fumes "then who the hell is it" she replies "thats me six months ago"
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I walked into a chip shop and ask do you have any chips left?

The man behind the counter says yes.

I said well then you shouldn't have made so many!
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Bennett
May 16 2008, 11:18 AM
I walked into a chip shop and ask do you have any chips left?

The man behind the counter says yes.

I said well then you shouldn't have made so many!

Now this and this
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a man with a severe stutter was sent to prison for drink driving. he was given 6 months but police dont think he will finish his sentence

are two I really like.
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Rick
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Quote:
 
zebo a half blind five year old african has to ride seven miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. give just a small donation of two pounds and we'll send you the video, its hilarious


Best joke ever, as long as you imaging it being said in a Scottish accent over black and white footage.
Rick

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Swampy
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Here some more high quallity jokes for you all.

1. A man goes to a zoo, when he gets there, there is only one animal to see and it's a dog!


It was a Shitzu!


2.Two monkeys in the bath, one says "oooh oooh ahh ahh ahh".
The other one says "Put some cold in then!!"


3. Baby Balloon can't sleep, so he gets in bed with Mummy & Daddy balloon. But, there isn't enough space, so he lets some air out of himself. It's still a bit of a squeeze so he lets some air out of daddy balloon. Still not happy, he lets some air out of his mummy. Ahhhhh, perfect, he drops into a long and peaceful sleep.

In the morning he wakes to find daddy balloon looking angry.

"Son, not only have you let yourself down, but you've let your mother and I down too!"

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Swampy
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Sorry to all that read this this is the worst one yet.
A bloke goes to the Doctor with botty problems...
'Doctor, it's me arse. I'd like you to take a look, if you would'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. 'What do you want me to do?'

'Well for goodness sake take it out, man! 'shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Doctor, thank you kindly, that's much better.
Just out of interest, how much was in there then?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, that'd be right,'' says the bloke

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
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A few religious ones for you. Nothing too heavy, but if you arent down with it, dont read it...

Jesus used to play in goal for Bethlehem F.C. He was a great shot stopper but as crap on crosses

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws two bolts on the table and says,"Put me up for the night"

What happeneed when Jeses went to Mount Olive? Popeye kicked the crap out of him..

Jesus and Moses are doing a bit of fishing, catching up on old times. After a bit they start lauding up their own achievements and get a bit competitive. So Jesus says to Moses "I bet you 10 notes, you cant still do your old split the see miracle" Moses accepts, stands up, walks to the bow of the boat and sure enough parts the waves. He sits down and Jesus says "ok, ok, Double or quits, I can still do my walking on water miracle." Moses agree's and Jesus gets up and walks to the edge of the boat. When he steps out, he promptly sinks straight to the bottom. A minute later Moses pulls him coughing and spluttering back into the boat and asks what happened. Shocked, Jesus says "Im not sure, but last time I did it I didnt have these bloody holes in my feet!"

And some other random ones...

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bough a warehouse

English, Irish and Scotsman in a pub talking about their families. The Englishman announces,"I have 1 son, he was born on St Georges day, so we called him George". The Scotsman replies "Well would you believe it, my son was born on St. Andrews day, we called him Andrew!". The Irishman pipes up says "Bejesus, thats exactly what happened with my son Pancake!"

A gorilla is swinging through the jungle when he comes across the waterhole with a lion bending over having a drink. Feeling frisky the gorilla thinks "Ill have a bit of that" and quick as a flash he#s on the lion doing his business. Eventually the lion throws him off and chases the gorilla through the jungle. The gorilla is just ahead when he comes to clearing wiht a cabin in it. On the porch is a man on a rocking chair with a hunters hat on readin a newspaper. He knocjs the hunter over the head, throws him away, puts on the hat, sits down and starts reading the paper. A second later the lion comes into the clearing, absolutely furious. He runs up to the cabin and screams "Have you seen a gorilla round here!!"..gorilla responds "What, the one who shagged the lion up the arse at the watering hole?" The lion gasps and says "Bloody hell, its not in the papers already is it!?"


Hugs and Kisses

Matt



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vrykolakas
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a few more to enjoy

two cowboys are talking to each other about sex. one says to theother the he like the rodeo position. oh syas the other never heard of that before, what is it? well says the first cowboy you get your woman on all fours and mount her from behind, then cup her tits in your hans and tell her they feel like her sisters. then see if you can stay on for 8 seconds

a 7 year old and a 4 year old were upstairs in thier bedroom. u no what sayshe 7 year old, i think its time we started swearing. when we get down stairs illl swear first then you. ok says the 4 year old. mum comes from the kitchen and asks the 7 year oldwhat he wants for breakfas. shit mum ill have cocopops. WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. the mother looks at the 4 year old sternly and ask him what he want for breakfast, i dont no the 4 year old blubbers but it wont be fucking cocpops

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, Who is this? This is the maid, answers the woman. We dont have a maid, says the man. The woman says, I was hired this morning by the lady of the house. The man says, Well, this is her husband. Is she there? The woman replies, She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband. The guy is fuming and says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000? The maid says, What will I have to do? The man tells her, I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk shes with. The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, What do I do with the bodies? The man says, Throw them in the swimming pool. Puzzled, the maid answers, But you dont have a pool. A long pause and the man says, Is this 567-5309?

Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "youre definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny.
None, they all fly away with the first gunshot. The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says, I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldnt get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldnt reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldnt reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I dont even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, maam, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? The witness stared out the window, as though he hadnt hear the question. Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated loudly. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question. Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you were this religious. The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.
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Some real good ones there :D
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vrykolakas
May 20 2008, 08:17 PM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you were this religious. The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

This pretty much happened in the movie 'The Blob' - the remake with Kevin Dillon in it.

Just thought I'd share.
It's quite a good movie too, I recommend it.
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vrykolakas
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i had to post this one, i could barly brethe when my mate told it to me

CHURCH BELLS

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "Hed still be alive if the ice cream truck hadnt come along.
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great jokes!
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Swampy
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Q.How do you keep cool at a football match?
A.Stand next to a fan.

Doctor Doctor i feel like a pair of curtains
Pull yourself together man.

Shall i tell you the joke about the butter?
Better not you'll only spread it.

Q. Whats the best thing to put into a pie
A. Your teeth.
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