Vadakin

Jun 19 2009, 12:24 PM

I've literally just come in the door after watching Transformers and as I sit down to write this, something has occurred to me. Michael Bay is on the wrong Hasbro franchise. Everyone knows that Bay has a hard on for the military. He treats them with respect and admiration in his films. Bay should be directing G.I. Joe, not Transformers.

Anyways, about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I half expect this to be a mess of a review but then it was a mess of a film so I guess it fits. Some spoilers ahead, maybe some major ones so skip this if you want to go into the film spoiler-free.

Back when the first movie came out I hated it. People told me I shouldn't expect Shakespeare from a toy commercial to which I responded that source material is no excuse for bad writing. This time around, I have to say that source material is no excuse for bad....well, everything. This really is a mess. Where do I start? Well the action is horrendous. There are more robots this time around, some of whom remain in their Cybertronian forms making it impossible to tell them apart. Even the ones that were given bright colours to stand out don't work. There's a green autobot and a green decepticon...I have no idea which is which.

In fact there are far too many robots. Last time around, people complained that the focus wasn't on the robots. Bay has responded to this by adding more generic machines to the action. There are explosions galore, a lot of sh*t going on...it's too bad you won't have a clue exactly what for over half the shots. It's a little clearer than in the first film, and Bay has slowed down on the edit a bit but the generic nature of the machines makes it irrelevant. Then there's the script...oh dear god...

Now I will give Orci and Kurtzman some credit. Their Star Trek script wasn't terrible (even if it was a rip off of Star Wars A New Hope) and there are less plotholes in this Transformers movie than the last. But that's where the credit ends. So it turns out that Megatron, the leader of the evil Decepticons is actually a pussy-whipped bizzle...I'm serious. He does nothing except what the Fallen tells him to (even calling him Master) and by the end he just retreats with a whimper. Megatron is a f***ing joke. A cowardly punk. He's Starscream with a bigger gun.

Anyways the story goes that Sam has knowledge in his head about a new source of energon blah blah blah BOOM another explosion. That's what you want right? Well there's lots of that. And also just about every cliche in the history of cinema. There are no characters in this movie, just catchphrases and sex jokes.

And that's where the movie really takes a nosedive. The humor. It's gross, crass, unfunny, appealing to the lowest common denominator. It's the type of humor you would expect to find in Disaster Movie or some American Pie Rip off...only worse. Everything from Devastator having balls (yes you read correctly) to a small Decepticon (I have no idea who it is) humping Megan Fox's leg...it's sh*t that appeals to hicksville. The kind of trash that appeals to no-brained idiots with asses for faces....which is apparently just about everyone. Because as I sat and watched the movie, I noticed something. People laughed. A lot of people laughed. Right then and there I knew that the worst movie of the summer so far (yes, Terminator is better, even Wolverine is better) would make the most money. And I died a little inside.

Whatever happened to movies that could be fun without being stupid? Whatever happened to Star Wars and Raiders? To Jaws? Back To The Future....remember those movies? Remember how fun they were? How engaging the characters were? How is it that we have lost that kind of film making where a movie could appeal to everyone wthout being reduced to a series of special effects and fart jokes? Pixar is the only studio left that seems to get it.

But I digress. Spoiler Alert! Optimus dies. Yup...but he doesn't stay dead. So why am I spoiling that little nugget of information? Because Optimus has less screentime than he did in the first movie. Rachet is left in the background along with Ironhide, even Bumblebee isn't as prominent as he was. You have twin Transformers who are the spiritual successor to Ghetto Jazz and did I mention that Megatron is a bizzle?

Let's go back a few years...Superman Flyby. Remember that script? Remember the awful scene in the first draft where a dead Superman meets his father who teaches him Krypto-kung fu and gives him timely advice? Well we have something along those lines in this movie, this time involving "The Primes".

But I can't get my thoughts straight. There is so much I need to say but it's just too painful. This is a piece of sh*t film that everyone will go see and love because they are all mindless idiots. What I say here is meaningless. People will once again say that I shouldn't expect Shakespeare. I don't. What I expect is to be entertained by a solid story with some decent action, a little humor that is a cut above sex jokes (does Bay not realise who the audience for this movie will be?)....how do I put it...

Imagine if Team America wasn't a send up. Imagine if Bay directed it as a live action film. Now add robots. That's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. My brain hurts to much to write any more. Actually come to think of it, if Bay did direct G.I. Joe then Team America is exactly what I would expect.

In any case, Transformers 2 is an utter mess, by far the worst film Bay has ever made...which means it will make a fortune at the box office.