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TEXAS CHILI COOK OFF
Topic Started: Oct 1 2008, 11:50 PM (298 Views)
Belle
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Belle of Texas
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
This gave me great pleasure.. And Being a Lady that I am...okay, who coughed :ermm:

........ Thought I'd share... ;)




( If you can read this whole story without laughing
then there's no hope for you.)


For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.


They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park
.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted.
"


Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)



Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.




Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- ( Frank ) Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.

I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.




Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- ( Frank )Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.

My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get Me more beer before I ignite.

Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced from all of
the beer.




Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- ( Frank ) I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it.
Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.

Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- ( Frank ) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead And I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.




Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames.
I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.

I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.




Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing ---
it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.

If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.




Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild
nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.

Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?










BTW... Can someone fix my '<span style=Belle</span> I sound like a can a beans... :whistle:
Mary Who?..... VolSquatch BFF


"Everybody has a right to their opinion, but no one has a right to be wrong about the facts. Without the facts, your opinion is of no value."....Rene Dahinden

http://s10.invisionfree.com/belles_chatroom/

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bwillard
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Director
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That was funny!!! (By the way, what is that supposed to be that you want fixed?)
Co-Founder of Sasquatch Watch of Virginia
www.sasquatchwatch.org
Visit our Sasquatch Watch of Virginia Cafe Press StoreSasquatch Watch of Virginia Cafe Press Store!

Director of Sasquatch Watch of Virginia and Vice President of the American Bigfoot Society (ABS)
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Belle
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Belle of Texas
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bwillard
Oct 2 2008, 08:05 AM
That was funny!!! (By the way, what is that supposed to be that you want fixed?)
my name.... heheheh...
Mary Who?..... VolSquatch BFF


"Everybody has a right to their opinion, but no one has a right to be wrong about the facts. Without the facts, your opinion is of no value."....Rene Dahinden

http://s10.invisionfree.com/belles_chatroom/

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Kite-Squatch
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Baby Squatch
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Belle
Oct 1 2008, 11:50 PM
And Being a Lady that I am...okay, who coughed :ermm:

Don't you mean, "snickered uncontrollably"?

:whistle:

:rotflmao:
"I know this sounds rather incredible... We are skeptical ourselves and we are running crosschecking routines to determine the reliability of this conclusion."
-2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
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Belle
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Belle of Texas
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Kite-Squatch
Oct 5 2008, 07:19 PM
Belle
Oct 1 2008, 11:50 PM
And Being a Lady that I am...okay, who coughed :ermm:

Don't you mean, "snickered uncontrollably"?

:whistle:

:rotflmao:
B)
Mary Who?..... VolSquatch BFF


"Everybody has a right to their opinion, but no one has a right to be wrong about the facts. Without the facts, your opinion is of no value."....Rene Dahinden

http://s10.invisionfree.com/belles_chatroom/

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